Bar girl advice for stupid farang...

[miamaimee]

OP, to add to my initial comment, I don't think you should stay involved with this girl for two reasons.

First, the "magic" you felt at the outset isn't worth a whole lot. That is very easy to experience here -- Thais are naturally warm and personable, whether you're going to a bar where they have some economic incentive to do it or dealing with ordinary girls you will get that many times over. I think it has less to do with the girl and more to do with a sort of positive culture shock you and many others experience when they're new to Thailand.

You will feel that again with another girl, probably many.

Second, it's just crazy for a girl to ask a guy for 40k shortly after they've met. Totally crazy. This is lottery-style (buying a hundred tickets in the hope that one will make her rich) or just plain exploitative (milk the target until he's dry) behavior. Those are the only circumstances under which a girl you just met asks you for 40k while you're overseas, bar girl or not.

It is just way too out of line with how things actually work here, and how much money that is. Of course you get guys who fall for this but that's exactly what they are, marks.

No way a healthy relationship is going to develop out of that IMO, regardless of her motives, precisely how that ask arose etc. the relationship with this girl is permanently soured.

So forget her, there will be another.

By the way, this is just hearsay but I know a couple guys who live on Samui and they say that because Samui is so tourist heavy, the working girls there are some of the nastiest... they are some of the best in the country at scalping a newbie.

The regular girls who come down from BKK or elsewhere that just want to party for a weekend on the other hand can be a lot of fun for a fling.

[StupidFarang]

Second, it's just crazy for a girl to ask a guy for 40k shortly after they've met. Totally crazy. This is lottery-style (buying a hundred tickets in the hope that one will make her rich) or just plain exploitative (milk the target until he's dry) behavior. Those are the only circumstances under which a girl you just met asks you for 40k while you're overseas, bar girl or not.

I know. I totally agree. I suspect her parents made a go at me on this. I am not defending her, but if I had to add up all the times she has said sorry for this, i'd need a calulator! I dunno...

I'm not gonna go on and on on this, but for those who are still interested in what's happened lately, i can tell you this:

I have tried to find something that made it easier for me to get out of this, without being the bad guy. I know I can just tell her to b***** off, but I cannot seem to find a single thing to fault her, besides from the initial money thing.

- She is still at home with her parents and kid. I know 100%, no doubt. Asking again and agin when I will be back. Even put a picture of us as her facebook profile picture! (I certainly did not ask her to do this, I just happen to see it one day) I know there are other ways to communicate, but this is a public profile picture, so other potential sponsors would see this straight away.
-As I said before, bad English skills. I mean really bad! We are down to single word conversations here, and even then she has difficulties. I understand now she is using google translate a lot on her phone when messaging me.
-No tattoos, hate smoking. I smoked in Thailand, but I dont smoke at home. Constanty nagging me about that i must not smoke. She hated when I smoked.
-Wants me to learn Thai. Every day I must learn words and phrases, and I must repeat. Gets a little upset when I dont remember them
-I ordered the book some of you adviced for me, Thailand Fever. But I also found it as a torrent, so I downloaded it, because I payed for it anyway, so not feeling guilty about that. I tell her about the book, and she asks if she can look at it. I send her as an pdf file, and she actually reads it!! I mean..who bothers reading hundred and some pages if not really needed...?
-Always videos me when she goes to bed. Does not disappear at evenings, leaving her phone off. Same thing in the morning.

I have many more examples in which she really surprises me, but I am not giving them all away here.

I cant make anything out of this. I keep reading read horror story upon horror story on bar girls...they are just evil people and only out to scam you...but the truth of the matter is that I have no less than 5 friends of friends that have married a bar girl...and they are all doing fine. Longest marriage is 10 years now, and still they are happy!

I know money attracts women...but no less so here in Europe, I am sure you know this as well as me. So I dunno...

