Consolidated Joke Thread
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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
or alternately, when your ears have been deafened by so many years of constant noise
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Go & Live in The Boonies Then...stattointhailand wrote: ↑April 8, 2018, 4:23 pmor alternately, when your ears have been deafened by so many years of constant noise
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Returning home a day early from an out-of-town business trip, a man caught a taxi from the airport shortly after midnight. On the cab journey, he confided to the driver that he thought his wife was having an affair. As they pulled up outside his house, the businessman asked the driver: “Would you come inside with me and be a witness?”
The driver agreed, and they both crept into the bedroom. The man then turned on the lights, pulled the blanket back and, sure enough, his wife was naked in bed with another man.
In a jealous rage, the businessman pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot his wife’s lover. “Don’t do it,” she pleaded. “This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the new car I bought you for your birthday? Who do you think paid for our new boat? Who do you think paid for the deposit on this house? He did!”
His mind in turmoil, the husband looked over at the cab driver and asked: “What would you do in a case like this?”
The cabbie said: “I think I’d cover him up before he catches cold.”
The driver agreed, and they both crept into the bedroom. The man then turned on the lights, pulled the blanket back and, sure enough, his wife was naked in bed with another man.
In a jealous rage, the businessman pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot his wife’s lover. “Don’t do it,” she pleaded. “This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the new car I bought you for your birthday? Who do you think paid for our new boat? Who do you think paid for the deposit on this house? He did!”
His mind in turmoil, the husband looked over at the cab driver and asked: “What would you do in a case like this?”
The cabbie said: “I think I’d cover him up before he catches cold.”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says:
“You see that man over there?, He looks just like me!, I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.”
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder.
“Excuse me sir” he starts, “but I noticed you look just like me!”
The second man turns around and says:
“Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?”
“I’m from Dublin” came the reply.
“Me too! What street do you live on?”
“McCarthy street”,
The second man replies, “Me too! What number is it?”,
“162” the first man replies.
“Me too! What are your parent’s names?”
“Connor and Shannon”
The second man, almost dumbfounded says,
“Mine too! This is unbelievable!”
So, they buy some more Guinness and they’re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks:
“What’s new today?”
“Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again as usual”.
“You see that man over there?, He looks just like me!, I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.”
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder.
“Excuse me sir” he starts, “but I noticed you look just like me!”
The second man turns around and says:
“Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?”
“I’m from Dublin” came the reply.
“Me too! What street do you live on?”
“McCarthy street”,
The second man replies, “Me too! What number is it?”,
“162” the first man replies.
“Me too! What are your parent’s names?”
“Connor and Shannon”
The second man, almost dumbfounded says,
“Mine too! This is unbelievable!”
So, they buy some more Guinness and they’re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks:
“What’s new today?”
“Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again as usual”.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Last night I was in a bar when me and a friend got in an argument with some tough-looking blokes,
my mate quickly whispered to me Let's pretend we're the police.
Long story short, they kicked the Sh*t out of us before we even got through the first verse of "Roxanne!!..
my mate quickly whispered to me Let's pretend we're the police.
Long story short, they kicked the Sh*t out of us before we even got through the first verse of "Roxanne!!..
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Blond Cops
A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” The policeman says “Well…Uh.. that’s because the picture shows his profile” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “WoW! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!”
A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” The policeman says “Well…Uh.. that’s because the picture shows his profile” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “WoW! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Forbidden Love
Shannon meets with her lover Danny, who is also her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours. After forbidden love, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it’s the Shannon’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s cool… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds amazing… Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye.”
Shannon hangs up the telephone and Danny asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she replies, “That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
Shannon meets with her lover Danny, who is also her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours. After forbidden love, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it’s the Shannon’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s cool… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds amazing… Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye.”
Shannon hangs up the telephone and Danny asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she replies, “That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
To combat the recession, a budget airline has introduced a wave of new passenger charges:
Attendant: “Welcome aboard Cheapo Airlines, sir. May I see your ticket?”
Passenger: “Sure.”
Attendant: “You’re in seat 61C. That’ll be $5 please.”
