The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them in to two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eat en a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
(Continue below ! - This i s great)
"THE TEETH
Consolidated Joke Thread
Product testing American style
Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...
(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket
Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to
allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun -----adequate time to
retreat to safety. ------WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device
and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if
I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to
explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay,
so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't
be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my
recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I
was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about
zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION . I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs. You should know, if you ever feel
compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little
wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return. Gracie was nowhere to be found, But she left several
scratches on me from where she must have launched out of the way.
Still in shock, Earl
(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket
Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to
allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun -----adequate time to
retreat to safety. ------WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device
and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if
I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to
explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay,
so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't
be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my
recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I
was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about
zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION . I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs. You should know, if you ever feel
compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little
wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return. Gracie was nowhere to be found, But she left several
scratches on me from where she must have launched out of the way.
Still in shock, Earl
Unfortunatly to carry, to carry them as a cop you did get a blast from them to see what it really was, Oh yes OUCH MACH MACH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've used one twice and they do work.
As I recall the infamous Rodney individual Video, he was tasered, broke the connecting lines ( something cons trained for in the joint)and kept going like the Easter Bunny, so maybe things change when drugs are involved.
This was funny but they are sold here, if yuo get one be careful they are for real.
I've used one twice and they do work.
As I recall the infamous Rodney individual Video, he was tasered, broke the connecting lines ( something cons trained for in the joint)and kept going like the Easter Bunny, so maybe things change when drugs are involved.
This was funny but they are sold here, if yuo get one be careful they are for real.
Taser
Aww, Paul, you had to go and let that one loose! Okay, for those a little curious about LA's predicament, scroll down to his response to my posting of this same item a couple of years ago:
http://www.udonmap.com/udonthaniforum/v ... c&start=60
http://www.udonmap.com/udonthaniforum/v ... c&start=60
Garnet & Jack
Some times you just have to ask yourself "Will I live to be 80?"
I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing in the beach?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
" No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a ----?"
I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing in the beach?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
" No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a ----?"
-
Pakawala
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1315
- Joined: August 3, 2006, 9:29 pm
- Location: A golf course when not at home.
My TW just told me the following story... who says Thai's don't have a sense of humor:
A young man wrote his girlfriend who lived in the next town. In his letter he became more and more romantic as he wrote...
"I love you very much and would swim the widest river, enter the deepest forest, climb the highest mountain, and fight the fiercest animal with my bare hands just to prove my love is true."
He finished his letter and signed his name but realized he forgot something very important so at the bottom of the letter he wrote:
"By the way, I will come to see you this weekend... if it doesn't rain."
A young man wrote his girlfriend who lived in the next town. In his letter he became more and more romantic as he wrote...
"I love you very much and would swim the widest river, enter the deepest forest, climb the highest mountain, and fight the fiercest animal with my bare hands just to prove my love is true."
He finished his letter and signed his name but realized he forgot something very important so at the bottom of the letter he wrote:
"By the way, I will come to see you this weekend... if it doesn't rain."
<div><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embe ... D0C479EC7A" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="369" wmode="transparent"></embed>
-
beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
-
beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
2 italians on a bus
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanised when she
hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, cool-a down, lady," said the man. "I'm-a just tellin my friend
how to spell-a Mississippi." .
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanised when she
hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, cool-a down, lady," said the man. "I'm-a just tellin my friend
how to spell-a Mississippi." .
-
Seaserpent
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 261
- Joined: December 26, 2006, 9:20 am
- Location: Pattaya Tropical
And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like...
1. A individual size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tie d to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
1. A individual size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tie d to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
-
Seaserpent
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 261
- Joined: December 26, 2006, 9:20 am
- Location: Pattaya Tropical
WORLD WAR III IS COMING
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
Real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you,
No one gives a ---- about the 140 million Muslims".
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
Real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you,
No one gives a ---- about the 140 million Muslims".
-
Seaserpent
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 261
- Joined: December 26, 2006, 9:20 am
- Location: Pattaya Tropical
-
Seaserpent
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 261
- Joined: December 26, 2006, 9:20 am
- Location: Pattaya Tropical