Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by **jingjai** » July 22, 2007, 1:24 pm

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, Underwood MN.
"Really" she said. "I have family in Battle Lake."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Post by **farang** » July 23, 2007, 10:51 am

Dad's Army - The Bullet is not for Firing

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dmtw

It Ain't Half Hot Mum - Don't Take The Micky

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dmtw

Post by **beer monkey** » July 25, 2007, 8:42 pm

Q: What's hard as steel and has lots of seamen .?

A: A submarine.

Post by **farang** » July 26, 2007, 1:23 am

Post by **wazza** » July 26, 2007, 5:35 pm

If Farangs Location is KFC, then imagine what the check out chick will ask him. Do u want Legs or Breasts and will that be hot n spicy ?

Post by **Astana** » July 27, 2007, 11:36 am

Subject: EUROPEANS HEIGHTEN THREAT LEVELS

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" level warning was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" or "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the British and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and " Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

And of course, the Americans are permanently at DEFCON 3 or is it ICECREAM 7 and ready, willing and able to nuke your arse as the opportunity arises.

Post by **wazza** » July 27, 2007, 10:22 pm

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen so, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker, and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

Post by **Seaserpent** » July 28, 2007, 7:13 am

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel
> better, even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with
> A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it
> manifests:
>
> I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
> I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward
> the garage, I notice mail on the hall table that I brought up from the
> mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the
> car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin
> under the table, and notice the bin is full. So, I decide to put the
> bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first. But then I
> think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the
> rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check
> book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My
> extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my
> desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look
> for my checks but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't
> accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to
> put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the
> kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my
> eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my
> reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I
> better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the
> flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
> with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the
> kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be
> looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen
> table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first
> I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a
> bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table,
> get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall
> trying to remember what I was planning to do.
>
> At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid,
> there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't
> have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't
> find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I
> did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got
> done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and
> I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to
> get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
>
> Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I
> don't remember who I've sent it to.
>
> Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
>
>

Post by **UdonExpat** » July 28, 2007, 10:14 am

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

Post by **jingjai** » July 29, 2007, 5:52 pm

A mother stopped by unannounced at her son's house She knocked on
the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to
no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. Wh en she got home, she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, and dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD,
laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her
husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the shot.

Post by **UdonExpat** » July 30, 2007, 10:10 am

Mulla Nasrudin thought he was going to die with a toothache. He asked his friend, "What can I do to relieve the pain?" "I will tell you what I do," his friend said. "When I have a toothache, or a pain, I go over to my wife, and she puts her arms around me, and caresses me, and soothes me until finally I forget all about the pain." Nasrudin brightened up and said: "GEE, THAT'S WONDERFUL! IS SHE HOME NOW?"

Post by **Seaserpent** » July 30, 2007, 4:10 pm

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Post by **Hages** » August 1, 2007, 3:52 pm

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was on heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham,
a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species.
So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have
sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully.
The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don"t want to have to kuss er ."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they
asked what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another wik to come up with
the $500 bro.

Post by **Hages** » August 2, 2007, 6:08 am

Nine words women use...

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

Post by **Pakawala** » August 2, 2007, 7:19 am

Carlos, a 'young' Filipino tourist on his first visit to London, located the
red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be
seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk,
frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He
whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the
gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and
she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams,
"No!" and walks
away quickly.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so
outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that
only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks A bit tired, but she
has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her.
So the madam sends her over to Carlos. They sit and talk, frolic a little,
giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and
she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can, and literally runs
away too!

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her
years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a
long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's
sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man
could possibly
ask for.

The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this man wants that
has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off
to her employees how good she was at what they do.

So she goes over to Carlos and says that she's the best in the house and she,
herself, is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit,giggle a
bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And then Carlos leans forward and
whispers in her ear, ............................

Scroll down

"Can I pay in Philippine Pesos?"

Post by **Seaserpent** » August 3, 2007, 11:07 am

> A man was lying on a blanket at the beach.
> He had no arms or legs.
> Three women were walking past and felt sorry
for the poor man.
> The first woman said " Have you ever had
a hug"
> The man said "No", so she gave him
a hug and walked on.
> The second woman said "Have you ever had
a kiss".
> The man said "No", so she gave him
a kiss and walked on.
> The third woman walked over to him, knelt down
and whispered in
>
his ear,
> Have you ever been F****d?
> The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"
> The woman smiled and said ....
> "You will be when the tide comes in."
>

Post by **UdonExpat** » August 6, 2007, 9:27 am

My Next Life

I want to live my next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out of the home for being too healthy.
You spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
Then when you start work and get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school; you play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in a luxury spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally...........You finish off as an orgasm!

Post by **The Big C** » August 7, 2007, 6:56 am

John is stranded in the dessert, he has walked for 3 days without water, when he sees a man.

JOHN; please some water? I've got money.
MAN; sorry, don't have water, I have beautifull neckties for sale.

John walks further for 3 hours, and sees an other man.

JOHN; PLEASE MISTER gimme some water, I've got a lot of money.
MAN; Sorry sir, no water. I've got nice neckties for you, silk, cotton, anything you want.

John is getting grazy from thirst, and strubbles on into the dessert, after a couple of hours he sees a small BAR in the middle of the dessert. With his last strenght he reaches the bar, and just before he wants to go in, the doorman stops him.

DOORMAN; SORRY MATE, NO ENTRANCE WITHOUT A NECKTIE.

Post by **The Big C** » August 7, 2007, 7:42 am

A man comes home all excited; Honey pack your bags! I've won the lottery!
Wife; that's great, what should I pack, summer or winter clothes?
Man; I don't give a damn, as long as you leave!

Post by **The Big C** » August 7, 2007, 8:01 am

A man goes camping in the woods, at night he has to takes a dump, so he does, when he hears a sound, and sees a bear, he takes out his pistol and shoots at the bear. HE WALKS OVER TO THE BEAR TO SEE IF HE'S DEAD. the bear jumps up and takes him brutal from behind in the ass.

The next day the man buys a big riffle, because he wants to kill this bear now for sure, he spots the bear and shoots a couple of times, again HE WALKS OVER TO THE BEAR TO SEE IF HE'S DEAD, and again the bear takes him in the ass.

Now the man is really pissed off, goes back to the gunshop and buys a bazooka.
he goes back into the woods and sees the bear again, fires his bazooka at the bear...the smoke clears, he goes looking for the bear....when suddenly the bear tapps him on the shoulder.
BEAR; Hey mate, tell me the trues.....you don't come here for the hunting, huh???

Consolidated Joke Thread

bikie jokes