Consolidated Joke Thread

[vidmaster]

ahhhh

[Brian Davis]

Last post reminded me of this image

store.jpg (10.52 KiB) Viewed 2848 times

[AlexO]

Im just back from Tesco’s I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.
The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”
Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Well, i was really impressed, so i went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
“Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.

[vidmaster]

Happy memories

[Chuchi]

[Chuchi]

[stattointhailand]

Whoops that's buggered the 20% of exports not already knackered by Brexit

[Barney]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[jackspratt]

White, English male Christian logic - all Muslims think the same.

(See what I did there?).

[vidmaster]

Of course

[vidmaster]

Sorted

[stattointhailand]

Sports Direct Liverpool Branch now have a "bridal section" where the locals can buy their wedding tracksuits

[vidmaster]

Oooops

[AlexO]

White, English male Christian logic - all Muslims think the same.

(See what I did there?).

Yes
Just proved your hatred for anything British. As usual you missed the point completely. Was not about Muslims the joke was about Oh So politically correct Woke believers who think everything bad is Tory.

[AlexO]

Life in Hell
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, and escalators; and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"
Satan says, “Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"
God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"
Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a Lawyer?

[jackspratt]

White, English male Christian logic - all Muslims think the same.

(See what I did there?).

Yes
Just proved your hatred for anything British. As usual you missed the point completely. Was not about Muslims the joke was about Oh So politically correct Woke believers who think everything bad is Tory.

Late to the party again, Alex.

My response was to a "joke" from vidmaster which has subsequently been deleted.

https://webcache.googleusercontent.com/ ... irefox-b-d

Don't worry about the apology.

[Chuchi]

[AlexO]

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms but kept the same tag-line:
Sainsbury Condoms - Making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - Every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good
Minstrels Condoms - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load
Abbey National Condoms - Because life is complicated enough
Coca Cola Condoms - The real thing
Ever Ready Condoms - Keep going and going
Pringles Condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop
BK Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - For a longer ride go wide
Muller Light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain?
Halfords Condoms - We go the extra mile
Royal Mail Condoms - I saw this and thought of you
Andrex Condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault Condoms - Size really does matter!
Ronseal Condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin
Domestos Condoms - Gets right under the rim!!!
Heineken Condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg Condoms - Probably the best condom in the world
AA Condoms - The 4th emergency service
Pepperami Condoms - It’s a bit of a animal
Polo Condoms - The condom with the hole
McDonalds Condoms - I’m lovin' it
Can you think of any more????

[Mjkt]

My Grandad often recalls ‘fighting them on the beaches...’

Lovely man, terrible deckchair attendant.

[stattointhailand]

Blightys routemap out of Covid