Consolidated Joke Thread

[Wee Jimmy]

Good one.

[747man]

Good one.

It IS Ain't it Jimmy.....

[747man]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the side walk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

[Wee Jimmy]

You must be searching all day for these jokes. Good.though..

[pipadoo]

Hmmmmm

[stattointhailand]

[747man]

Scotland.9m.png

?????????????????????..............Is That a Geordie Joke ?? Don't get that at all !!

[747man]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN.............
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa -- half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe -- well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain -- very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece -- gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel -- has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada -- cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet -- wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
===========================================
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN…
Between 1 and 100, a man is like Iran -- ruled by a couple of nuts.

[Drunk Monkey]

Scotland.9m.png

?????????????????????..............Is That a Geordie Joke ?? Don't get that at all !!

Camorn you windalicka .. did you not go t school to busy shoplifting n robbing old dears in the park ..??.. thick as sh8t ..

DM

[stattointhailand]

Scotland.9m.png

?????????????????????..............Is That a Geordie Joke ?? Don't get that at all !!

Lost yer English/Scouse dictionary?

[747man]

Scotland.9m.png

?????????????????????..............Is That a Geordie Joke ?? Don't get that at all !!

Camorn you windalicka .. did you not go t school to busy shoplifting n robbing old dears in the park ..??.. thick as sh8t ..

DM

Because It Wasn't Funny.....Well Maybe it WOULD Be in SCUNTHORPE Aye ??

[747man]

A biker is cruising the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How Much?"
The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The biker says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the biker is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."
The hooker says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying some new chrome and says, "Sign me up.”
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
Damn!" says the biker in awe. "You own the whole city?"
The hooker says, "No. But I would... If I had a pussy!........NOW That IS Funny.....

[Drunk Monkey]

Scotland.9m.png

?????????????????????..............Is That a Geordie Joke ?? Don't get that at all !!

Camorn you windalicka .. did you not go t school to busy shoplifting n robbing old dears in the park ..??.. thick as sh8t ..

DM

Because It Wasn't Funny.....Well Maybe it WOULD Be in SCUNTHORPE Aye ??

Alan whilst i agree the said "joke" wasnt a side splitter as we are so used to from Stattos book of funnies (post second world war edition) though anyone with a modicum of intelligence would at least get it and have a chortle or a single syllable vocal laugh.. the fact firstly you admit to not getting the joke and them it not being funny backs up my theory.

Now back in the coal bunker with Duncan ...yer gerbil.

DM

[Drunk Monkey]

A biker is cruising the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How Much?"
The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The biker says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the biker is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."
The hooker says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying some new chrome and says, "Sign me up.”
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
Damn!" says the biker in awe. "You own the whole city?"
The hooker says, "No. But I would... If I had a pussy!........NOW That IS Funny.....

Very old but still mildly amusing yes Alan .. but i preferred your previous tale about the baby photographer..that was excellent.

[jackspratt]

I preferred the 2 about Morris and Esther and the helicopter ride.

Although the first time was probably a bit funnier.

[AlexO]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decreed, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympic boxing. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off.

[747man]

A ringer walks into a seedy old cafe in Broken Hill N.S.W.. He sits at the counter and notices an old drover with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of meaty chilli.
After a few minutes of just watching him staring at the chilli, the young ringer bravely asks the old drover.” If you aren’t gonna eat that, do you mind if I do?”.
The old drover slowly turns his head twords the young ringer and in his best drover manner says, “Nah, you go ahead!”.
Eagerly the young ringer reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately throws up the chilli back into the bowl.
The old drover quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got too!”.

[747man]

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have been admitted into hospital & they are keeping me in as its quite serious.
I have only gone and poisoned myself.
Be aware folks!
What I thought was an onion from the garden, turned out to be a daffodil bulb.
They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

[jackspratt]

Given the whole lilac shorts saga, I had presumed you were out some time ago.

[747man]

Given the whole lilac shorts saga, I had presumed you were out some time ago.

Mr Pratt, I'll Treat that with The Contempt it Deserves !!