Consolidated Joke Thread

[beer monkey]

Senior Citizens Having Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back
fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and
we can do it for old time's sake?"


"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good
idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex
against a fence


I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he
follows them


They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided
by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to
the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.


As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.


Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about 50 minutes. Both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the
ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about
life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing.

He thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says...
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Garnet]

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,
they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Thought for the day:

What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

[jingjai]

> > GOOD WINE LOVERS WILL RELATE TO THIS
> >
> > To the wine lovers and connoisseurs
> >
> > A man goes to the Lucas Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend and
> > orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full
> > of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
> >
> > The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down
> > on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."
> >
> > The waiter assures him it is, and soon there is another twenty
> > people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager of
> > the hotel trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928
> > Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the
> > 1928 Mouton.
> >
> > "My name is Phillipe de Rothschid, and I make the wine."
> >
> > Finally the original waiter steps forward and admits that he
> > poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our
> > last bottle of 1928Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same
> > village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same
> > cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar
> > barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs
> > from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same,
> > except for a small matter of geographic location."
> >
> > Rothschid beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When
> > you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her
underwear.
> > Put
> > one finger in one opening, another in the other, and smell both the
> > fingers.
> > You will understand what difference a small distance of geographic
> > location
> > makes."

[beer monkey]

A Sex Problem
___________________________

"Doctor,"... the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the Doc said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside,and in a quite voice said.."You're in perfect health,"
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[valentine]

Didn;'t know where else to post this


You know who,s airport VIP lounge toilet.

[valentine]

Night market special offer. Buy two, get one free.

[BobHelm]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around
and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe"

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy
turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there
are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting....

"Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

[beer monkey]

Night market special offer. Buy two, get one free.

That "Udderly" disgusting.

[beer monkey]

Didn;'t know where else to post this


You know who,s airport VIP lounge toilet.

Mick Jaggers. ?

[wokkawombat]

Two blokes are out for a stroll in the hills when they come across a sink hole. After peering over the edge for a while trying to work out how deep the hole is they decide to throw a rock in to gauge the depth.

The hole was so deep and the rock was small so they did not hear the thud as it hit bottom.

A quick decision was made and a larger rock was rolled to the edge of the hole and off it went. Still no sound was heard.

Next they found an old railway sleeper (tie) and decided to try that. After much struggling and straining the got it to the edge and tipped it end over and into the hole. Next thing a goat came rushing up and jumped into the hole head first.

While they were pondering this strange turn of events a farmer arrived and asked if they had seen a goat. They quickly explained what they had seen with the goat rushing up and diving into the hole. The farmer agreed that was surely a strange event but it could not have been his goat as it was tethered to a railway sleeper....

[BKKSTAN]

Last Friday the UN General Assembly announced that Zimbabwe would chair the UN Commission on Sustainable Development. No! Really? Yes!

And it's a simply brilliant idea. There's only electricity for four hours a day, hardly any petrol to leave a carbon flip-flop print, and life expectancy is 36.

North Korea and Burma have established "relations", which is bit like a Cuban drug-dealer meeting an Albanian people-smuggler and greeting each other with "What an opportunity!"

There are unconfirmed rumours of a gig in Pyongyang to celebrate this joyous occasion featuring The League of Burmese Trombonists conducted by the Defenceless Secretary of North Korea and 50,000 dancers.

[BKKSTAN]

A visiting journalist from Australia remarked: "There is something I don't understand. Thailand has 700 generals and 4,500 colonels, and the deep South is currently haemorrhaging life through the murder of 2,100 people and counting - and they don't even know who they are fighting, right?"

"Correct."

"And a lot of troops are going into the fray without back-up vehicles, right?"

"Correct."

"How many generals and colonels own top-of-the-range Mercedes do you think?"

"Enough to launch an armada, but I couldn't possibly comment."

[jingjai]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

[Hages]

THE BEER PRAYER

OUR LAGER,
WHICH ART IN BARRELS,
HALLOWED BE THY DRINK.

