Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

An old man finds a condom in his grandson’s apartment and asks what it is.

“It’s a condom,” replies the grandson, sheepishly.

“What do you use it for?” asks Grandpa.

The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”

Grandpa says, “That’s a great idea.” He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condoms.

“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist.

“Big enough to fit a Camel.”

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

[Nigglyb]

The England football team visited an orphanage in Russia today.
“It was heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope” said Vladimir aged 6

[vidmaster]

I made a bed out of old magazines and now I have back issues.

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

I've got two tickets for the #WorldCup2018 final, but I didn't realise it will be on the same day as my wedding so I can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of me, it's at St Andrews church in Brighton, the girl is called Sarah and she’s very nice....

[vidmaster]

My boss said he's going to fire everyone with bad posture. I have a hunch it might be me.

[UdonExpat]

: Sex after death



A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact. “Nancy, Nancy?'

"Is that you, Ray?”

“Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

“That's wonderful! what's it like?”

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to the golf course.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

“Oh, Ray! Are you in Heaven?”

“No, I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

[747man]

[GT93]

You're playing in the golf club championship tournament finals and the match is halved at the end of 17 holes.

You have the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!".

The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:.......

Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

[stattointhailand]

What have Lionel Messi & Donald Trump got in common?

Neither has any control of the shooting going on around them

[vidmaster]

Why did the Scotsman stop playing golf after 20 years?

He lost his ball🤪🤪🤪🤪

[747man]

Polish football fans on a rampage in Moscow. Police say over 300 cars have been washed, waxed and hoovered

[vidmaster]

3 REASONS WHY GOLFERS PREFER A GOLF CART TO A CADDIE - IT CAN’T COUNT, CRITICISE OR LAUGH

[747man]

[stattointhailand]

3 REASONS WHY GOLFERS PREFER A GOLF CART TO A CADDIE - IT CAN’T COUNT, CRITICISE OR LAUGH

Ah but a Golf Cart is nowhere near as much fun as a nice young caddy at the 19th & 20th