A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games

[thethailife]

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been
no sex in this family for 200 years!
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."

[BangkokButcher]

Not everyone will get this one (although I'm sure the Brits on the board will ) no offence to any from the NE of England by the way, all in jest , and yes, I know it's an oldie, but found it again today and it gave me another little chuckle

[BangkokButcher]

How you got home this weekend....

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter

[JimboPSM]

Some 'feminist humour' I got some time back from a BBC Newsnight e-mail.

1. Feminist email to her Tech Support:

"Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?"

Her Helpdesk replied as follows: "First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 which is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly wave files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

"In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9."


2. Description of the difference between men and women.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
As for children, a woman knows all about their dental appointments, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[JimboPSM]

In response to 'feminist humour' BBC Newsnight received following:

"Eighteen months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fianc้e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself."

[Paul]

Bangkok Butcher:

There is one other type of beer scooter not mentioned in your post. (mine!)

It was most definitely in eveidence last saturday at the Forumites meeting and was resposnsible for one or two members getting home albeit pretty darn wet ! But at least all dogs were accounted for this time

[BangkokButcher]

This made me laugh, tonight I was looking at some mobiles on ebay and came accross this one:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll? ... 6410585172

Some chance he's got of getting a decent price after giving it the slating from hell...

Motorola MPx200
I went and did it again, I got another Motorola from Orange.

"Why aye man, it's much betta than the last one, these are reeealy good and don't suck at all, honest!"

Old numpty here fell for it, so let me tell you a little about the phone....
It's the suckiest phone I have ever had. It sucks so much it should have been a vacuum cleaner.
With it's USB interface and docking cradle it's possible to use this phone to crash any Operating System.
So advanced is this horrible device it can even curse Windows XP with the dreaded B.S.O.D.
One thing I did like about Motorolas was the voice recognition dialing.
They decided not to include it on this model.
Or a charger lead for a car ciggarette lighter socket.
Or a belt clip.
Another thing I liked about the previous model was the FM radio... it actually worked quite well.
They've got rid of that too. Still, I could listen to some MP3s instead.... if there was enough room to store any on this rather nasty little device.

But on the plus side, thanks to it's IR port you can now beam a telephone number to another phone or computer with an IR port in about 10 times the time it would take you to simply type it in (with your nose).
The MPx200 boasts the Windows OS, although I think "boasts" is a poor choice of word.
I can only assume that it's the fully blown version of Microsofts fattest, bloatiest Windows release to date...

"Hello Moto..... Hello?..... Moto?..... Hello?..... Oh I give up!" The CPU on the phone is powerful enough to show you your only received text message in about 15 to 20 seconds.
That doesn't sound like a long time does it? Wait 20 seconds before you read on. .
.
.
.
.
20 Seconds is just too long to wait. Any old Nokia will show you the message in about 20 miliseconds.

The memory on the phone is expandable via a new SD or MMC memory card. This is handy as the unit does not come with enough built in memory to store a phone number and a wallpaper image.

But don't let me put you off, it has some really good features like "Airplane Mode".
Using Airplane Mode you can disable the phones ability to receive or make calls, texts or email whilest leaving the phone on so that you can look at the screens crappy walpaper and get hassled by the air stewardess for not turning your phone off. The added advantage of this mode is that, when you arrive at JFK, your battery is flat.
Sat in the taxi, you really need to make some calls to let your business associates know that you've landed, but wait! No charger lead!
Whilst you're sat there in incomunicado, you can reminisce about the bad old days where you would merely turn your phone off.
The best is yet to come...
How do you turn airplane mode off? I couldn't find out from the manual and had to trawl the net. I found the answer in a forum whereby some chap with a similar phone was obviously as irate as I.
Apparently you have to hold the power button down for more than one and a half seconds but for less than two seconds as the latter turns the phone off.
Which sick, criminally insane, Motorola B*STARD dreamed that up!?
"Oh, I've turned it off again, damn!" Now another wait for about five minutes while this chunky phone boots up. "Hello Moto" it declares in a cheesy voice, yes hello again. Glad you could make it.
Let's try again. No, not long enough. "yeah I'll be with you in a minute.". Not long enough again, oh sh*t, it's turned off again! "Yeah, make that five minutes" "Hello Moto"
Pulling the battery doesn't work.
Neither does pulling the sim card
Twenty five minutes of this lunacy was what caused the crack in the outer screen. I threw it accross the room in disgust.
The threat "If you don't come out of Airplane Mode right now, I'm going to kill you!" was the only thing that worked.
Perhaps the speech recognition part of this phone has not been completely removed.

What else can I say about it?

* The earpeice is a bit intermittant so you don't know if you've connected or not, very annoying.
* Sometimes it blasts your lughole with your million decibel ringtone while your on the phone. OW!
* Using the menu to read your texts is like pulling teeth.
* The screen is crap.
* The keys bounce (when you press a key, sometimes it enters it twice so it knackers up your word).
* It doesn't learn words.
* When you open it it makes a horrible "clack" sound.
* When you close it it makes a horrible "clack" sound.
* It connects to the internet for an hour while it's closed and turned off in the swimming pool locker.. according to Orange.
* Closing it doesn't disable the keys. Really! Yes, I know!

Even the Orange tarif is crap. 30 quid a month for 60 minutes calls. That's a good night out, but not the phones' fault
No need to ask yourself "Have I got my phone" while patting your pockets. You know you've got it, because the bloody great brick is pulling your trousers down!


In summary:

* I hate it.
* I detest every atom of it's existence.
* It's creator should be tied down and eaten by ants.
* The factory that makes them should be melted by a big laser from space.
* It doesn't have a camera
* It barely functions as a phone


Do you want it? Bid Now!

You have a choice, you can bid for the phone or you can bid for a homemade DVD of it's slow demise.
I plan to use a vice, a drill, possibly an angle grinder, some flamable liquids, a blowtorch and finally a sledghammer.
I may even do the ultimate nasty and tell my wife it spent some money on some new computer bits.

Just let me know your choice, I strongly recommend the latter.
I know what your thinking, you're thinking "I could download something like that off the net".
Trust me, in my video, you'll be able to f-e-e-l the hatred, it'll be worth it.

Please allow a few days for me to produce the video.

The phone must die.

[JimboPSM]

Came across this health (or should it be wealth) warning on nearlygood.com

[Loaded]

“Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?”
“My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be.”

“Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he’d get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynaecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I’m marrying a lawyer and I’m sure I’m going to get screwed.”

[thethailife]

Dear Tide Company,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

[Paul]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to
get married.

My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of
her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asks me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"



The moral of this story is.....
Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Paul]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want
and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be
on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules.

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ........
whether you're here or not."

[Paul]

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "


"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads:


"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

[Paul]

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either, and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make
amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"



"Getting a second opinion!"

[Paul]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is
so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections


One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six"


His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

[Paul]

The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the House."
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "from now on, I want you to know that I
am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'



His wife replied, "the funeral director?"

[Paul]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and Lose), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[farang]

What's Hairy On The Outside, Wet On The Inside, Begins With A 'C' And Ends In 'T'
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A Coconut.....

well thought it was funny!!!

[farang]

Have you heard about the bloke who put his condom on backwards and Went!!!

[Paul]

What's Hairy On The Outside, Wet On The Inside, Begins With A 'C' And Ends In 'T'



A Coconut.....

Ah well try anything once !