Consolidated Joke Thread

[trekkertony]

I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria."
"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."

[Fuzzy Ken]

Did you know that Karl Marx had a sister named Onya
She invented the starting pistol.

[pipadoo]

Well well

[jackspratt]

^ Most right thinking people don't find domestic violence a joke any more.

[Drunk Monkey]

As i tend to hovver in the middle ground between hard Right n wokey Left i afforded myself a slight snigger at the domestic violence joke ..

DM

[AlexO]

A 14-yr-old boy comes home from school, with a massive grin on his face. His dad asks, “What’re you so pleased about?” The boy replies, “I just had sex with my hot young teacher!” His dad, thrilled at his teen son’s sexual conquest, says to him, “I’m dead proud of you, son! How about we go out and buy you that sports bike you’ve been after?” His son replies,
Nah, that’s alright dad – my arse is still a bit sore.

[AlexO]

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…


Mostly for UK Labour or Great Grandpa Joe in the States.

[Drunk Monkey]

Not so much a joke but an actual real life happening ... fella just drove in the car park to visit the factory outlet shop outside my office ..he was driving a white pick up truck and had at some point decided to add stickers / wording along the side as many seem to like to do .. this would be quite normal alas whether his surname or other i maybe would have chosen against the idea..as it read

S U P A T W A T

DM

[stattointhailand]

That's funny, I'm surprised there isn't a thread by a certain mapite saying it's been stolen

[Niggly]

At great risk of staying off topic, I drive past a house build most days & there’s a Chevrolet truck outside with huge diagonal stickers emblazoned up the sides which say SHEVY

[stattointhailand]

Wow........ talking trucks .......can ya get me some of those mushrooms

[jackspratt]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Sheik had to undergo a further corrective surgical procedure. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood once again.

After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him, "I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"

To this the Arab replied, "Aye Laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins."

(Eagled eyed readers will remember Socksy posted this way back in 2014, but it has just been sent to me, and worthy of a repeat.)

[pipadoo]

Hmmmm

[pipadoo]

Definitely

[pipadoo]

Yep

[vidmaster]

Some for pipadoo

[pipadoo]

Neat pack

[stattointhailand]

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[vidmaster]

I’ve heard on the grapevine that the FA are banning the Mexican Wave at all Euro 20 games.
If true I bet all supporters will be up in BBC arms about it🥸🥸🥸🥸🥸🥸🥸🥸🥸🥸🥸

[pipadoo]

BLM cop some of this