If this is an act, i will wholeheartedly recommend her for a job in Hollywood, because she would clean house at the Oscars! If this is a scam, it's a long term one, thats for sure

I'll see how this turns out, but I am extremely cautious, and dont plan on leaving all my earthly belongings to this girl anytime soon

[Khun Paul]

Your honesty does you proud, whatever you decide top do about this situation, at least you are fully aware now of the pitfalls and no-one can say I told you so.
GHood luck and smooth sailing in these stormy seas.

[Artfullmover]

Interesting tread so I thought id throw in my 50 satangs worth

Some solid sound advice and sharing of experiences that can help people understand life in Thailand.

I would not be that concerned about the initial 40k request - She doesnt know you and probally is testing the waters. Like we see thai girls I see they see us the same - easy come easy go.

What I take out of this she is attempting to catch herself a "falang. Some see this as a personal challenge and pride thing. The question is that once she has you will she stop there.

Seems to me she is keeping you busy and filling in some of your time and giving you some level of relationship/friendship - What''s that worth to you?. At the very least you are learning a lot about Thailand and one side of its culture".

[maaka]

maybe she just wants to be at home with her child, and not no bar life...
some girls are forced into bar life to provide for thier family, doesnt mean they like it..
shes real young. maybe shes smart too in knowing the bar life has a stigmar attached, even with other Thais...oh no shes a bar girl, sort of thing..my missus is always trying to put me off from wandering, by telling me bar girls have HIV and aids etc etc..so they dont get looked on by there own people to well...

I am one of the most causious dudes in the world. Hell I known my love for 7yrs and I still am trying to find boogie men in her wardrode, or waiting for her to slip up, but there nothing for her to slip up with..generally its because I got burnt when I first came her to Thailand, and then what with all these old codgers rattling on here about bar girls, scams and trolls, had me spooked that everyone was out to push me off a highrise in Patters...( wont go near a balcony now especailly with someone standing behind me...hahaha)

look Matey, just roll with your girl..maybe shes the one, maybe not.

I am a tight arse as well, but realize that women are always burning up money on some 1770 furniture, once used by Ab Lincoln or someone, so Thai girls are no different..hell she is probably dirt poor.. however, my missus never asked me for one dollar, but she is good at steering my wallet in certain directions at times, but what the hell, I have everything a man could poke a stick at...theres a $30,000 Rocket 3 motorbike sitting now in my lounge, and I have never so much as started the motor, so whats afew dollars to keep her ( and me ) happy...just dont go overboard..

90% of thai/ farang relationships fail in my opinion...there is also more to it than just the relationship...theres family, money, kids, house, land, visas, work, car, boredom, language, culture, politics ...get her talking your language or you will be banging heads with her for alongtime.....my missus speaks the lingo, but there are still many times where I am floundering because of the cultural difference, their way of thinking, our lack of knowledge, lack of language and understanding.....

steady as she goes, is a good one...dont commit more than you can walk away from, is another...

[StupidFarang]

Your honesty does you proud, whatever you decide top do about this situation, at least you are fully aware now of the pitfalls and no-one can say I told you so.
GHood luck and smooth sailing in these stormy seas.

Thank you Paul for your kind words. I promise I wont come complaining

What I take out of this she is attempting to catch herself a "falang. Some see this as a personal challenge and pride thing. The question is that once she has you will she stop there.

Yeah...i have no clue. Im completely lost...I guess I will just see where this takes me. Im not putting anything more in it than I can risk. Atleast im trying to...

Thanks guys!

[DuiDui49]

God morning SF !

I hope you can take a joke,okey When i read THIS i don't know why the heck i thought about YOU and your long distant relationship..it's NOT for sale yet but here you can read moore about this gadget.

http://tech.thaivisa.com/this-gadget-wa ... paign=news

Have a good day SF..

[StupidFarang]

God morning SF !

I hope you can take a joke,okey When i read THIS i don't know why the heck i thought about YOU and your long distant relationship..it's NOT for sale yet but here you can read moore about this gadget.

http://tech.thaivisa.com/this-gadget-wa ... paign=news

Have a good day SF..

Hahahaha I will consider it!! May be perfect for us!

