Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

Have you nicked a Mick Miller joke or is that from your gag book, Alan?

Nowt Wrong with that Steve, It quite Ticked Me in fact...

[747man]

More like Glen Miller........ leaves you "In the mood" to dive in front of the "Chattanooga choo choo"

You are staying up LATE These Nights Ain't Yer ??

[stattointhailand]

If you don't keep up the payments to your exorcist

There is a danger your house may become repossessed

[747man]

I was standing in a
Queue behind a very
Fat woman with a
Huge arse , when her
Phone starts to bleep.
a little boy behind her
Says, “f*ck me, she’s
Reversing !

[Earnest]

[tamada]

The Most Sarcastic Comedian Of All Time. Bob Zany - Full Special

[stattointhailand]

Watched a Jasper Carrot special on You tube from Birmingham filmed sometime in 80s I think. Brilliant bit of fun, especially the footie Birmingham/WestBrom/Coventry comments and jokes about his cordless phone getting lost coz there was no wire connecting it to the wall.

[stattointhailand]

What's the Number 1 cause of dry skin ?












Towels

[stattointhailand]

Speaking of which .... wheres the best place for a grammar geek loving w a n k e r to live?

N E W A R K

[tamada]

Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "God said, "Ah, yes. " "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end, especially the headlights.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are undersprung and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."

[maxeboy]

oh my god

[deankham]

One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a scouser all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share.

The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he’d sleep in the barn.

The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a pig in that barn and because I’m Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.” “No problem,” said the Hindu. “I’ll sleep out there instead.”

So off he went to the barn, leaving the scouser and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a cow in that barn and because I’m a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

The scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.

The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig.

[747man]

BREAKING: Afghanistan Earthquake: TALIBAN requesting urgent assistance, BORIS offered to send 30,000 Afghans back to assist

[747man]

One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a scouser all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share.

The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he’d sleep in the barn.

The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a pig in that barn and because I’m Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.” “No problem,” said the Hindu. “I’ll sleep out there instead.”

So off he went to the barn, leaving the scouser and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a cow in that barn and because I’m a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

The scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.

The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig.

YOU Are a VERY BAD Man !!!

[tamada]

A Cardigan Is The Perfect Police Repellent. Mike Goodwin - Full Special

[tamada]

It's a very cold evening in Glasgow.
Tam says to his missus "I'm off down to the pub. You'd best get your coat."
She's flabbergasted and says "After all these years are you finally taking me with you to the pub?"
"No", says Tam "I'm turning off the central heating while I'm out".

[Whistler]

Jock walks into Angus's house only to see him with a scraper removing the wallpaper.

'You redecorating Angus's?

'No Jock, I'm moving'

[747man]

I accidentally took the cat's tablets by mistake.

Don't ask meow.

[stattointhailand]

Jock walks into Angus's house only to see him with a scraper removing the wallpaper.

'You redecorating Angus's?

'No Jock, I'm moving'

Sure that was Angus and not Boris?

Wallpapers expensive these days especially when its only for a few months

[Mjkt]