Consolidated Joke Thread

[stattointhailand]

American journalist goes to Afghanistan in 2000. Everywhere he goes he sees men walking ten feet in front of women. He asks an Afghani guy about it, the guy responds, "this is our culture, where men are superior to women, and that is why they must walk behind us." Journalist shrugs and goes back to US.
Five years later, in 2005, same journalist goes back to Afghanistan. Everywhere he goes he now sees women walking ten feet IN FRONT of men. Journalist gets really excited, goes to talk to an Afghani guy. "This is an amazing cultural shift, and step toward gender equality!" journalist says. "What prompted this change?"
Afghani guy shrugs. "Landmines"

[stattointhailand]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

[stattointhailand]

So a couple from Maine gets married and the father of the groom is sitting reading the paper when his son bursts in and the father asks "son why are you here shouldn't you be on your honeymoon with your new wife?" To which the son responds "Well I couldn't consummate the marriage since she is a virgin" The father responds "That's great why would you leave something like that?" The son then says "If she's not good enough for her brother she damn sure ain't good enough for me!"

[stattointhailand]

*How do people practice safe s e x in Wales?
They put X's on the sheep that kick

In Arkansas, when a couple gets a divorce, are they still cousins?

A man in arkansas is having sex with his sister. When he finished, she commented "you f*ck worse than dad." "i know," he replies, "mom told me."

*What do you call a virgin in Alabama? Faster than her brothers.

*A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest were on a plane full of children that was malfunctioning and on its way down quick. The doctor cries, "We have to save the children!" The lawyer shouts, "Screw the kids!" The priest asks, "Do you think we have time?"

[UdonExpat]

Recently, a female Sheriff's Deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.

'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'

Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? ---- ... Is it midnight already?'”

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

[stattointhailand]

What did the Englishman do with his M & M's .................... eat them
What did the Irishman do with his M & Ms ......................... put them in alphabetical order

[stattointhailand]

I've just been to a Muslim birthday party.

The musical chairs was a bit slow but the pass the parcel was really quick!

I see that the Catholic Church has now revised the "Seven Deadly Sins" to include "Hoarding Great Wealth".

Lucky for them they haven't included Hypocrisy.

Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?
A: He got the gas bill.

[747man]

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the cinema.

[AlexO]

Lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this
from a distance and says with caution "this guy
looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the
lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's
about to run he sees some bones next to him
and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that
was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly
stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher
then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over
by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can
benefit from this situation by telling the lion and
getting something in return. So the monkey
proceeds to tell the lion what really happened
and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll
get him together". So they start rushing back to
the dog. The dog sees them and realized what
happened and starts to panic even more. He
then gets another idea and shouts "where the
---- is that monkey! I told him to bring me
another lion an hour ago!!..

[vidmaster]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
Below is a list....

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen over and I can't get up!

And we can’t forget the German bra.....Holtzemfromfloppen!!

[747man]

In the heart of the jungle, two monkeys were sitting in a tree beneath which a lion was sleeping peacefully. One monkey said to the other: “I dare you to go down there and kick that lion in the butt!”

Feeling mischievous, the other monkey said: “Okay, I’ll do it.”

So he ran down the tree, kicked the lion as hard as he could in the butt, and then

made his escape by racing off through the jungle. Roused from his slumbers, the angry lion immediately gave chase and was soon gaining fast on the monkey until he was only about fifty yards behind him. Realizing he had to act quickly to avoid being eaten by the lion, the monkey picked up a newspaper that was lying on the ground and sat on a tree stump pretending to read it.

A few moments later, the lion arrived on the scene. “Did you see a monkey pass this way just now?” asked the lion.

The monkey replied: “Do you mean the one that kicked the lion in the butt?”

“Damn!” said the lion. “Don’t tell me it’s in the papers already!”

[AlexO]

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.

Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don' t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog? Now that is cool."

Understanding Engineers #7
Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One student shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both have since flunked out and are now serving in the U.S. Congress.

[vidmaster]

Well

[747man]

Was Held up for an hour on Highway 2 Today, By Some Bloody Cyclists Couldn't pass them for AGES !!

[eire]

Old Chinese Proverb
He who walk trough door side ways ,
With erect Penis
Going to Bangkok

[747man]

A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger. They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing.

“What shall we do?” said the wife.

“I know,” said the husband. “Put it between your legs to warm it up.”

“But it’s all wet and it stinks!”

“Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”

[Chuchi]

[747man]

To combat the recession, a budget airline has introduced a wave of new passenger charges:

Attendant: “Welcome aboard Cheapo Airlines, sir. May I see your ticket?”

Passenger: “Sure.”

Attendant: “You’re in seat 61C. That’ll be $5 please.”

Passenger: “What for?”

Attendant: “For telling you where to sit.”

Passenger: “But I already knew where to sit.”

Attendant: “Nevertheless we are now charging a seat-locater fee of $5. It’s the airline’s new policy.”

Passenger: “That’s the craziest thing I ever heard. I won’t pay it.”

Attendant: “Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?”

Passenger: “Okay, I’ll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this!”

Attendant: “Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?”

Passenger: “Yes, thank you.”

Attendant: “No problem. That will be $10, sir.”

Passenger: “What?”

Attendant: “The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.”

Passenger: “This is extortion. I won’t stand for it!”

Attendant: “Actually, you’re right, you can’t stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We’re about to push back from the gate. But first I need that $10.”

Passenger: “No way!”

Attendant: “Sir, if you don’t comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don’t want me to do that.”

Passenger: “Why not? Is he going to shoot me?”

Attendant: “No, but there’s a $50 air marshal hailing fee.”

Passenger: “Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I don’t believe this!”

Attendant: “Thank you for your co-operation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Passenger: “Yes, it’s stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn’t seem to work. Can you fix it?”

Attendant: “Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead fan slot.”

Passenger: “The airline is charging me for cabin air?”

Attendant: “Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It’s the circulating air that costs fifty cents.”

Passenger: “I don’t have any quarters. Do you have change for a dollar?”

Attendant: “Certainly, sir. Here you go.”

Passenger: “But you’ve given me only three quarters for my dollar!”

Attendant: “Yes, there’s a change-making fee of twenty-five cents.”

Passenger: “For crying out loud! Now all I have left is a lousy quarter! What the heck can I do with this?”

Attendant: “Hang onto it, sir. You’ll need it later for the lavatory.”

[Chuchi]

To the person who stole my antidepressants I HOPE YOUR HAPPY NOW!!

[vidmaster]

Guy sat in a police interrogation room, "I'm not saying anything without my Lawyer present". "You are the Lawyer". "Exactly, so where's my present?"