[Tartempion]

Well yes, she is really serious and sincere.

First: the bad news:
greedy parents, a child, far away relationship does NOT work.
Who is keeping who on the line?
For 40K baht?
Not me sir, 10k would be enough to keep the meter running.

Who am I?
Visited Thailand 20x between 1990 and 2001.
Fell in love at least 40X, but was not willing to run a far away relationship.
Retired and moved to Thailand January 2002.
Invited a childless woman to live with me I met late 2001.
Took me 5 years to build a house far from the madding crowd, as was in my dreams.
16 years later I loathe her family, greedy bunch of people, did not meet the family the first 4 years.
Paid the family 500K over the years to keep some alive or out of prison.
Someone is paying me back slowly, will take an other 2 years to get 250K back, if ever.
I will not pay any more to the bloody family, except the stupid mother I give her 1k monthly to survive.

Am I happy?
Yes, fairly, but could do without the continuous family problems: drug addicts, casino addicts, in debt with loan sharks...

[zothman]

Dont put your hands in Thai mud ... you will regret and cry all your life .. my own experience

[StupidFarang]

First: the bad news:
greedy parents, a child, far away relationship does NOT work.
Who is keeping who on the line?
For 40K baht?
Not me sir, 10k would be enough to keep the meter running.

Obviously we are not longer talking 40 000. She's happy with 10 000. Or so she says. Of course I am not expecting a distant relationship to work. I plan to visit her in two months, and then see what to do next. If all is still okay, and no more red flags of course.

Who am I?
Visited Thailand 20x between 1990 and 2001.
Fell in love at least 40X, but was not willing to run a far away relationship.
Retired and moved to Thailand January 2002.
Invited a childless woman to live with me I met late 2001.
Took me 5 years to build a house far from the madding crowd, as was in my dreams.
16 years later I loathe her family, greedy bunch of people, did not meet the family the first 4 years.
Paid the family 500K over the years to keep some alive or out of prison.
Someone is paying me back slowly, will take an other 2 years to get 250K back, if ever.
I will not pay any more to the bloody family, except the stupid mother I give her 1k monthly to survive.

Am I happy?
Yes, fairly, but could do without the continuous family problems: drug addicts, casino addicts, in debt with loan sharks...

Sorry about your struggle with the family. I totally get your frustration. As of now, no problems with family or sick buffalo...but of course can turn up later. I am on close watch for any of this, thanks to all you guys advice on this board.

Dont put your hands in Thai mud ... you will regret and cry all your life .. my own experience

Thanks for the warning. I'll take it real easy, see how it goes.

[86Tiger]

I have read through the thread and I gotta say have heard OP story from many guys and experienced same myself. The thing is, every time you go to Thailand you will have the time of your life. It may take couple days but if search about you will find the most beautiful girl you have ever seen and she will give you the best time of your life, every time. That is why we keep going back. Some of us for many years.

What you gotta understand is every day life { i.e. long term relationship} is not a 2 week holiday and will not leave you with the same "time of my life" feeling. And when you enter a long term deal with a Thai woman you are not getting just her, you get the whole family; drunk Dad, gambler Mom, jailbird brother, unwed mother of 4 sister and all the aunt's and uncles and cousins, as well as several neighbors and older folks in the village.

So what you must do before any long term commitment, emotional or otherwise is know all the players and ask "are these the people you want to tie your life too for the foreseeable future?" As opposed to western culture where it is this the woman I want to tie myself too?

I had a great girl take care of me 2-3 weeks twice every year for about 4 years. We were great together and I had the time of my life every holiday. 2013 I planned a stay in Thailand for full year. I got a flat and she moved in. It is a totally different life than holiday hotels with room service, maids, etc. Before end of first month I saw this was not going to work and sent her on her way. It was tough to do because we had so much history, but when I decided there was no way it could be long term I cut her loose.

I am now married to a wonderful lady for 2 1/2 years. We have 2 beautiful boys and she wants at least one more. She was 33 when we met, never married, never had a kid. She supported herself with "real" job since she was 21. All her sisters are college grads and support them selves or have professional Thai husbands. Her dad is retired teacher with pension and her mom works the farm every day. I am very blessed on many levels to have found her.

