Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

“Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

[747man]

[GT93]

Somchai's daughter realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mum, Mrs. Somchai, about that hair.

Her mum calmly said: "In Nong Khai we call that part where the hair has grown "monkey". Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."

The girl smiled. While sitting on the floor eating dinner at her Nong Khai home that evening, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing. Mine is already eating imported bananas."

[GT93]

Two English gents, Alan and Flacker, are having a drink in a Nong Khai bar. The bartender is Alan's neighbour, Somchai, but that’s not relevant in this post. Alan tells Flacker that he bought a racehorse with some other cabbies way back in 1984 - 5 because he had made quite a bit of money punting on Everton that season.

He tells Flacker we called the horse “My Face”.

Alan: “We didn’t care if he didn’t win. We just wanted to hear a load of posh twats shouting come on My Face."

[GT93]

An overweight Liverpool supporter walks into the bar of a Nong Khai restaurant and goes up to the bartender, Somchai, and asks "How much for a large bottle of Leo?" After a bit of an effort to work out what the singlet attired Scouser is saying, Somchai replies "30 baht".

The farang’s jaw drops in amazement. He scratches a hairy shoulder. He quickly orders a beer and then asks Somchai "Well then how much for an Aussie sirloin with a side of mashed potatoes and salad and an entire cheesecake for desert?" Somchai replies "100 baht".

The ex-pat Scouser is astonished and quickly orders everything. After he is done eating his meal he says "Wow, this place is awesome. I really wish I could meet the owner of this place. Is he a farang?"

Somchai then whispers "Yes. He's upstairs in his office with my oldest daughter". The portly Scouser looks confused. Then he delicately asks: "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your daughter?"

Somchai mischievously smiles and says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

[dianecad]

LONDON CABBIE. A DEVOUT MUSLIN ENTERED A BLACK CAB IN LONDON. HE CURTLY ASKED ASKED THE CABBIE TO TURN OFF THE RADIO BECAUSE AS DECREED BY HIS RELIGIOUS TEACHING, HE MUST NOT LISTEN TO MUSIC BECAUSE IN THE TIME OF THE PROPHET THERE WAS NO MUSIC,ESPECIALLY WESTERN MUSIC WHICH IS THE MUSIC OF THE IFIDEL.THE CAB DRIVER POLITELY SWITCHED OFF THE RADIO, STOPPED THE CAB AND OPEND THE DOOR. THE ARAB ASKED HIM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?; THE CABBIE ANSWERED, IN THE TIME OF THE PROPHET THERE WERE NO TAXIS ABOUT, SO ---- OFF AND WAIT FOR A CAMEL.;HAAA.HA. GOODIE HEY.

[dianecad]

A MAN WITH A BALD HEAD AND A WOODEN LEG IS INVITED XMAS FANCY DRESS PARTY. HE DOESN;T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR TO HIDE BALD HEAD AND HIS WOODEN LEG,SO HE WRITES TO A FANCY DRESS COMPANY TO EXPLAIN HIS PROBLEM. A FEW DAYS LATER HE RECEIVES A PARCEL WITH A NOTE; DEAR SIR, PLEASE FIND ENCLOSED A PIRATES OUT OUTFIT.THE SPOTTED HANDKERCHIEF WILL COVER YOUR BALD HEAD AND WITH YOUR WOODEN LEG YOU WILL THE PART AS A PIRATE.THE MAN IS OFFENDED THAT THE OUTFIT EMPHASIZES HIS DISABILITY, SO HE WRITES A LETTER OF CONPLAINT...A WEEK PASSES AND HE RECIEVES ANOTHER PARCEL AND A NOTE; DEAR SIR SORRY ABOUT PREVIOUS PARCEL. PLEASEFIND ENCLOSED A MONKS HABIT.THE ROBE WILL COVER YOUR WOODEN LEG AND WITH YOUR BALD HEAD YOOO WILL REALY LOOK THE PART.THE MAN IS REALY IN A RAGE NOW BECAUSE THEY HAVE GONE TO FAR DRAWING ATTENTION TO HIS WOODEN LEG AND HIS BALD HEAD. HE WRITES A VERY NASTY LETTER BACK OF CONPLAINT, A FEW DAYS LATER HE RECIEVES A VERY SMALL PARCEL WHITH A LETTER, SAYING DEAR SIR PLEASE FIND A TIN OF GOLDEN SYRUP. WE SUGGEST YOU POUR THE TIN OF GOLDEN SYRUP OVER YOUR BALDY ****** HEAD, LET IT HARDEN, THEN STICK YOUR WOODEN LEG UP YOUR ARSE AND GO AS A ****** TOFFEE APPLE.

