Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Two days ago I found the garden hose on and liberally watering the step. I confronted She who shall not be contradicted who firmly advised me that it was not her and was more likely me, indirectly noting that my memory was failing. An argument ensued and it was agreed (or so I surmised) that it was her nephew's son and that Wifey Dearest would confront him. Yesterday morning I was in the kitchen having my first cup of coffee when Madam walked in for hers. I, very politely, enquired if she had discussed the issue with the kid. She confirmed that she had not and again enquired if I was sure it was not me. I took umbrage that this preposterous suggestion and, raising my voice, asked the rhetorical question..."Do you think I am an idiot?" She looked into her coffee cup then raised her head to look me in the eye and said "You have put your shirt on inside out."
Re: Consolidated Jokes
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they wanted to have a look at the baby, the 65 year old mother says, “Not yet.”
A little later, they ask to see the baby again. Again, the mother says, “Not yet.”
Finally, they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
So, they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “I forgot where I put it!”
A little later, they ask to see the baby again. Again, the mother says, “Not yet.”
Finally, they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
So, they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “I forgot where I put it!”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
How ungrateful can you get ?? I thought i'd try and be romantic by giving my missus a bracelet that used to belong to my grandma, as a present !! Now i'm in the ---- as the inscription is unsuitable !! ........All it says is 'Do Not Resuscitate'
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
“Is it beef?” The daughter Katie asked.
“Nope”
“Is it pork?” the son Willie asked.
“Nope”
“Heck, we don’t know, Dad!” Willie exclaimed.
“I’ll give you a clue” the Dad said, “It’s what your mom sometimes calls me.”
“Spit it out, Willie!” cried Katie, “We’re eating Asshole!”
“Is it beef?” The daughter Katie asked.
“Nope”
“Is it pork?” the son Willie asked.
“Nope”
“Heck, we don’t know, Dad!” Willie exclaimed.
“I’ll give you a clue” the Dad said, “It’s what your mom sometimes calls me.”
“Spit it out, Willie!” cried Katie, “We’re eating Asshole!”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Wow, That's DIFFICULT to Answer !!!.............555 !!
Re: Consolidated Jokes
I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi!, how are you?”
Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”
The voice said “So what are you up to?”
I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”
From next door, “Can I come over?”
Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”
The voice said, “I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions"
Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”
The voice said “So what are you up to?”
I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”
From next door, “Can I come over?”
Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”
The voice said, “I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions"
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy his wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, “That’s not quite what I had in mind.”
Frantically he offers her a new house. Again, she rejects his offer, “That’s not quite what I had in mind.”
Curious, he asks: “What did you have in mind?”
She retorts, “I’d like a divorce.”
He answers, “I hadn’t planned on spending quite that much!”
Frantically he offers her a new house. Again, she rejects his offer, “That’s not quite what I had in mind.”
Curious, he asks: “What did you have in mind?”
She retorts, “I’d like a divorce.”
He answers, “I hadn’t planned on spending quite that much!”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
First Date
A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter, so he tried to impress her first date. “Do you like to screw?” he asks.
“Huh?!” replied the surprised young man.
“My daughter, she loves to screw and she’s very good at it. You and she should go screw” carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, “Yes, sir!”
Minutes later, the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, “Damn it Daddy! Get it right, it’s the TWIST!”
A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter, so he tried to impress her first date. “Do you like to screw?” he asks.
“Huh?!” replied the surprised young man.
“My daughter, she loves to screw and she’s very good at it. You and she should go screw” carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, “Yes, sir!”
Minutes later, the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, “Damn it Daddy! Get it right, it’s the TWIST!”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
He MUST'VE Married A Thai Girl,Then .....
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied…
“Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine!?”
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied…
“Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine!?”