I say all that to say, you gotta be sure of her situation and go into it with eyes wide open. Do you want to yoke yourself to her family? Because that is exactly what you are doing with a Thai lady for better or worse.

Oh wow! Never intended to type that much but if you make it thru, thanks for reading!

[StupidFarang]

Thank you 86tiger for taking the time to write. I understand what you are saying. I am planning to go down there in april and visit her. I promise to go into this with my eyes open. If I'm not comfortable with the family, I'll have to do a proper round of thinking. But it will be an adventure anyway, driving around Isaan, and maybe visit Cambodia too...no matter how this turns out. It will be a blast

I'm sure you by now have understood that I like the girl. Im still wary, but she may be the sweetest thing I have ever met! And I still cant fault her on anything...other than the initial problems, which some may (or may not) have been caused by other influences or misunderstandings. Im not stupid...but I still believe one thing (like security) does not necessarily exclude the other (love). I know most people here do not agree...and I will find out for sure one day. But one thing is certain...life will never be the same after Thailand for me! After walking around the last 8 years as a zombie, in a cold and dead relationship, i feel like I have new opportunities in life, regardless of the outcome of this particular situation

[dezzer111]

Thank you 86tiger for taking the time to write. I understand what you are saying. I am planning to go down there in april and visit her. I promise to go into this with my eyes open. If I'm not comfortable with the family, I'll have to do a proper round of thinking. But it will be an adventure anyway, driving around Isaan, and maybe visit Cambodia too...no matter how this turns out. It will be a blast

I'm sure you by now have understood that I like the girl. Im still wary, but she may be the sweetest thing I have ever met! And I still cant fault her on anything...other than the initial problems, which some may (or may not) have been caused by other influences or misunderstandings. Im not stupid...but I still believe one thing (like security) does not necessarily exclude the other (love). I know most people here do not agree...and I will find out for sure one day. But one thing is certain...life will never be the same after Thailand for me! After walking around the last 8 years as a zombie, in a cold and dead relationship, i feel like I have new opportunities in life, regardless of the outcome of this particular situation

Try an agony aunt fella you sound like you need to

[StupidFarang]

Okay Udon Map...I see that it may be the right time to close this thread now...if you would please. Thanks for all your advice people, appreciate it! Regards to all, thanks a bunch!

[StupidFarang]

Hi again! I see the thread is still open, and could not resist the temptation of telling you how all this turned out. For those of you who are still interested, and a little bit for my own sake, just to get it out of my system

I'll keep a loooong story short. It's been a ride, I can tell you. As you told me it would be. First half year was full of worries and mistrust. After she came to me first time in June last year, all this mistrust was gone, and we have been very happy together since.

No boyfriend on the side, I know 100% she has not had, even if i am the most sceptical man on earth. No contact with other farangs, or potential thai boyfriends. Dont say anything, I just know it.

During the year since we met, she has visited me two times, both three months at a time. She is infact here now. I have met her parents about 7 times now in her home village, and although i never really liked her father, her mother seems okay. But i dont really know for sure what they are saying about me. And I dont really care either. Because i have no plans on moving to the village.

I have to tell you that she is the sweetest girl i have ever met. She has a jealousy problem, but no more than I can handle. She never seemed like the type who was interested in money after the initial problems we had, which seemed to settle down after a short while. I got the impression that she understood that in my country i am by no means rich, even if i do okay. She has been really sweet and caring, i believed 1000% she was truly genuine and in love. I mean really in love. We have been on trips together, and had fun all the time. I have showed her my country, and we have been together all the time when i was not working.

So I've been one of the lucky 5% right. Well, hold on just a second.

So for a months time we have been planning to get married. And everything has been just great. Apart from one thing. Iv'e always had a feeling in my gut that something is not quite right. I could never put my finger on it, but your inner alarm bell tells you that you should be wary. You know the feeling, right?

