Consolidated Joke Thread

[pipadoo]

Ok

[pipadoo]

Oh

[pipadoo]

Smile time

[stattointhailand]

A man broke into Battersea Dogs home last night and released all the dogs ........

Police are desperately searching for leads

A Northern town has gone missing this morning

Police are searching for Leeds

[pipadoo]

Yep🥸🥸🥸🥸🥸

[tinpeeba]

Last night my wife told me "You need to do more chores around the house."

I said "Can we change the subject?"

Wife said "Okay, more chores around the house need to be done by you."

[pipadoo]

Sorted

[AlexO]

Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble....
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly...

'com-for-da-bul.'

[pipadoo]

Precisely 🥸🥸🥸🥸🥸

[AlexO]

A young fella with his pants hanging half off his arse, no front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local unemployment office to pick up his benefit money.
He strolled up to the counter and said:
"Hi there, you know what... I really HATE claiming benefits, I'd really much rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system and getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said:
"Wow, your timing is excellent. We've just received a job opening from a very wealthy elderly man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his brand new Mercedes-Benz CL, he'll supply all of your clothes and because of the unsocial hours, meals will be provided free of charge, you'll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips, but you will also have as part of your job, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sexual appetite."
The guy, jaw dropping and wide-eyed said:
"You're bull-shittin' me !"
The social worker said:
"Yeah, well . . . You started it . . .“

[pipadoo]

Cracker

[AlexO]

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square:
The first Catholic man tells his friends. "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."
The second Catholic man chirps. "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace."
The third Catholic gent says. "My son is a Cardinal When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly. "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle. "Well....?"
She proudly replies, I have a daughter,

SLIM & TALL

40 DD Breasts

24" WAIST and

34" HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say, "JESUS"

[Drunk Monkey]

Made me chuckle ... Sunderland finest





DM

[AlexO]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos,
her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Nicholas.
"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that's on my desk"
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.

'Old one but still funny.'

[pipadoo]

Yep !!!!

[AlexO]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded:
'I found the remote.'...

[pipadoo]

Hmmmm

[vidmaster]

Yeeee

[stattointhailand]

With THREE people it's a "THREESOME"
With TWO people it's a "TWOSOME"

Just remember that when your walking down Soi Sampan and here "Hello Handsome"

[pipadoo]

Wow!!!!!