Consolidated Joke Thread
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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Bath Night
A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire."Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, dont go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless. When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours.Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before.I know, he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!
A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire."Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, dont go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless. When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours.Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before.I know, he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Especially For The Tefal Man as it's in his own Lingo ( OIRISH )
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said,'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2023 !! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up !!!
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said,'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2023 !! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up !!!
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here? "
The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do?
"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here "
The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you? " the Black Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!”
The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do?
"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here "
The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you? " the Black Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Oh, that's an old one, Alan.
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jackspratt
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Yes I Know, But I Posted it again because IYOU Might've MISSED It Last time in 2016.....jackspratt wrote: ↑March 28, 2023, 8:44 amMust be a goody, though - been done 3 times before.
search.php?keywords=clipped&t=26114&sf=msgonly
So Go On Clever Arse,Post us a FUNNY one IF You Know ANY.....
You're Very 
On This Thread Aren't YOU 
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
O.K. Mr Pratt,Maybe You've NOT Heard this one.....Please Let Us KNOW....555 !!
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening, stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his missus, who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom. I am Saint Peter." Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to live for. I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away!"
St. Peter replied, "Well, yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but, knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A blinding flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
"This isn't so bad," he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So, you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad," replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," replied Brian.
"Well, just relax and let it happen." And so he did and, after a few uncomfortable seconds, an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!
The joy kept on coming and, just as he was about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard! You've ---- the bed."
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening, stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his missus, who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom. I am Saint Peter." Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to live for. I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away!"
St. Peter replied, "Well, yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but, knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A blinding flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
"This isn't so bad," he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So, you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad," replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," replied Brian.
"Well, just relax and let it happen." And so he did and, after a few uncomfortable seconds, an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!
The joy kept on coming and, just as he was about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard! You've ---- the bed."
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
The Male Cycle finally explained
When I was 13, I began to notice girls and hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
At high school, I went out with a passionate girl, but she was too emotional: everything was an emergency—she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So then I thought that I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but...she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found a very exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I'm older and wiser now and looking for a girl with big tits.
When I was 13, I began to notice girls and hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
At high school, I went out with a passionate girl, but she was too emotional: everything was an emergency—she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So then I thought that I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but...she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found a very exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I'm older and wiser now and looking for a girl with big tits.
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jackspratt
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Will that be AFTER You have posted " A Funny " Jack.....555 !!jackspratt wrote: ↑March 28, 2023, 8:19 pmNo, I'd not seen that one before, Alan.
And I look forward to seeing it again in a few weeks.
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Drunk Monkey
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!
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Drunk Monkey
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
What a fooked up world we live in ... thats a bloke a fella a man a geezer ..with long hair n a penis IT IS NOT A WOMAN or even semi trans .. makes my ladyboy sausage hiding chum Brian in Bkk who helps me with my Thai classes look like Ms Universe.samster wrote: ↑March 29, 2023, 10:48 amA Yorkshire trannie.
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-leeds-65097013
DM
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Come On be HONEST You paid for HIS / HER Treatment Didn't Yer ?/ ( With the help of a " Go Fund Me " Page )Drunk Monkey wrote: ↑March 29, 2023, 1:14 pmWhat a fooked up world we live in ... thats a bloke a fella a man a geezer ..with long hair n a penis IT IS NOT A WOMAN or even semi trans .. makes my ladyboy sausage hiding chum Brian in Bkk who helps me with my Thai classes look like Ms Universe.samster wrote: ↑March 29, 2023, 10:48 amA Yorkshire trannie.
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-leeds-65097013
DM