Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by **farang** » March 30, 2007, 10:49 pm

LOL nice one =D>

ps: good to see you back on here posting again $\:D/$

Post by **beer monkey** » March 30, 2007, 10:53 pm

yes its like it was way back last year... lol
keep em coming.

Post by **beer monkey** » April 1, 2007, 5:53 am

How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny?

You stick your hands down her Knickers and it feels like you are feeding a horse.

Post by **beer monkey** » April 4, 2007, 6:30 am

Hot Nipples

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal ! "

Post by **Hages** » April 4, 2007, 7:56 am

SAS training

Three guys, one Navy, one Army and one Para are taking the test to join the SAS. They have all passed the mental and physical sections and are down to the final interview.

Guy from the Navy walks in to be confronted by the SAS Head Shed who gives him a gun and says, "There are 6 bullets in that, your wife is upstairs, go up and kill her".

The guy disappears but comes back 2 minutes later to say,

"Sorry I really want to be in the SAS but she's my wife and I love her"

"Sorry" says Head Shed,"But if you can't take orders, we don't want you"

Guy from Army walks in and the same thing happens, he gets the gun and is told to go upstairs and kill his wife, but also can't do it, so is told to thin out.

The Para walks in and is given the gun. Off he goes and suddenly 6 shots ring out from upstairs, followed by an almighty commotion, and 10 minutes later he walks back into the room drenched in sweat.

He looks at the Head Shed and chucks the gun at him saying, "You bastard, they were blanks, I had to strangle the bitch!!!"

Post by **papaguido** » April 4, 2007, 11:43 am

=D>

Post by **Seaserpent** » April 4, 2007, 3:46 pm

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her

on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control

top panty hose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts

and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his

'wackie' with a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this

up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your

brother.

Post by **Seaserpent** » April 4, 2007, 3:47 pm

Two rednecks are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You
better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Post by **beer monkey** » April 5, 2007, 5:35 pm

Post by **farang** » April 6, 2007, 9:21 am

LOL b/m

-----------

Morris, an 82 year old man, went to visit the doctor for a check-up.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the road with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days after the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "you're doing great aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said Doc, "get a hot momma and be cheerful".

Said the doctor, "I didn't say that, I said you've got a heart murmur, be careful!".

Post by **beer monkey** » April 6, 2007, 5:22 pm

Post by **beer monkey** » April 7, 2007, 8:20 pm

A man goes to the doctor's with a ten pound note sticking out of his bottom. The doctor removes it with some tweezers, but finds more.

Eventually, the doc has pulled out à¸ƒ1,990. The bloke looks at the money and says...
"Well, I knew I wasn't feeling too grand......"

à¸ƒà¸ƒà¸ƒà¸ƒà¸ƒà¸ƒà¸ƒ lol

Post by **jingjai** » April 9, 2007, 7:40 pm

How to Keep Jehovah's Witnesses from Knocking

Post by **BKKSTAN** » April 9, 2007, 8:03 pm

Are you kidding??your ''prime'' for saving

Post by **beer monkey** » April 9, 2007, 9:39 pm

Post by LU » April 9, 2007, 9:39 pm

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the traffic light turned yellow just in front of him. The man did the right thing stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof - and the horn - screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands in the air.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Post by **beer monkey** » April 9, 2007, 9:50 pm

Post by **beer monkey** » April 11, 2007, 11:17 pm

Two Idiots standing on a cliff with their arms outstretched.
One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital with most of their bones broken, one Idiot says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other Idiot replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this parrott-gliding either.

Post by **Seaserpent** » April 12, 2007, 1:50 am

THE OUTHOUSE
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...." Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse.

"Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this
outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

Post by **Loaded** » April 12, 2007, 1:02 pm