Passenger: “What for?”
Attendant: “For telling you where to sit.”
Passenger: “But I already knew where to sit.”
Attendant: “Nevertheless we are now charging a seat-locater fee of $5. It’s the airline’s new policy.”
Passenger: “That’s the craziest thing I ever heard. I won’t pay it.”
Attendant: “Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?”
Passenger: “Okay, I’ll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this!”
Attendant: “Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?”
Passenger: “Yes, thank you.”
Attendant: “No problem. That will be $10, sir.”
Passenger: “What?”
Attendant: “The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.”
Passenger: “This is extortion. I won’t stand for it!”
Attendant: “Actually, you’re right, you can’t stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We’re about to push back from the gate. But first I need that $10.”
Passenger: “No way!”
Attendant: “Sir, if you don’t comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don’t want me to do that.”
Passenger: “Why not? Is he going to shoot me?”
Attendant: “No, but there’s a $50 air marshal hailing fee.”
Passenger: “Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I don’t believe this!”
Attendant: “Thank you for your co-operation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
Passenger: “Yes, it’s stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn’t seem to work. Can you fix it?”
Attendant: “Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead fan slot.”
Passenger: “The airline is charging me for cabin air?”
Attendant: “Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It’s the circulating air that costs fifty cents.”
Passenger: “I don’t have any quarters. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Attendant: “Certainly, sir. Here you go.”
Passenger: “But you’ve given me only three quarters for my dollar!”
Attendant: “Yes, there’s a change-making fee of twenty-five cents.”
Passenger: “For crying out loud! Now all I have left is a lousy quarter! What the heck can I do with this?”
Attendant: “Hang onto it, sir. You’ll need it later for the lavatory.”
Attendant: “Welcome aboard Cheapo Airlines, sir. May I see your ticket?”
Passenger: “Sure.”
Attendant: “You’re in seat 61C. That’ll be $5 please.”
Passenger: “What for?”
Attendant: “For telling you where to sit.”
Passenger: “But I already knew where to sit.”
Attendant: “Nevertheless we are now charging a seat-locater fee of $5. It’s the airline’s new policy.”
Passenger: “That’s the craziest thing I ever heard. I won’t pay it.”
Attendant: “Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?”
Passenger: “Okay, I’ll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this!”
Attendant: “Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?”
Passenger: “Yes, thank you.”
Attendant: “No problem. That will be $10, sir.”
Passenger: “What?”
Attendant: “The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.”
Passenger: “This is extortion. I won’t stand for it!”
Attendant: “Actually, you’re right, you can’t stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We’re about to push back from the gate. But first I need that $10.”
Passenger: “No way!”
Attendant: “Sir, if you don’t comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don’t want me to do that.”
Passenger: “Why not? Is he going to shoot me?”
Attendant: “No, but there’s a $50 air marshal hailing fee.”
Passenger: “Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I don’t believe this!”
Attendant: “Thank you for your co-operation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
Passenger: “Yes, it’s stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn’t seem to work. Can you fix it?”
Attendant: “Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead fan slot.”
Passenger: “The airline is charging me for cabin air?”
Attendant: “Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It’s the circulating air that costs fifty cents.”
Passenger: “I don’t have any quarters. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Attendant: “Certainly, sir. Here you go.”
Passenger: “But you’ve given me only three quarters for my dollar!”
Attendant: “Yes, there’s a change-making fee of twenty-five cents.”
Passenger: “For crying out loud! Now all I have left is a lousy quarter! What the heck can I do with this?”
Attendant: “Hang onto it, sir. You’ll need it later for the lavatory.”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks “How do you guys relieve your s*xual tension?”
“Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we’ll show you.”
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says “Since you’re our guest you get to go first.”
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s*x with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks: “Are you almost done Doc?”
“We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women.”
“Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we’ll show you.”
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says “Since you’re our guest you get to go first.”
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s*x with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks: “Are you almost done Doc?”
“We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women.”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A hippie walks on a bus and sees a nun. Being the straight forward kind of guy he is, he says :”Hey baby, want to have s.x?”
The nun says: “God no!”, so she gets off the bus angry.
