Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
All men like to think they're marrying a nymphomaniac.....
But after a few years, the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.
But after a few years, the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
I ate a kids meal at McDonalds yesterday
His parents were furious
His parents were furious
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Barney
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
...
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said..."Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His eye is still swollen...but it will get better...
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
...
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said..."Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His eye is still swollen...but it will get better...
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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate. 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,' he replies.
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Campbeltown sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' And a Campbeltown sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Campbeltown sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' And a Campbeltown sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'
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Drunk Monkey
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Great posts Barney n Statto ... its Jock bashing season 
..its great that we all know the Scots are well known for their sense of humour and being able to not only give but take a ribbing also.
..its great that we all know the Scots are well known for their sense of humour and being able to not only give but take a ribbing also.Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!
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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A Scotland fan recorded his thoughts during every game:- From Buzz feed
1. Well, here we go again. Wonder how badly we'll be beaten this time?
2. No, stop that. Be positive. This could finally be our year.
3. Two minutes 'til kick off and a guy in the Tartan Army is already topless. But where's his chest hair? One of life's great mysteries.
4. Ah, good old pre-match music. "500 Miles" should really be Scotland's national anthem.
5. It starts... and our centre-back immediately gets a yellow card. Amazing.
6. Our goalkeeper is time wasting already. 0–0 is clearly in the sights. Aim high, lads, aim high.
7. Should I appreciate that rather decent pass dished out by a player I really dislike from my rival club team? No.
8. OK, the opposition's pressure is building. Beer on intravenous drip, please.
9. And there it goes. We're one behind after just 15 minutes.
10. Wee Jimmy from accounts just won the office sweepstake.
11. So annoyed. All that preparation and optimism has gone out of the window just like that.
12. Meh, oh well. There's no harm in losing to a better team.
13. I wonder what pub we're going to after the game?
14. Whoa! We've won a corner. That's, like, almost a penalty.
15. Our braveheart defenders are coming up for it. Gallantly striding into the battle zone like William Wallace.
16. That was actually a nice cross… must be the wind.
17. Ooftt! Our defender scored! Ya dancer. That was totally the best goal ever.
18. OK, it was a scuffed header that flicked off a shoulder before being deflected in. But it was the best scuffed header.
19. Topless guy in the crowd is going wild. What a hero. We are topless guy. I am topless guy.
20. We can totally do this.
21. Wait, England are losing in their game? This is the best day ever.
22. A mis-hit strike off the crossbar! So close to taking the lead. Scotland, you really are beautiful today.
23. I've never wanted to buy a tartan kilt so much in my life.
24. Come on, goalie: Timewaste, timewaste!
25. Uh oh. Here's the dreaded comedown. The opposition are picking up again.
26. There's a bad feeling in my belly. Maybe it's just my digestive system fighting with the salad* I had for lunch.
27. *Chips and gravy.
28. This is like the opening game of France '98 all over again. Oh, the glory days.
29. We've somehow made it to half-time and we're not losing. Phew. This feels like getting into the Garage in Glasgow when you're 16. Yas!
30. What the hell is Amy Macdonald doing singing on the pitch?
31. Does she ever go away?
32. Okay, here we go again. Come on, Scotland, let's go tiki-taka on these guys.
33. Half of the team's on yellow cards.
34. And now one has received a free upgrade to a red. Dang.
35. The goalie's doing well under pressure. If only he had Jim Leighton's eyebrow Vaseline, though, then he'd be a world-beater.
36. Half an hour into the second half, and we've not even had a shot on goal yet.
37. This must be what it feels like to be Scotrail's timetabling boss: always missing targets.
38. Last 10 minutes. Sweaty palms.
39. Or is it just beer-tears weeping out of my system from last night?
40. Come on, boys. We're minutes away from a famous, tell-your-grandkids 1–1 draw.
41. Oh crap. The other team just scored.
42. Linesman, you neep! That was most definitely offside, I think. Maybe. Was it?
43. If you're not going to go to Specsavers, at least go to bloody Vision Express or something.
44. Oh wait, his flag is staying down. This is real. This is happening. This is nonsense.
45. I wonder what pub we're going to after the game?
46. They've all but snatched victory at the last minute. Just like when my brother thieved the last multi-pack can of Irn-Bru that I had been eyeing up all day.
47. Bru? Who cares about that now anyway. This disappointment calls for a whisky or four. Pub?
48. Come on, there's two minutes of added-on time. Let's just go for it! There's still hope. Not much, admittedly, but…
49. Wait! We've got a free kick near the box!
50. Aaaand it's ended up in row Z. Even ruddy Alex Salmond after a day on the sauce in the House of Commons bar could have hit that on target.
