You'll thank me for this in the end:
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli), bacteria found
in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (rum, whiskey,
beer, or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop; Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ----.
Consolidated Joke Thread
a telephone network
Subject: a telephone network
After having dug to a depth of 10-meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years.... and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had
a telephone network more than 100-years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20-meters. Shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Klub", a Willmar, Minnesota newspaper reporte d the following: "After digging as deep as 30-meters in corn fields near Games Lake, Ole Johnson, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore conclud ed that
300-years ago Norwegians were already using wireless."
YOU BETCHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After having dug to a depth of 10-meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years.... and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had
a telephone network more than 100-years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20-meters. Shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Klub", a Willmar, Minnesota newspaper reporte d the following: "After digging as deep as 30-meters in corn fields near Games Lake, Ole Johnson, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore conclud ed that
300-years ago Norwegians were already using wireless."
YOU BETCHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you
>in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said
>the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have
>that before." "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
>but I'm fine now." "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to
>your hand?" " We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
>sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
>really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea, and a
>flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them ---- in my eye."
>"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from
>bird ----."
>
>"It was my first day with the hook."
>in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said
>the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have
>that before." "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
>but I'm fine now." "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to
>your hand?" " We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
>sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
>really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea, and a
>flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them ---- in my eye."
>"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from
>bird ----."
>
>"It was my first day with the hook."
NEW U.S. Government Seal.....
Speaker of the House Elect Nancy Pelosi today announced that the Democrats will change the country emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the new government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that .
Speaker of the House Elect Nancy Pelosi today announced that the Democrats will change the country emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the new government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that .
<div><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embe ... 73A191A5A9" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="369" wmode="transparent"></embed>
The Mini-Skirt
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt as waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Good Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Good Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Garnet & Jack
<embed src="http://www.toxicjunction.com/vids/blogp ... e=C/V2198A" width="400" height="345" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed>
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
"What majestic trees!
"What powerful rivers!
"What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder
he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came
out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach
others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you
expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps,
could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I
am truly thankful."
"What majestic trees!
"What powerful rivers!
"What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder
he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came
out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach
others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you
expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps,
could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I
am truly thankful."
-
beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
George Carlin's New Rules for 2007:
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: Lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half- low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass*hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And
it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry
for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job
that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or
tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future
around saying "Do you want fries with that?"
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: Lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half- low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass*hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And
it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry
for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job
that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or
tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future
around saying "Do you want fries with that?"
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost .. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep ---- now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew! ", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! nonsense and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost .. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep ---- now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew! ", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! nonsense and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.
-
beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese"Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese" Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." .
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese"Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese" Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." .
Those of you who ever served in Japan or had liberty there will love this...
Subject: Technology secret revealed
The Japanese have finally revealed a mystery for you.
How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when we move the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works? Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.
Go to the link below and you will find out. The image may take a minute or two to download and when it appears, slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works. (The circle is so light it's hard to see so when it downloads just start moving your mouse over the middle of the page)
http://www.1-click.jp/
Subject: Technology secret revealed
The Japanese have finally revealed a mystery for you.
How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when we move the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works? Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.
Go to the link below and you will find out. The image may take a minute or two to download and when it appears, slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works. (The circle is so light it's hard to see so when it downloads just start moving your mouse over the middle of the page)
http://www.1-click.jp/
block emoticons?? well, not too surprising since they block cigarette smoking and booze sipping on tv. but there's always 
-
beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
>> MALE SENSITIVITY TEST
>>
>>
>>
>> 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
>> A. Lovemaking.
>> B. Screwing.
>> C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
>>
>>
>>
>> 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
>> both shared:
>> A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
>> B. Your blood-test results.
>> C. Five tequila slammers.
>>
>>
>>
>> 3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
>> A. Your partner climaxes first.
>> B. You both climax simultaneously.
>> C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
>>
>>
>>
>> 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
>> A. Healthy, creative love-play.
>> B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
>> C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out
>> about.
>>
>>
>>
>> 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
>> is:
>> A. The very best part of the experience.
>> B. The second best part of the experience.
>> C. $100 extra.
>>
>>
>>
>> 6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
>> You tell her that it is:
>> A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings
>> for her.
>> B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
>> C. A very conservative estimate.
>>
>>
>>
>> 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
>> A. An important model to strive for
>> B. A myth or an oxymoron.
>> C. A moron.
>>
>>
>>
>> 8. Foreplay is to sex as:
>> A. An appetizer is to entree.
>> B. Primer is to paint.
>> C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
>>
>>
>>
>> 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
>> the end of a relationship?
>> A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still
>> be friends."
>> B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
>> C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."
>>
>>
>>
>> 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
>> A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle
>> encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
>> B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
>> C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
>>
>>
>>
>> Evaluating Results:
>>
>> * If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be
>> sure you ARE a man.
>>
>> * If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.
>>
>> * If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN !
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
>> A. Lovemaking.
>> B. Screwing.
>> C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
>>
>>
>>
>> 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
>> both shared:
>> A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
>> B. Your blood-test results.
>> C. Five tequila slammers.
>>
>>
>>
>> 3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
>> A. Your partner climaxes first.
>> B. You both climax simultaneously.
>> C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
>>
>>
>>
>> 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
>> A. Healthy, creative love-play.
>> B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
>> C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out
>> about.
>>
>>
>>
>> 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
>> is:
>> A. The very best part of the experience.
>> B. The second best part of the experience.
>> C. $100 extra.
>>
>>
>>
>> 6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
>> You tell her that it is:
>> A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings
>> for her.
>> B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
>> C. A very conservative estimate.
>>
>>
>>
>> 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
>> A. An important model to strive for
>> B. A myth or an oxymoron.
>> C. A moron.
>>
>>
>>
>> 8. Foreplay is to sex as:
>> A. An appetizer is to entree.
>> B. Primer is to paint.
>> C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
>>
>>
>>
>> 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
>> the end of a relationship?
>> A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still
>> be friends."
>> B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
>> C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."
>>
>>
>>
>> 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
>> A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle
>> encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
>> B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
>> C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
>>
>>
>>
>> Evaluating Results:
>>
>> * If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be
>> sure you ARE a man.
>>
>> * If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.
>>
>> * If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN !
>>
> A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
> English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
>
> "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
>
> "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
>
> A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
>
>
> Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
> male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
> "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
>
> Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
>
>
> The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
> feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
> 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
>
> 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
> inc ompre hensible to everyone else;
>
> 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
> later retrieval; and
>
> 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
> half your paycheck on accessories for it.
>
> (THIS GETS BETTER!)
>
> The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
> el computador"), because:
>
>
> 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
>
> 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
>
> 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
> ARE the problem; and
>
> 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
> little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
>
>
> The women won.
>
> Send this to all the smart women y ou k now...and all the men that have a
> good sense of humor