A man and a woman meet in an elevator heading down. Both had important meetings today.
“Where are you heading?” The man asked the woman.
“To the blood bank to donate some blood,” she said proudly. The man smirked. “How much do you get paid?”
“About $20,” she replied. “What about you?”
“I’m heading to the sperm bank. They give me $100 for donations there!” He replied with a grin. The woman frowned as they reached the bottom floor.
The following day, the two met again at the same elevator.
“Where to this time?” The man asked. The woman smiled but didn’t open her mouth.
“Shfrm Bnk!” The woman replied with her mouth full.
Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a big-time lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense.
Cop says," License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
"I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
"What's the difference?"
"The difference is, ye huvtae come to a complete stop; that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
So the lawyer gets out.
The cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a big-time lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense.
Cop says," License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
"I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
"What's the difference?"
"The difference is, ye huvtae come to a complete stop; that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
So the lawyer gets out.
The cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Re: Consolidated Jokes
What is the difference between love and marriage
Love is blind and
marriage is an eye open
Love is blind and
marriage is an eye open
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Four Irish nuns, on a pilgrimage to Lourdes, had a car accident and all were killed. They duly ascended to heaven where they waited in a queue to be questioned by St Peter.
“Tell me sister” he said to the first nun, “have you ever had knowledge of a man?”
”Well, I did once see Father O’Riordan’s willy.”
”Go over to the font and wash your eyes and you are absolved of your sin and may enter Heaven.”
He repeated the question to the second nun and was told “I once touched Father O’Riordan’s willy.”
”Go over to the font and wash your hands and you are absolved of your sin and you too may enter Heaven.”
Suddenly there was a commotion as the fourth nun pushed her way to the front.
”What’s the matter?” St Peter asked.
Pointing to the third nun she replied ”If you tink dat Oi’m gargling dat water after she’s washed her arse in it ….”
“Tell me sister” he said to the first nun, “have you ever had knowledge of a man?”
”Well, I did once see Father O’Riordan’s willy.”
”Go over to the font and wash your eyes and you are absolved of your sin and may enter Heaven.”
He repeated the question to the second nun and was told “I once touched Father O’Riordan’s willy.”
”Go over to the font and wash your hands and you are absolved of your sin and you too may enter Heaven.”
Suddenly there was a commotion as the fourth nun pushed her way to the front.
”What’s the matter?” St Peter asked.
Pointing to the third nun she replied ”If you tink dat Oi’m gargling dat water after she’s washed her arse in it ….”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A married couple was abducted by Martians one night. This was an effort on the alien’s part to study the life and behavior of human beings.
Terrified, the couple agreed to help the Martians in any way they can as long as they were to be freed the next day. The Martians agreed. They only had one simple request. They wanted to know how earthlings had s.x.
To conduct the experiment, the earth couple was to exchange partners with the Martians. The male earthling slept with a female Martian while the female earthling slept with the male Martian.
When it was time for the male Martian to have s.x with the wife, she looked a bit disappointed. This was because the penis of the Martian was very small.
“That is no problem,” said the Martian. He slapped his forehead and his penis lengthened until it was of an impressive length. The wife was amazed.
“But it still looks very thin,” she said.
“That’s not a problem, either,” said the Martian. He then pulled his ears. With each pull, his penis widened until it was of exciting proportions to the wife.
With everything at the proper size, they continued to have wild s.x for the night. The
morning after, the wife greeted her husband with a smile on her face and asked how his night was.
“It was terrible,” he said. “She slapped my head and kept pulling my ears all night. She was so frustrating.”
Terrified, the couple agreed to help the Martians in any way they can as long as they were to be freed the next day. The Martians agreed. They only had one simple request. They wanted to know how earthlings had s.x.
To conduct the experiment, the earth couple was to exchange partners with the Martians. The male earthling slept with a female Martian while the female earthling slept with the male Martian.
When it was time for the male Martian to have s.x with the wife, she looked a bit disappointed. This was because the penis of the Martian was very small.
“That is no problem,” said the Martian. He slapped his forehead and his penis lengthened until it was of an impressive length. The wife was amazed.
“But it still looks very thin,” she said.
“That’s not a problem, either,” said the Martian. He then pulled his ears. With each pull, his penis widened until it was of exciting proportions to the wife.
With everything at the proper size, they continued to have wild s.x for the night. The
morning after, the wife greeted her husband with a smile on her face and asked how his night was.
“It was terrible,” he said. “She slapped my head and kept pulling my ears all night. She was so frustrating.”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Whose Quote is This ??
I have been asked by a lot of people how I made my fortune
Well , I bought car aerials for £1, sold them for £1.20 . Went on and bought more sold them and bought even more and sold them and so on.........Then my uncle died and left me £500m
I have been asked by a lot of people how I made my fortune
Well , I bought car aerials for £1, sold them for £1.20 . Went on and bought more sold them and bought even more and sold them and so on.........Then my uncle died and left me £500m
-
karonsteve
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 414
- Joined: August 8, 2012, 8:37 pm
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Lord Alan Sugar747man wrote: ↑November 24, 2018, 3:52 pmWhose Quote is This ??