When the hippie is about to get off the bus, the bus driver asks him: “Hey man, you see that graveyard across the street?”
The hippie: “yeah I see it, what about it?”
“Well every Tuesday night at 8:30, the nun go’s to the top of the hill to pray. If you dress up as a ghost, and tell her to have s.x with you, she’ll have too”;
The hippie replied: “sweet!”.
So, Tuesday night comes and the hippie has a ghost costume, 8:30 comes and here comes the nun. The hippie pops out and says: “I am the ghost of a man buried here, and I command you to have s.x with me!”
The nun: “Well… ok, but I have a virgins aspect so it has to be oral”
So the nun and the hippie have and the hippie runs away and says: “Ha, ha I was actually the hippie” and the nun replied: “Ha, ha I’m actually the bus driver!”
The nun says: “God no!”, so she gets off the bus angry.
When the hippie is about to get off the bus, the bus driver asks him: “Hey man, you see that graveyard across the street?”
The hippie: “yeah I see it, what about it?”
“Well every Tuesday night at 8:30, the nun go’s to the top of the hill to pray. If you dress up as a ghost, and tell her to have s.x with you, she’ll have too”;
The hippie replied: “sweet!”.
So, Tuesday night comes and the hippie has a ghost costume, 8:30 comes and here comes the nun. The hippie pops out and says: “I am the ghost of a man buried here, and I command you to have s.x with me!”
The nun: “Well… ok, but I have a virgins aspect so it has to be oral”
So the nun and the hippie have and the hippie runs away and says: “Ha, ha I was actually the hippie” and the nun replied: “Ha, ha I’m actually the bus driver!”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Public boys school burns down so they are all ushered off to the local Catholic school.
Young nun walks in and catches them in a competition peeing up the wall in the toilets.
She then reports to the Mother Superior who asks " and what did you do"?
Young nun reports " I hit the roof".
Mother says" that's the way, don't let those public school mob put anything over on us".
Young nun walks in and catches them in a competition peeing up the wall in the toilets.
She then reports to the Mother Superior who asks " and what did you do"?
Young nun reports " I hit the roof".
Mother says" that's the way, don't let those public school mob put anything over on us".
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Randy and Mandy are from the poorest part of town and decide for a change to go window shopping late on Saturday night.
Mandy sees a hat in the first shop and says" wow, I'd really like to get that hat".
So Randy picks up a rock and hurls it through the window and says" there ya go Mandy".
Next shop, same thing only a purse this time.
Next shop is a beaut necklace to which Mandy says" .......hang on hang on " says Randy " what ...do you think I'm made of rocks"?
Mandy sees a hat in the first shop and says" wow, I'd really like to get that hat".
So Randy picks up a rock and hurls it through the window and says" there ya go Mandy".
Next shop, same thing only a purse this time.
Next shop is a beaut necklace to which Mandy says" .......hang on hang on " says Randy " what ...do you think I'm made of rocks"?
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian, He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time."
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "nah, Not Brian, He was a terrific athlete, He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis, He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian .."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.
He died.
“I'm married to his widow."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian, He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time."
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "nah, Not Brian, He was a terrific athlete, He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis, He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian .."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.
He died.
“I'm married to his widow."
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Ah yah goes,3 rabbits having toasties,cheese&ham toasties,next day the same but the 3rd rabbit ham&egg toastie,next day same again 3rd rabbit bacon toastie,next day same again 3rd rabbit sausage toastie,next day only 2 rabbits!!3rd rabbit died of mixamatoasties
that’s class xx
that’s class xx-
LoongLee
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.
"We're sorry, Mr. O'Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O'Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O'Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O'Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
"We're sorry, Mr. O'Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O'Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O'Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O'Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
ลุงลี
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
fella retires and buys himself a top of the range Merc takes it for
a run on the motorway. Does 90 then 100 then 110, notices police on his tail pushes up to 120 then 130, thinks to himself how stupid am I, slows down and stops for police. Policeman comes up to him and says, "It's your lucky day I'm just about to finish my shift for the weekend if you can give me a good excuse why you were speeding I'll let you off.?"