THY WILL BE DRUNK,
(I WILL BE DRUNK),
AT HOME AS IN THE TAVERN.

GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD,
AND FORGIVE US OUR SPILLAGES,
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US.

AND LEAD US NOT INTO INCARCERATION,
BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS.

FOR THINE IS THE BEER,
THE BITTER AND THE LAGER,
FOR EVER AND EVER,
BARMEN.

[Astana]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

[farang]

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[wazza]

BATHTIME FUN
A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on
He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily
"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.
A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer
"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily
"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle,","

REVENGE IS SWEET
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

A LITTLE CULTURE
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants,".
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A Belch is but a gust of wind
That cometh from the Heart,
But should it take a downward trend,
Turneth into a Fart

RESPECT YOUR ELDERS
Did you hear about the old guy who went to the retirement home?
His kids had the old man in a rest home that was the best money could buy. He even had a pair of orderlies who stood by his side 24 hours a day.
The kids came to visit him and noticed that the oldster would lean to the left and the orderly on that side would straighten him up. When he leaned to the right, that orderly straightened him up.
This went on throughout their visit.
In the course of the conversation, his son asked him how he liked the home.
'The home is fine' said Dad, 'but it is these two lummoxes that give me trouble'.
'How so?' asked the son.
'How so? Every time I lean over to fart, they won't let me!'

TECHNO PRISONERS
Two guys are playing golf -- a Japanese and American. The Japanese man, getting ready to tee off, begins talking into his thumb.
The American says, 'What are you doing?'
The Japanese man says: 'Oh, don't worry. With micro technology, I have a microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message.'
The two men go on playing golf. All of a sudden, the American man makes a funny sound that sounds amazingly like a fart.
The Japanese man looks over at him.
'Oh,' says the American. 'Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax.'

QUICKIES FROM CAROLYN

[wazza]

Bumper Stickers Uncategorized

Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The buck doesn't even slow down here!

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.


Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.

I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Bumper Stickers on Education

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!

Eschew obfuscation.

Bumper Stickers related to Holidays


Bumper Stickers related to Language

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!

Editing is a rewording activity.

Bumper stickers about Life

Life is sexually transmitted.

Never take life seriously.

Nobody gets out alive, anyway

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

When you're finally holding all the cards
,why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Never knock on Death's door:
Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

I don't have a problem with willpower.
It's won't power I have a problem with

My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
We do precision guesswork.

Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

My reality check just bounced.

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

Bumper Stickers Views of Life

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, it's still popular.

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're driving in the wrong lane.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

All good things in moderation ..... including moderation

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply

Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Bumper stickers about People

Problem with the gene pool ...... no lifeguard.
Dyslexics have more fnu.

Dyslexics of the world, untie.

Clones are people two.

Bumper sticker Ponderings

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Quantum mechanics: The stuff dreams are made of.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

Bumper Stickers on Relationships

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and sometimes I let him sleep!"

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots... I married their individual.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Bumper Stickers on Religion

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I can resist anything but temptation

God must love stupid people, he made so many.


Bumper Stickers on Science

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.

Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Bumper Stickers related to Sports

Jesus saves, passes to Moses; shoots, SCORES!

Bumper Stickers related to Sex

Kids in the back seat cause accidents;

Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.

Word Play
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

Insulting to Someone

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!


Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Jesus is coming! Look busy!

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

Out of my mind ... Back in five minutes.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Honk If You Want To See My Finger!

[wazza]

1) That's not right.......................................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?....................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.........................................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man .............................................Dum Gai
5) Small Horse............................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.........................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift.........................Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here................................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet...................Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone..........................No Pah individual
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight.................................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile...................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great.........................................Fu Kin Su Pah

[wazza]

FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

Stage 1 - CLEVER

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE

This is when you think that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar
and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than they are anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.




FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

Stage 1 - STUPID

As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning
stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several
hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever.
You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY

Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are
horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously
thought possible. Not only have you bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of
spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.

Stage 3 - POOR

Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door
when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing
from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE

As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem
plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS

This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this
CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.