Consolidated Joke Thread

[beer monkey]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,
"Here, iron this!".

[polehawk]

Those Ides of March jokes were pretty good, guys. Especially liked the David Letterman Top Ten one but seriously (?) doubt he would get away with it on PC USA telly. The lawyers would have a field day.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
A guy in a bar stood up and shouted,
"Lawyers are assholes!"


A big guy at the other end of the bar shouted
back, "I resent that!"


The first guy asked meekly, "Are you a lawyer?"


The second guy responded, "No, I'm an asshole."

[Hages]

Did you hear about the Irishman who thought Sugar Diabetes was a Greek boxer!!

[beer monkey]

Wife looking in the mirror says to her husband ...."I'm fat, old and feel ugly. Pay me a Compliment please."
Husband replies "Your eyesight is perfect.".



. .

[beer monkey]

What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist...?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

[Paul]

I can't remember where I heard this one - it might have even been on here, but I am halfway through a rather delicious bottle so I dont care - bear with me !

A man tells his wife he is feeling down and askes her to say something that can make him feel both happy and sad at the same time
After some thought - she says "ok - well your dick is bigger than your brothers"

[beer monkey]

Talking of beer.......

WHATS GREY AND COMES IN PINTS ?


AN ELEPHANT .

[Seaserpent]

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale...



Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, NO!"



And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did

whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more,had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.

She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled,

felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants.



THE END

[Seaserpent]

>A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>>
>>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>>
>>"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
>>We need more butter. Oh my GOSH! WHERE are we going to get MORE
>>BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
>>You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry
>>up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
>>You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
>>THE SALT!"
>>
>>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
>>
>>The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels
>>like when I'm driving."

[Seaserpent]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

[beer monkey]

Chinese Proverbs

Virginity like bubble - one ***** all gone

Man who run in front of car get tired

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man with one chopstick go hungry

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it

Man who drive like hell bound to get there

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs

Man who farts in church sits in own pew

Crowded elevator smells different to midget

[Seaserpent]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
>>
>>"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
>>convent."
>>
>>"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>>chardonnay."

[polehawk]

[Seaserpent]

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game,
took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why
it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the
student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young
people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man
walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear
energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing
and," pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were
young..., we invented them. Now, you arrogant little snot, what are
you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding...
=D> =D>

[jingjai]

000
>
>Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British
TV &
>Radio
>
>
>
> 1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava
from
>Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
>
>
>
> 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
>Daryl
>Gibson comes inside of him."
>
>
>
> 3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a
lovely
>horse. I once rode her mother."
>
>
>
> 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah,
isn't
>that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the
>Oxford crew."
>
>
>
> 5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer)
is
>playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls
>and kisses them .... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"
>
>
>
> 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time
Team
>Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
>
>
>
> 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have
>snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob,
where's
>that
>eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to
leave the
>set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
>
>
>
> 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much
better
>today after a 69 yesterday."
>
>
>
> 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
>
> "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
night
>like
>this."
>
>
>
> 10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
>
> "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets."
>
>
>
> 11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a
male
>astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
>
> They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's
only
>come
>in his shorts."
>
>
>
> 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny
>Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes
to
>use
>Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

[Hages]

HER STORY........HIS STORY

HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been
because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately.
So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up
and start to wonder whether it's me or something else.
I ask him, and he says no.
But you know I'm not really sure. I wonder and then I think about
the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now.
So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just
puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you
know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place
and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it
but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep.
Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he
still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I
dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's
met someone else???


HIS STORY:
Lousy day at work.
Tired.
Got laid though.

[Hages]

Answer the questions truthfully, the score is at the bottom.


1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred
to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."

B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."

C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Evaluating Results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to
make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

[Seaserpent]

>In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to
>beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
>
>-------------------------------------------
>
>Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
>"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered
>into the English language.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>
>The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
>and Wilma Flintstone.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>
>Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>
>Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>
>Coca-Cola was originally green.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>
>It is impossible to lick your elbow.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>
>The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
>
>-------------------------------------------
>
>The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
>
>-------------------------------------------
>
>The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
>61,000
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Each individual in a deck of playing cards represents a great individual from
>history:
>
>Spades - individual David
>
>Hearts - Charlemagne
>
>Clubs - Alexander, the Great
>
>Diamonds - Julius Caesar
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
>the air, the person died in battle.
>If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of
>wounds received in battle.
>If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
>causes.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
>Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
>the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
>
>A. Their birthplace
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
>requested?
>
>A. Obsession
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
>you would find the letter "A"?
>
>A. One thousand
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
>printers all have in common?
>
>A. All were invented by women.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
>
>A. Honey
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
>year?
>
>A. Father's Day
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
>When
>
>you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to
>sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
>after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
>all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
>calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which
>we know today as the honeymoon.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
>England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
>"Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
>
>It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
>rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
>used
>
>the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
>inspired by this practice.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
>
>------------------------------------- -------------------
>
>Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you
>can read it.
>
>I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
>uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
>phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
>
>Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
>the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
>rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
>wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
>lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
>
>---------------------------------------------------------
>
>YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
>
>1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
>
>2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
>
>3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
>
>4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you
>
>5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
>they don't have e-mail addresses.
>
>6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
>anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
>
>7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
>screen.
>
>8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have
>the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
>and you turn around to go and get it.
>
>10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
>
>11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
>
>12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
>
>13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
>message.
>
>14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
>
>15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
>this list.
>
>AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
>
>Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

[Hages]

SIGNS THAT YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE



_ You answer the door before people knock.

_ You ski uphill.

_ You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

_ You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

_ You lick your coffeepot clean.

_ You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

_ Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

_ You chew on other people's fingernails.

_ You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.

_ You can jump-start your car without cables.

_ You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

_ You don't sweat, you percolate.

_ You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug.

_ You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

_ You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

_ Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

_ People get dizzy just watching you.

_ You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

_ Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

_ Instant coffee takes too long.

_ When someone says, ``How are you?

[Loaded]

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