Consolidated Joke Thread

[beer monkey]

A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. When the elephants walk out onto the circus ring, the little boy asks his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

[jingjai]

A LITTLE OLD MAN SHUFFLED SLOWLY INTO AN ICE CREAM PARLOR AND PULLED HIMSELF SLOWLY, AND PAINFULLY, UP ON TO A STOOL. AFTER CATCHING HIS BREATH HE ORDERED A BANANA SPLIT.

THE WAITRESS ASKED KINDLY, "CRUSHED NUTS?"

"NO, HE REPLIED, ฤRTHRITIS."


A HUSBAND AND WIFE WERE SHARING A BOTTLE OF WINE WHEN THE HUSBAND SAID, "" I'LL BET YOU CAN'T SAY SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL HAPPY AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME."

THE WIFE THOUGHT FOR A MINUTE, THEN SAID, "YOUR DICK'S BIGGER THAN YOUR BROTHER'S.""

[farang]

drunk driver lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3G-6QLxqj-c

[Seaserpent]

Life from a strictly mathematical viewpoint..., it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I -T-U-D-E !
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the nonsense and Ass K issing that will put you over the top.




"REMEMBER , SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."

[slotmh]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[farang]

=D> LOL http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SB0d0COybJ0

AND THIS IS SOOOOOOO FUNNY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvjUBrwpJWM&NR

[Seaserpent]

To help you forget your every day problems and read how others put
their thoughts into words, these are genuine clips from council
complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my jerk off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against
my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plainfilthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every
night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish thejob and
satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I
still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we
can't get BBC2.

[Paul]

LOL - boy was I getting some funny looks whilst chuckling away at those ones. Very funny indeed

[beer monkey]

Cure for a cough



The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the shop assistant, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The assistant says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The assistant says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!" .

[Seaserpent]

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."

[Seaserpent]

60 Years of Bad Sex
>>
>>An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch
>>one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps
>>her husband across the shins.
>>
>>"Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for?"
>>he yells.
>>
>>"That's for 60 years of bad sex." she replies.
>>
>>A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and
>>whaps his wife across the shins.
>>
>>"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"
>>
>>The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing
>>the difference."
>>

[slotmh]

An Irish man goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex
with Nookie Green twice last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You
are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another Irish man enters the confessional. "Father, it
has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green
twice a week for the last two months.

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his
sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the
sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly
sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is
green and very short , with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest
and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits
with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and
whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his
ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her
shoes..............................

[beer monkey]

How to shower like a woman

* Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket
according to lights and darks.

* Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

* If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do

more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

* Get in the shower.

* Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.

* Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.

* Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

* Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red.

* Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

* Rinse conditioner off hair.

* Shave armpits and legs.

* Turn off shower.

* Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

* Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

* Get out of shower.

* Dry with towel the size of a small country.

* Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

* Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

* If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




How To Shower Like a Man

* Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

* Walk naked to the bathroom.

* If you see partner along the way, shake w*lly at her making the
'woo-woo' sound.

* Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

* Admire the size of your w*lly and scratch your bum.

* Get in the shower.

* Wash your face.

* Wash your armpits.

* Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

* Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

* Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area

* Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

* Wash your hair.

* Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

* Wee.

* Rinse off and get out of shower.

* Partially dry off.

* Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of
bath the whole time.

* Admire w*lly size in mirror again.

* Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

* Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

* If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake w*lly at her and make the

'woo-woo' sound again.

* Throw wet towel on bed.

[mangkot]

"There are three kinds of people - dicks, pussys and assholes. Pussys dont like dicks, because pussys gets ****** by dicks. But dicks also fucks assholes, assholes who just wants to ---- on everything. Pussys may think they can deal with assholes their way, but the only thing that can ---- an asshole, is a dick - with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they ---- too much, or ---- when it isn't appropiate - and it takes a pussy to show him that. But sometimes a pussy gets so full of ---- that they become assholes themselves, because pussys are only an inch and a half away from assholes."

mangkoooot

[beer monkey]

Man in a hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.....

"Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black" ? Nurse raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand & his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says "There is nothing wrong with them sir". Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was wonderful but listen very, very closely and carefully ................................... ............Are - my - test - results - back ?

[BobHelm]

[Seaserpent]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance
man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how
difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to
show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled
squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since
then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[Seaserpent]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
>
>
> The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano
>
>
> The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
>
>
> "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
>
>
> The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here rub it."
>
>
> So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!"
>
>
> The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
>
>
> The bartender turns to the man and says, "Ya know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
>
>
> "Tell me about it!!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
>

[Seaserpent]

Subject: REASONS FOR NO BLACK NASCAR DRIVERS
> >
> > David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR
> >drivers:
> >
> > # 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
> >
> > # 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
> >
> > # 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
> >
> > # 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same
> >time.
> >
> > # 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
> >
> > # 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
> >
> > # 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
> >
> > # 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
> >
> > # 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
> >
> > AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
> > #1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.
> >

[slotmh]

Man Laws


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(B) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
Birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
Her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the
purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... And it's delivered by a topless Model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(B) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
I.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation You
need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the Phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly " just a
friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling
Weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again
before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for Her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, The definition of each is listed below:

-- "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the
guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

-- "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"