Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

Man staggers into a Hospital with Concussion,Multiple Bruises, Two Black Eyes and a 5 Iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Doctor asked 'What happened to you?' Well I was playing golf with the wife when we both sliced our balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cows fanny, I yelled to my wife 'this looks like yours and I don't remember much after that...

[Earnest]

They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

This gag's in the classic northern genre of Jimmy Cricket or Frank Carson.

[stattointhailand]

Speaking of Northern jokes

I went into Chriss place last night and said to Chris "do ya deliver?"

No 'e said, but we do pork chicken and Fish

[Drunk Monkey]

They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

This gag's in the classic northern genre of Jimmy Cricket or Frank Carson.

Nowt wrong with Northern humour .. the list of brilliant comics from the North is endless Bernard Manning being my favourite... i wonder how the late great Charlie Williams would go down now ??? his whole as was based on him being black n living in Leeds, Roy Chubby Brown is still packing venues to this day in the North mainly Blackpool which is very much like St Tropez just with semi clothed fat ginger mingers ,donkeys and stag party brawls..

Frank Carson was pretty cra p on TV but live and uncensored was hilarious.

Liverpool also well known for its jokers ... for our sins one moved to Nong Khai and torments us with his scouse humour in his latter Alzhiemic incontinent years.

DM

[Earnest]

Roy Chubby Brown is still packing venues to this day in the North....

Royston Vasey, the best.

[747man]

They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

This gag's in the classic northern genre of Jimmy Cricket or Frank Carson.

Nowt wrong with Northern humour .. the list of brilliant comics from the North is endless Bernard Manning being my favourite... i wonder how the late great Charlie Williams would go down now ??? his whole as was based on him being black n living in Leeds, Roy Chubby Brown is still packing venues to this day in the North mainly Blackpool which is very much like St Tropez just with semi clothed fat ginger mingers ,donkeys and stag party brawls..

Frank Carson was pretty cra p on TV but live and uncensored was hilarious.

Liverpool also well known for its jokers ... for our sins one moved to Nong Khai and torments us with his scouse humour in his latter Alzhiemic incontinent years.

DM

Liverpool also well known for its jokers ... for our sins one moved to Nong Khai and torments us with his scouse humour in his latter Alzhiemic incontinent years........But Just coming from SCUNTHORPE Is the BIGGEST Joke of All !!

[747man]

Hector from Halkirk Had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off the Doctor immediately mentioned the fact that Hector's genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone...
Hector explained that it was a family trait and that they all had genitalia shaped like musical instruments.
The Doctor was amazed and said, “Well, in 27 years as a GP I’ve never seen anything like it, Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her Vagina was shaped like a Mouth Organ”.
Hector said, “That’ll be Our Monica”.......Did Yer Get that one....DM ??.......555 !!

[Drunk Monkey]

Hector from Halkirk Had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off the Doctor immediately mentioned the fact that Hector's genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone...
Hector explained that it was a family trait and that they all had genitalia shaped like musical instruments.
The Doctor was amazed and said, “Well, in 27 years as a GP I’ve never seen anything like it, Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her Vagina was shaped like a Mouth Organ”.
Hector said, “That’ll be Our Monica”.......Did Yer Get that one....DM ??.......555 !!

YES unfortunately .... IT DID MAKE ME GRIN FOR OLD TIMES SAKE ...its been a while since you last posted it .

DM

[Whistler]

A poor guy had a bad dose of syphilis, he went to the doctor for help. The doc wanted a urine sample but found the piss all over the surgery due to holes right along the length of his pens.

Finally the doc tells him it is beyond his skill set and refers him to a piccolo player.

'He cannot cure you' says the doc 'but at least he can teach you how to hold it'.

[stattointhailand]

[747man]

Here Yer Go Watchman & Desiree.....

[Drunk Monkey]

Being as its valentines day heres a couple of minutes of Roy Chubby Brown from the 50 shades of Brown tour...with a few jokes about his missus ...

Disclaimer .. the vid is a tad rude n contains one or two profanities , if easily offended dont watch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6Bv2l1_c5A

DM

[joepai]

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

[pipadoo]

Ayup lad

[joepai]

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

[747man]

PANIC IN THE AIR
Air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"
Air.craft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft” “The mess in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

[747man]

A gay man was at the vets with his German Shepherd dog. The bloke sat next to him asks what his dog is here for, the guy lifts his shirt up to reveal numerous scratches to his body. "What happened to you?" asks the bloke sat next to him. "I was cleaning the oven and Rex here came mounted me and shagged me stupid", my God the bloke sat next to him utters, "are you having him put to sleep?", "no way!" answers the guy, "I'm having his bloody claws cut!"

[AlexO]

Dave comes home early from deployment.
He walks into the kitchen and sees his wife on her knees, scrubbing the floor.
He watches the rhythmic movements of her bum stuck high in the air for a few seconds, before long he can't take it anymore.
Without a word, he lifts up her skirt, slides in and gives her the pounding of her life until they both orgasm loudly.
Then he zips himself up, gets to his feet and pushes her face into the bowl of dirty water .
"What the hell was that for?!" she screams at him.
"That was for not turning round to see who it was." he replied

[joepai]

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[747man]

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

That's Gotta Be 10 Years Old at least......