Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

..............

[Earnest]

This one might work well in the school playground, Alan but I'll wager the members here need something a little sophisticated. Do you have anything new in your gag book that could make me chuckle?

[747man]

[stattointhailand]

FB0KzHWXIAQVLPP.jpg

I'd set mine for Sep 1963 then kick Stanley Johnson so hard in the nuts that he wouldnt be able to have sex for a month

[Mjkt]

[747man]

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Solskjaer:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Manager of Manchester United”.
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Solskjaer: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Solskjaer but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Solskjaer,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer?”

[747man]

I couldn't find that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots.
So I asked the Kids if they had seen it?
Apparently she left me yesterday.

[747man]

Women claim childbirth is the worst pain ever and much worse than a kick in the bollocks.
So how comes about a year after childbirth women say I would really like another baby
Yet I have never in all my life heard a man say,I would really like another kick in the bollocks

Just Like saying I'm Very HAPPY I DON'T Support Scunthorpe......

[747man]

[747man]

[Earnest]

Crikey, Alan, you're a one man comedy show, does anyone else post funnies on this thread?

I like the black cocks one, BTW, it made me chortle.

[747man]

Crikey, Alan, you're a one man comedy show, does anyone else post funnies on this thread?

I like the black cocks one, BTW, it made me chortle.

Well Certain People TRY to Emulate Me But they FAIL Miserably Steve !!

[747man]

[747man]

[Earnest]

Oh, I'm not sure about that, Alan.

[stattointhailand]

That joke got shortened just after they invented christmas crackers

[Earnest]

Alan's Nong Khai interweb dial up must be on the blink again. I answered his post about emulation then two cartoons get inserted between, how queer.

[Mjkt]

[Drunk Monkey]

[747man]

So Come On you 2 Clever Dicks DM & Earnest......Lets Have Yer Answers !!

My mate has just said something that’s blown my mind. Please help me answer it. He said how many days in a week and I said 7. He said how many weeks in a year? I said 52. He said what’s 7 x 52. I said 364. He then said. Why is there 365 days in a year. And I can’t answer him!!?