51. Well, there we go. Full-time whistle. Glorious failure yet again. So near, yet so far.
52. But hey, they tried their best and that's all that matters. Maybe they'll win next time?
53. Ach, probably not.
54. I'm off to the pub.
1. Well, here we go again. Wonder how badly we'll be beaten this time?
2. No, stop that. Be positive. This could finally be our year.
3. Two minutes 'til kick off and a guy in the Tartan Army is already topless. But where's his chest hair? One of life's great mysteries.
4. Ah, good old pre-match music. "500 Miles" should really be Scotland's national anthem.
5. It starts... and our centre-back immediately gets a yellow card. Amazing.
6. Our goalkeeper is time wasting already. 0–0 is clearly in the sights. Aim high, lads, aim high.
7. Should I appreciate that rather decent pass dished out by a player I really dislike from my rival club team? No.
8. OK, the opposition's pressure is building. Beer on intravenous drip, please.
9. And there it goes. We're one behind after just 15 minutes.
10. Wee Jimmy from accounts just won the office sweepstake.
11. So annoyed. All that preparation and optimism has gone out of the window just like that.
12. Meh, oh well. There's no harm in losing to a better team.
13. I wonder what pub we're going to after the game?
14. Whoa! We've won a corner. That's, like, almost a penalty.
15. Our braveheart defenders are coming up for it. Gallantly striding into the battle zone like William Wallace.
16. That was actually a nice cross… must be the wind.
17. Ooftt! Our defender scored! Ya dancer. That was totally the best goal ever.
18. OK, it was a scuffed header that flicked off a shoulder before being deflected in. But it was the best scuffed header.
19. Topless guy in the crowd is going wild. What a hero. We are topless guy. I am topless guy.
20. We can totally do this.
21. Wait, England are losing in their game? This is the best day ever.
22. A mis-hit strike off the crossbar! So close to taking the lead. Scotland, you really are beautiful today.
23. I've never wanted to buy a tartan kilt so much in my life.
24. Come on, goalie: Timewaste, timewaste!
25. Uh oh. Here's the dreaded comedown. The opposition are picking up again.
26. There's a bad feeling in my belly. Maybe it's just my digestive system fighting with the salad* I had for lunch.
27. *Chips and gravy.
28. This is like the opening game of France '98 all over again. Oh, the glory days.
29. We've somehow made it to half-time and we're not losing. Phew. This feels like getting into the Garage in Glasgow when you're 16. Yas!
30. What the hell is Amy Macdonald doing singing on the pitch?
31. Does she ever go away?
32. Okay, here we go again. Come on, Scotland, let's go tiki-taka on these guys.
33. Half of the team's on yellow cards.
34. And now one has received a free upgrade to a red. Dang.
35. The goalie's doing well under pressure. If only he had Jim Leighton's eyebrow Vaseline, though, then he'd be a world-beater.
36. Half an hour into the second half, and we've not even had a shot on goal yet.
37. This must be what it feels like to be Scotrail's timetabling boss: always missing targets.
38. Last 10 minutes. Sweaty palms.
39. Or is it just beer-tears weeping out of my system from last night?
40. Come on, boys. We're minutes away from a famous, tell-your-grandkids 1–1 draw.
41. Oh crap. The other team just scored.
42. Linesman, you neep! That was most definitely offside, I think. Maybe. Was it?
43. If you're not going to go to Specsavers, at least go to bloody Vision Express or something.
44. Oh wait, his flag is staying down. This is real. This is happening. This is nonsense.
45. I wonder what pub we're going to after the game?
46. They've all but snatched victory at the last minute. Just like when my brother thieved the last multi-pack can of Irn-Bru that I had been eyeing up all day.
47. Bru? Who cares about that now anyway. This disappointment calls for a whisky or four. Pub?
48. Come on, there's two minutes of added-on time. Let's just go for it! There's still hope. Not much, admittedly, but…
49. Wait! We've got a free kick near the box!
50. Aaaand it's ended up in row Z. Even ruddy Alex Salmond after a day on the sauce in the House of Commons bar could have hit that on target.
51. Well, there we go. Full-time whistle. Glorious failure yet again. So near, yet so far.
52. But hey, they tried their best and that's all that matters. Maybe they'll win next time?
53. Ach, probably not.
54. I'm off to the pub.
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Stantheman
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- Posts: 1527
- Joined: February 9, 2009, 3:33 am
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She had seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"... Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"... The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"...
She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord"....
The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager".....!!!
She had seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"... Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"... The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"...
She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord"....
The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager".....!!!