Consolidated Joke Thread

[arjay]

Click Here!

[Jingjai's January 3rd posting on this thread]

[farang]

555+++ =D>

was sent to me by email today,didnt know it was allready posted

but nice to see you are doing a good mod job 55555555+++++

nice one aj

[arjay]

But yours is bigger!!

[farang]

yes, thats what they all say 5555++++

[jingjai]

>From: franco francis <tuko65>
>To: ben lombardo <benelombardo>
>Date: Sat, 3 Feb 2007 07:30:48 -0800 (PST)
>
>The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad
> >news is that it will
> >require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes
your
> >testicles to press on your
> >spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way
to
> >relieve
> >the pressure is to
> >remove the testicles."
> >
> >Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live
>for.
> >
> >He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital,
>he
> >was
> >without a headache
> >for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an
> >important
> >part of himself.
> >As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a
different
> >person.
> >
> >He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a
gentleman's
> >outfitter and thought,
> >"That's what I need... a new suit. That'll make me feel a little
better."
> >
> >He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
> >
> >The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
>long."
> >
> >Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
> >
> >"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the
> >suit....it
> >fitted perfectly.
> >
> >As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about
a
>new
> >shirt?"
> >
> >Joe thought again and then said, "Why not?"
> >
> >The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2
neck."
> >
> >Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"
> >
> >"Told you...been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt
and
>it
> >fitted perfectly
> >
> >Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about
> >some
> >new underwear?"
> >
> >Joe thought once more and said, "Yep OK then."
> >
> >The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
> >
> >Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years
> >old."
> >
> >The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
would
> >press
> >your testicles
> >up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache."
> >
> >New suit - ฃ400
> >New shirt - ฃ36
> >New underwear - ฃ10
> >Second Opinion ......... - PRICELESS

[beer monkey]

A Beer Before "it" Starts



.. . .. . .

[beer monkey]

Confessing or Braggin?



A 75-year-old man goes to confession and tells the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex last night with two 20-year-old girls and I had sex with each one three times."

The priest says, "How long has it been since your last confession."

The man says, "I have never been to confession, I am Jewish."

"So why are you telling me?" asked the prist.

The man says, "I'm telling everybody."

[farang]

my girlfriend wet her lettuce looking at this one so funny LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuTf7rPIuY8

[farang]

Americans, you've gotta love em, Haven't you?

click here

[Paul]

my girlfriend wet her lettuce looking at this one, so funny LOL

How quaintly put farang

I 'wet my lettuce' laughing at your terminoligy :):)

Everyone crowded round my pc to see what i was giggling at

[beer monkey]

my girlfriend wet her lettuce looking at this one so funny LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuTf7rPIuY8

yes thats fooking funny.
was it my imagination or was her head getting smaller.

[beer monkey]

The Irish prostitute Joke.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for ฃ2 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

[farang]

three old guys are out walking around nong prajak lake.
Val says, "windy, isn't it?"
Ray says, "no, it's thursday!"
Stan says, "so am I. let's go get a beer in the irish clock."







.

[farang]

[beer monkey]

Kicking Punishment

There's this kid who lives on a farm. He comes home from school in a really bad mood. He sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that. Then he walks into the house.

"I saw you kick those animals," his mother said. "For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."

The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat.

The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him, or should I?"

[BKKSTAN]

Falang,you are getting younger every post,or is the word juvenile!Old farts indeed!!!

[farang]

juvenile probably 555+

stan remember this, The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

[farang]

heres an old one,but it still makes me laugh http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 5433557427


whats all the fuss about?? there are just a nice little snack!!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 9061525912

[jingjai]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for
>them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a
>sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each
>priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that
>anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be
>ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The
>beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
>She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
>until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced,
>his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across
>the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos
>quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick
>it up. Then the 11 other bells started to ring...

[Seaserpent]

Number One Idiot of 2006
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught
her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and
there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away.

Here's your idiot sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield
decided to steal a life raft from on e of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they
noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the
emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employ ed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might
run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
into the Branch and wrote "this. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note
and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from
his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the
harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he
would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in
line back at Bank of America .

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't
read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Id iot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed
trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his
car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a
photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police
that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ but you still get a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walke d into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a
bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to
give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of
his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in
fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name
and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of would be Michigan robbers entered a bank
nervously waving their guns.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven of 2006
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him
unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allo wed to
vote)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing
anymore."
From Kingman , KS .

______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross
the street I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker
of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is
red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind peopl e
doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
___________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She
was leaving the comp any due to" downsizing."
Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should
do this more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't
understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:</U>
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership
to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We
went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger
side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it
was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its
open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
______