Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Polish football fans on a rampage in Moscow. Police say over 300 cars have been washed, waxed and hoovered
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Oh dear, a real rib tickler there so falling back to type I see.
I’ll leave you with this little nugget.......
Fire brigade phones Bill Kenwright in the early hours of Sunday morning....
"Mr Kenwright sir, Goodison Park is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Bill.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the kitchen yet, sir"
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Knew THAT Would UPSET Yer.......Nigglyb wrote: ↑June 27, 2018, 8:18 pmOh dear, a real rib tickler there so falling back to type I see.
I’ll leave you with this little nugget.......
Fire brigade phones Bill Kenwright in the early hours of Sunday morning....
"Mr Kenwright sir, Goodison Park is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Bill.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the kitchen yet, sir"
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Nope, I was just trying to put a bit of humour back into the thread. It is the Consolidated Jokes thread after all & you weren’t being funny.
At all..........
In fact ever.....
Must try harder .... C-
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
All my German friends have blocked me since Germany’s exit from the World Cup ! My phone is now completely..... Hans Free
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Not bad. Made me chuckle
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”
She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”
She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub.” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet.”
She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”
She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub.” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet.”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
What a beautiful story. This should be shared with everyone!
Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch.
He had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch.
He had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep ---- now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.
The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says……..
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”
Moral of this story…
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull ---- and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep ---- now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.
The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says……..
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”
Moral of this story…
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull ---- and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
As a plane is about to crash, a female passenger announces "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes her clothes. "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt "Here, iron this!"
She removes her clothes. "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt "Here, iron this!"
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
What do you call a dog magician?
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Labracadabra
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Driving home late one night, a man spotted a car on fire. He rushed over to help and saw that a beautiful woman was trapped inside, bleeding to death. He dragged her to safety from the flames, wrapped her in a blanket and drove her to the nearest hospital. Over the next six months, he regularly donated blood to keep her alive. It was touch and go whether she pulled through, but eventually she did recover and later that year they got married.
For two years they lived happily together, but then she grew restless and decided to leave him. As she came down the stairs one morning, carrying two large suitcases and a set of car keys, he challenged her: “Where are you going?”
“I’m leaving you,” she said coldly.
“What are you doing with the car keys?”
“I’m leaving in the Mercedes.”
“No, you’re not. It’s my car. I paid for that. You’re not having it.”
“Fine,” she said, and threw the keys at him.
“And what’s in those bulging suitcases?” he demanded.
“My clothes,” she said.
“You mean the clothes I’ve paid for? They’re not going anywhere!”
“Fine,” she said, tipping out the cases before stripping off completely and hurling her clothes at him.
“And,” he continued, warming to the theme, “what about the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You’re not going anywhere.”
With that, she whipped out her tampon and said: “I’ll pay you back in monthly instalments!”
For two years they lived happily together, but then she grew restless and decided to leave him. As she came down the stairs one morning, carrying two large suitcases and a set of car keys, he challenged her: “Where are you going?”
“I’m leaving you,” she said coldly.
“What are you doing with the car keys?”
“I’m leaving in the Mercedes.”
“No, you’re not. It’s my car. I paid for that. You’re not having it.”
“Fine,” she said, and threw the keys at him.
“And what’s in those bulging suitcases?” he demanded.
“My clothes,” she said.
“You mean the clothes I’ve paid for? They’re not going anywhere!”
“Fine,” she said, tipping out the cases before stripping off completely and hurling her clothes at him.
“And,” he continued, warming to the theme, “what about the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You’re not going anywhere.”
With that, she whipped out her tampon and said: “I’ll pay you back in monthly instalments!”