[747man]

LONDON CABBIE. A DEVOUT MUSLIN ENTERED A BLACK CAB IN LONDON. HE CURTLY ASKED ASKED THE CABBIE TO TURN OFF THE RADIO BECAUSE AS DECREED BY HIS RELIGIOUS TEACHING, HE MUST NOT LISTEN TO MUSIC BECAUSE IN THE TIME OF THE PROPHET THERE WAS NO MUSIC,ESPECIALLY WESTERN MUSIC WHICH IS THE MUSIC OF THE IFIDEL.THE CAB DRIVER POLITELY SWITCHED OFF THE RADIO, STOPPED THE CAB AND OPEND THE DOOR. THE ARAB ASKED HIM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?; THE CABBIE ANSWERED, IN THE TIME OF THE PROPHET THERE WERE NO TAXIS ABOUT, SO **** OFF AND WAIT FOR A CAMEL.;HAAA.HA. GOODIE HEY.

Very Old one Though !!

[747man]

A MAN WITH A BALD HEAD AND A WOODEN LEG IS INVITED XMAS FANCY DRESS PARTY. HE DOESN;T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR TO HIDE BALD HEAD AND HIS WOODEN LEG,SO HE WRITES TO A FANCY DRESS COMPANY TO EXPLAIN HIS PROBLEM. A FEW DAYS LATER HE RECEIVES A PARCEL WITH A NOTE; DEAR SIR, PLEASE FIND ENCLOSED A PIRATES OUT OUTFIT.THE SPOTTED HANDKERCHIEF WILL COVER YOUR BALD HEAD AND WITH YOUR WOODEN LEG YOU WILL THE PART AS A PIRATE.THE MAN IS OFFENDED THAT THE OUTFIT EMPHASIZES HIS DISABILITY, SO HE WRITES A LETTER OF CONPLAINT...A WEEK PASSES AND HE RECIEVES ANOTHER PARCEL AND A NOTE; DEAR SIR SORRY ABOUT PREVIOUS PARCEL. PLEASEFIND ENCLOSED A MONKS HABIT.THE ROBE WILL COVER YOUR WOODEN LEG AND WITH YOUR BALD HEAD YOOO WILL REALY LOOK THE PART.THE MAN IS REALY IN A RAGE NOW BECAUSE THEY HAVE GONE TO FAR DRAWING ATTENTION TO HIS WOODEN LEG AND HIS BALD HEAD. HE WRITES A VERY NASTY LETTER BACK OF CONPLAINT, A FEW DAYS LATER HE RECIEVES A VERY SMALL PARCEL WHITH A LETTER, SAYING DEAR SIR PLEASE FIND A TIN OF GOLDEN SYRUP. WE SUGGEST YOU POUR THE TIN OF GOLDEN SYRUP OVER YOUR BALDY ****** HEAD, LET IT HARDEN, THEN STICK YOUR WOODEN LEG UP YOUR ARSE AND GO AS A ****** TOFFEE APPLE.

STOP ******* SHOUTING.....

[GT93]

WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR.

It's as noisy in here as if a 747 is taking off.

[GT93]

A middle aged Man U supporter comes home to find his 17 year old daughter spread out over the sofa with a dildo up her. "What the hell are you doing?" he shouts.

Quickly covering herself up she explains "Well you won't let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute."

The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad watching a Man U game with a dildo up his arse drinking a can of beer. "What are you doing?" she shouts.

He replies, "Having a beer with your boyfriend."

[GT93]

How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shxt from someone.

[Mosquito]

American guy brings his Thai wife to a Major League Baseball game for the 1st time, he's desperate to teach her America's favorite pasttime.

1st batter hits the plate, pitcher warms up and throws a strike.
second pitch is a ball, third pitch is a ball.
guy explains to the wife that the batter now has 1 strike and 2 balls, wife nods her head in understanding.
forth and fifth pitch are balls, and the batter starts walking to 1st base.
guys says that the batter has 4 balls, wife nods in understanding...........saying i'd walk if I had 4 balls.

sounded better in my head.

[747man]

American guy brings his Thai wife to a Major League Baseball game for the 1st time, he's desperate to teach her America's favorite pasttime.

1st batter hits the plate, pitcher warms up and throws a strike.
second pitch is a ball, third pitch is a ball.
guy explains to the wife that the batter now has 1 strike and 2 balls, wife nods her head in understanding.
forth and fifth pitch are balls, and the batter starts walking to 1st base.
guys says that the batter has 4 balls, wife nods in understanding...........saying i'd walk if I had 4 balls.

sounded better in my head.

Don't Give the Day Job Up....Mossie !!!

[vidmaster]

Two guys meet up at the pub.
‘What happened ?’ the first guy gasps, seeing his friends black eye.
‘Well,’ his friend explains, ‘I was in a lift and a woman with huge breasts walked in.
She said to me: “Would you please press one ?” So I did!’

[747man]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked: “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says: “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

[UdonExpat]

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

[vidmaster]

I went to see my doctor today as he had some results from my last visit , he said sit down i have good news and i have bad news , so i said ok whats the good news , he said you have 24 hours to live , i said wow ok but whats the bad news and he said well i should have told you yesterday .

[747man]

[747man]

Since my wife left, I've bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes.

She's going to be pissed off when she comes home from work.