Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

A man sued a hospital - saying his wife had lost all interest in sex since her operation.
The hospital told him his wife had surgery for cataracts, all they did was improve her eyesight.

[stattointhailand]

Jeez, that must have been on here six or seven times now

[747man]

Jeez, that must have been on here six or seven times now

O.K. Then it must be Time for YOU to crack a FUNNY,Over to YOU

[747man]

I MIGHT have posted these before but If I have I Really Don't Care......555 !!

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged
from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers .......
so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the
60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I
saw her face.
I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk.
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen,
ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes too go to!'
Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a
big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or
getting your bloody tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a
prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just
for starters!'
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity,
get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since
she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

[747man]

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday.
I was asked, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I once told a donkey to bugger off."
They said they'll let me know, but I'm not hopeful.

[747man]

Oooopppsss !!

[747man]

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"
The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"
The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"
The doctor replies "Lady, For your sake you better hope that they're the cheeks of his arse.

555 !555 !

[747man]

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
My husband and my vet don't like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.
Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!"
And he closed the door.

[stattointhailand]

If 5 Ants rent a flat,
and they are joined by another 5 Ants
can they then claim to be Tenants

[Earnest]

Yes, I suppose so. I'm unsure on whether this is a Dad joke.

[jackspratt]

Post by stattointhailand » March 30, 2023, 10:21 pm
If 5 Ants rent a flat,
and they are joined by another 5 Ants
can they then claim to be Tenants

Yes, I suppose so. I'm unsure on whether this is a Dad joke.

It's pretty dire, isn't it.

But on the plus side, it is a step up from the few which precede it.

[747man]

Post by stattointhailand » March 30, 2023, 10:21 pm
If 5 Ants rent a flat,
and they are joined by another 5 Ants
can they then claim to be Tenants

Yes, I suppose so. I'm unsure on whether this is a Dad joke.

It's AWFUL That is......

It's pretty dire, isn't it.

But on the plus side, it is a step up from the few which precede it.

SO Come On WHERE Is your latest Offering ?? Oh ! Thought NOT You haven't Posted ANY Funnies " Ave Yer ??

[stattointhailand]

Ive just been on the Lazada website and ordered a chicken and an egg

I'll let you know

[Whistler]

If 5 Ants rent a flat,
and they are joined by another 5 Ants
can they then claim to be Tenants

Wait until the pink panther finds out about this!

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant..

Now tell me you didn't play the tune in your head.

[Whistler]

I love the pink panther theme song. Same same for the Lone Ranger dropping of his rubbish.

To the dump, the dump, the dump dump, dump.

Once again let free the musical expression in your head to burst free.

[stattointhailand]

Best (only) good thing about the pink panther was the appearance of Lesley Anne Down

[AlexO]

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's buggered, you might as well gan fishing."

[stattointhailand]

Got this image of Oz from Auf Weidersein Pet coming out with that punch line

[jackspratt]

Maybe YOU Will Understand This One WITHOUT Struggling,Mr Pratt......You might have to read it 2 or 3 times though !!

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH'
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

But I'm more confused than ever - just 2 weeks ago you told us this bloke was an Aussie, in 2014, broon97 told us he was a Londoner, and just above, Alex now reveals he is a Geordie.

[747man]

Nah ! He's an Aussie.......