I have been asked by a lot of people how I made my fortune
Well , I bought car aerials for £1, sold them for £1.20 . Went on and bought more sold them and bought even more and sold them and so on.........Then my uncle died and left me £500m
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Steve, You win To-days STAR Prize......A Weeks Supply of Sticky Rice..... =D> =D> =D>karonsteve wrote: ↑November 25, 2018, 10:12 amLord Alan Sugar747man wrote: ↑November 24, 2018, 3:52 pmWhose Quote is This ??
I have been asked by a lot of people how I made my fortune
Well , I bought car aerials for £1, sold them for £1.20 . Went on and bought more sold them and bought even more and sold them and so on.........Then my uncle died and left me £500m
-
stattointhailand
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 19114
- Joined: October 25, 2007, 11:34 pm
- Location: Oiling the locks on my gun case
Re: Consolidated Jokes
I wonder if he was "multitasking" selling the aerials on the beach in Marbella with the Senegal footie team747man wrote: ↑November 25, 2018, 5:56 pmSteve, You win To-days STAR Prize......A Weeks Supply of Sticky Rice..... =D> =D> =D>karonsteve wrote: ↑November 25, 2018, 10:12 amLord Alan Sugar747man wrote: ↑November 24, 2018, 3:52 pmWhose Quote is This ??
I have been asked by a lot of people how I made my fortune
Well , I bought car aerials for £1, sold them for £1.20 . Went on and bought more sold them and bought even more and sold them and so on.........Then my uncle died and left me £500m
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the f*ckin darts team hadn't
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the f*ckin darts team hadn't
Re: Consolidated Jokes
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu.
She sent me a note: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants.”
So I wrote back: “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone. “
She sent me a note: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants.”
So I wrote back: “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone. “
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Four men waiting in the maternity ward area
Nurse comes to the first man says congratulations you have twins
Man smiles and says that’s a coincidence I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball company
Another nurse comes in and says congratulations you are the father of Triplets
Man says that’s a coincidence I work for 3M
Another nurse comes in and says congratulations you are the father of quadruplets
Man says that’s funny I work for Four Seasons Hotel group
At this point the final man waiting starts banging his head against the wall
One of the other father asks
The man says I work for 7 Up
Nurse comes to the first man says congratulations you have twins
Man smiles and says that’s a coincidence I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball company
Another nurse comes in and says congratulations you are the father of Triplets
Man says that’s a coincidence I work for 3M
Another nurse comes in and says congratulations you are the father of quadruplets
Man says that’s funny I work for Four Seasons Hotel group
At this point the final man waiting starts banging his head against the wall
One of the other father asks
The man says I work for 7 Up
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Good Job he never worked for 7-11 Then...vidmaster wrote: ↑November 27, 2018, 6:07 pmFour men waiting in the maternity ward area
Nurse comes to the first man says congratulations you have twins
Man smiles and says that’s a coincidence I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball company
Another nurse comes in and says congratulations you are the father of Triplets
Man says that’s a coincidence I work for 3M
Another nurse comes in and says congratulations you are the father of quadruplets
Man says that’s funny I work for Four Seasons Hotel group
At this point the final man waiting starts banging his head against the wall
One of the other father asks
The man says I work for 7 Up
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you I will make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have enough time to undressed himself.”
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still f**individual!”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have enough time to undressed himself.”
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still f**individual!”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Can you imagine this! I’ve been just stopped by a policeman for speeding. And guess what I saw: he had a steering wheel in his pants!
– What? Did you ask him anything about it?
– Yes, I was like, “Excuse me, Sir, can you explain me, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” He replied, “I have no idea why it’s there, but it’s driving me nuts!”
– What? Did you ask him anything about it?
– Yes, I was like, “Excuse me, Sir, can you explain me, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” He replied, “I have no idea why it’s there, but it’s driving me nuts!”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A couple were in the shopping centre during Christmas and wife noticed that her husband had disappeared
As they had a lot of shopping to get telephoned him to find out where he was
He said do you remember the jewellers we went to about 10 years ago and you fell in love with that beautiful bracelet that I couldn’t afford at the time
She thought for a moment and a small tear run down her cheek
he said well I’m in the golf shop next door
As they had a lot of shopping to get telephoned him to find out where he was
He said do you remember the jewellers we went to about 10 years ago and you fell in love with that beautiful bracelet that I couldn’t afford at the time
She thought for a moment and a small tear run down her cheek
he said well I’m in the golf shop next door
Re: Consolidated Jokes
RACISM?
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you
Something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I
Was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why
Did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you
Something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I
Was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why
Did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Nice Website," Eh ???