She has told me before that some farang idiots have been paying Sin Sod for some other ladys from the village in order of 400 000 up to 1 000 000 bath. This made me suspicious right away. I know her aunt got 400 000 from a stupid German who's mother payed everything so the son could get a girlfriend. I kid you not. She was from the same background. Bar girl, one kid from before. Same family. So he set the bar (pun intended) for the rest of us, thank you very much.

So I have held off the Sin Sod conversation, because we were doing fine, and i knew that this could be potential trouble. That may have been stupid.

So today we were talking about the marriage visa. And i thought what the heck, its time for some talk about Sin Sod, this had to be settled before marriage. Because i knew she was expecting something. I told her that 400 000 is out of the question. I sad that i dont really understand why Farang have to pay 10 times Thai. I will have no part of such a stupid ripoff (the rip-off bit i did not say out loud hehe). I did not say i wouldn't pay anything, but said 400 000 was just not happening.
So she looked a bit uneasy, and asked me what I was willing to pay. I said you know I am currently laid off work, but things will pick up again soon, Im sure. "But its not the end of the world, because we love each other right?" I said while smiling.
She asked again how much I was willing to pay. I could have said 200 000...but i was going to test her a little bit. So I said: I pay for the wedding, we send your parents 10 000B every month, and with these conditions i think 100 000 should be a generous Sin Sod. When you learn the language and get a job your free to send more if you want, i said.

Guess what happened.

Tears of course. Blah blah bla Thailand Thai tradition only girl etc etc etc. Then she said no i will not marry you. And she will go home. Thats the end of that.

Man i could not believe my own ears. I know 100 000 is not an enormous sum of cash in Sin Sod...but 10 000 every month to her parents and kid...and wedding costs in addition...it adds up! And with the work situation...

So I said to her in a calm voice..."so this is what you call love in Thailand...I see."

So she is walking away from a caring and faithful boyfriend, secure easy life, guaranteed money for her family...because 100 000 was too small Sin Sod. I have trouble fathoming all this. But i refuse to be taken advantage of. I could have raised it to 200 000 then and there, but i will not do it. If she is not happy with the offer she does not love me. And her family will always be her priority over me. I dont want this.

I could have never guessed. If someone would say to me this relationship is about money, I would just laugh. Oh no...not her. She's special. She is the sweetest girl i have ever met (she is too!)

So this is how it ended people. You all were right. Feel free to say "i told you so!"I can just take comfort in that no kids got involved, and I did not get cleaned out for more than I could afford to loose. A broken heart will heal. But a hard lesson learned. Be careful when messing with bar girls!!

StupidFarang

[86Tiger]

Welcome to the club.

[Laan Yaa Mo]

I think it would have been better to offer nothing. You see giving 100,000 baht in front of friends and family in the village would be a huge insult. Even poor farmers can usually give 200,000 baht. In other words, to offer 100,000 baht would demonstrate stinginess and show that you were not serious about the lady. The monthly offer to the family is generous, but you embarrass her and her family with the paltry amount of sin sod in the eyes of the villagers. This is why she had to say no. Don't just consider your feelings, have some regard for her too.

The fact that she was a bar girl has nothing to do with it. What matters is how you feel about one another.

[StupidFarang]

Well if this is the case and I am in the wrong, Im sorry. I guess I have a lot to learn about Thailand. Maybe i should stick to what I know. Thanks for the input.

[Marcosteffano]

Mine would of liked every penny in my bank and sent me back with holes in my flip flops.ive done her family a favour taking their fat lazy uneducated daughter off their hands.they want it all and can turn on tears like a light switch.i used to hear her say oh I want big white wedding and all that crap.since when has a white wedding been Thai tradition.i went to a Thai wedding and we all sat around eating jungle food in a mud hut while the family sold off the daughter for a few thousand baht and that was that.i say sin sod em.ps how do you make a Thai lady fat,answer marry them..mine ain't stopped eating since we got married.anyway good luck to stupid farang that appears to be not so stupid.