Consolidated Joke Thread

[fredwilliams]

The bloke who invented dog biscuits passed away the other day.

'e woz a good boy. Yes, 'e woz.

[747man]

[747man]

[vidmaster]

Apparently Julie Andrews stopped advertising Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick as she said it breaks too easily and made her breath smell
In a statement she said
“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis “🧐

[747man]

Apparently Julie Andrews stopped advertising Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick as she said it breaks too easily and made her breath smell
In a statement she said
“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis “🧐

Oh Dear !! Don't give the day job up,Just Yet ......

[vidmaster]

Too late I gave it up 18 years ago

[AlexO]

Tesco installed a medical machine that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed,my mate wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tap water with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: 1. Ur tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2.Ur dog has ringworm. Giv it antibiotics. 3.Ur daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4.Ur wife is Xpecting twins. Not urs. Get a lawyer. 5.If u keep playing with yourself, ur darn elbow wont get better! Thank u for shopping at Tesco

[vidmaster]

Finding a woman in tears along side her car a soldier passing by asked what is the problem
The woman explained that she has lost her car keys and cannot open the car door
So the soldier immediately removed his trousers,rolls them up into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door and it immediately opens“
The woman was amazed and asks how did you do that?
He said I t’s easy, these are my khakis 🧐

[747man]

[Drunk Monkey]

DwfKzEtWkAI5pix.jpg

747 ... must say

THATS THE BEST IVE HEARD / READ IN AGES ..10 out 10 young Alan

[747man]

DwfKzEtWkAI5pix.jpg

747 ... must say

THATS THE BEST IVE HEARD / READ IN AGES ..10 out 10 young Alan

Errrrrrrrrrrr,I Hope that's not Sarcasm,Jon Boy....

[Drunk Monkey]

DwfKzEtWkAI5pix.jpg

747 ... must say

THATS THE BEST IVE HEARD / READ IN AGES ..10 out 10 young Alan

Errrrrrrrrrrr,I Hope that's not Sarcasm,Jon Boy....

no mate .. mean truly from the heart of my bottom .

[fredwilliams]

I wouldn't say that people are thick in SW2, but when I got my first mortgage there I stopped a bloke on the street and asked if there was a B&Q in Brixton. "Lemme see" he said "B-R-I-X..."

[vidmaster]

I phoned an old school friend the other day and asked him what he was doing
He said he was working on Aqua thermal treatment of ceramics,aluminum and steel in a constrained environment
I was very impressed
However on further inquiry he explained he was doing the washing up under his wife’s supervision🧐🧐🧐🧐

[AlexO]

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, “Friend, for your age you’re in the best shape I’ve seen.”
The old feller replied, “Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life.”
The doctor asked, “What makes you say that?”
The old man replied, “If I didn’t live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn’t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night.”
The doc was concerned. “You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?”
“Yep,” the old man said, “Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me.”
Well, the doctor didn’t say anything else, but when the old man’s wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
“I just want you to know,” the doctor said “Your husband’s in fine physical shape but I’m worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.”
“Aha!” she exclaimed. “So he’s the one who’s been peeing’ in the refrigerator!”

[vidmaster]

yes we have Reservations but we will eat here anyway”
It’s what I say to the receptionist that greets us and asks if we have a reservation at their restaurant

[vidmaster]

This could happen

[747man]

This one for Taxi 7/11........

....

[dezzer111]

This one for Taxi 7/11........Dw9l4DuWoAEc0MW.jpg....

Was​ it​ mothers​ pride bread?

[747man]

This one for Taxi 7/11........Dw9l4DuWoAEc0MW.jpg....

Was​ it​ mothers​ pride bread?

Maybe " Mummy's Boy Bread " Dezz.....