Consolidated Joke Thread

[stattointhailand]

What no comment about Hovis ? Dumb Dumb Dumb de Dumb

[747man]

What no comment about Hovis ? Dumb Dumb Dumb de Dumb

No Because it was WHITE Bread !!

[747man]

[747man]

Tony Blair & Owen Jones having a drink in a pub next to a dog.
Bloke walks in and lifts up the tail of the dog. Barman says “what you doing?”.
Bloke replies, “Well I couldn’t believe it, somebody said there’s a dog in that pub with two rseholes!”

[747man]

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.

[vidmaster]

My grandad crossed a pigeon with a woodpecker and not only could it deliver the mail it could also knock on the door

[747man]

...... [-o< [-o<

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

The difference between men and women:

Woman sees skid mark in toilet, grabs gloves, toilet brush, disinfectant and scrubs furiously until the toilet is spotless! !

Man sees skid mark in toilet, pulls out willy and tries to piss until it's clean...

[vidmaster]

True

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

Just visited my sister, she was counting all the 1p's and 2p's from her handbag on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason, calling me all kinds??!!

I thought to myself, she's going through the change.

[747man]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For £100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and sure enough there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been so very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the the BMW I bought for you, He paid for our new speedboat, He paid for your Millwall season ticket, He paid for our last 4 around the world cruises and 2 skiing trips, He even pays for our golf club membership!!

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said,
“What would you do?"

The cabby says: “I'd cover his arse up with that blanket before he catches a cold..”

[747man]

Saw the psychic last week, she said I'll be coming into money, last night I shagged a girl called Penny,, spooky or what !!!

[747man]

Met a woman in the pub last night who told me she loved it doggy style.
Got a date with her later...
Gonna take her up the woods, throw her a few sticks and let her have a run around...

O.K I'll get Me Coat......

[747man]