Guy says to him, " My wife ran off with a policeman about 10 years ago, and I thought you were bringing her back."
"Copper says ok on your way sir."
a run on the motorway. Does 90 then 100 then 110, notices police on his tail pushes up to 120 then 130, thinks to himself how stupid am I, slows down and stops for police. Policeman comes up to him and says, "It's your lucky day I'm just about to finish my shift for the weekend if you can give me a good excuse why you were speeding I'll let you off.?"
Guy says to him, " My wife ran off with a policeman about 10 years ago, and I thought you were bringing her back."
"Copper says ok on your way sir."
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Johnny’s daddy is the principle of the school.
He saw his teacher leaving school.
Johnny: ”Hey miss where you going?”
Teacher: ”Home.”
Johnny: ”Can I come with You ??
Teacher: ” No!”
Johnny: ” I’m gonna tell my daddy!”
Teacher: ”Fine.”
They arrive at the teachers house…
Teacher: ”Johnny i’m going to take a shower.”
Johnny: ”Can I come ??
Teacher:”No!”
Johnny: ”I’m gonna tell my daddy.”
Teacher:”Fine.”
They are in the shower…
Johnny: ”Can I touch your belly button?”
Teacher: ”No.”
Johnny: ”I’m gonna tell my daddy.”
Teacher: ”Fine.”
Teacher: ”Errr… Johnny thats not my belly button!”
Johnny: ” That's not my finger.”
He saw his teacher leaving school.
Johnny: ”Hey miss where you going?”
Teacher: ”Home.”
Johnny: ”Can I come with You ??
Teacher: ” No!”
Johnny: ” I’m gonna tell my daddy!”
Teacher: ”Fine.”
They arrive at the teachers house…
Teacher: ”Johnny i’m going to take a shower.”
Johnny: ”Can I come ??
Teacher:”No!”
Johnny: ”I’m gonna tell my daddy.”
Teacher:”Fine.”
They are in the shower…
Johnny: ”Can I touch your belly button?”
Teacher: ”No.”
Johnny: ”I’m gonna tell my daddy.”
Teacher: ”Fine.”
Teacher: ”Errr… Johnny thats not my belly button!”
Johnny: ” That's not my finger.”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Little Johnny is in his closet when he hears a noise. His mom comes in and starts having s.x with someone other than his dad. He hears a door slam and his mother say “Oh no, my husband his home! Quick! Hide in the closet.”
The man get in the closet and little Johnny says: “Dark in here isn’t it?”
The man is startled but then calms down. “Yes it is.”
“Do you want to buy my baseball glove?”
“No.”
“I could go to my dad.”
“Fine. How much? ”
“200$”
“Fine. ”
This happens again later in the week.
“Dark in here isn’t it?”
“Yes, yes it is.”
“Do you want to buy my baseball bat?”
“How much?”
“300$”
A few days later his dad wants to play ball with him and tells him to go get his glove and bat.
“I can’t. I sold them to my friends.”
“For how much?”
“500$”
“That is way too much. I am taking you to church right now for a confession.”
They get to the church and little Johnny gets in the booth.
“Dark in here, isn’t it?”
The reverend says: “Don’t start that Crap again. Your in MY closet now.”
The man get in the closet and little Johnny says: “Dark in here isn’t it?”
The man is startled but then calms down. “Yes it is.”
“Do you want to buy my baseball glove?”
“No.”
“I could go to my dad.”
“Fine. How much? ”
“200$”
“Fine. ”
This happens again later in the week.
“Dark in here isn’t it?”
“Yes, yes it is.”
“Do you want to buy my baseball bat?”
“How much?”
“300$”
A few days later his dad wants to play ball with him and tells him to go get his glove and bat.
“I can’t. I sold them to my friends.”
“For how much?”
“500$”
“That is way too much. I am taking you to church right now for a confession.”
They get to the church and little Johnny gets in the booth.
“Dark in here, isn’t it?”
The reverend says: “Don’t start that Crap again. Your in MY closet now.”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer and then maybe a nap.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer and then maybe a nap.