Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

Please save them for the EPL thread 747.

Duly noted Sam, Have Moved it to the EPL Thread Now.....

[747man]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.

[jackspratt]

That's bloody hilarious, Alan - what a guy, hey (him, not you).

Boom- booming 3 times a night when he was 72, way, way back in 2002.

So long ago, and just 7 years after Everton last won a trophy.

[747man]

I overheard the missus on the phone to her friend last night. "I can't wait for next weekend", she whispered. "We're gonna try all sorts of new positions, and I'm gonna do everything he asks". It would have been a lovely surprise for me, but she needs to start checking the calendar, because I'm working away that weekend.

[747man]

And He Woke Up in Hospital A Week Later.......555 !!

[jackspratt]

I overheard the missus on the phone to her friend last night. "I can't wait for next weekend", she whispered. "We're gonna try all sorts of new positions, and I'm gonna do everything he asks". It would have been a lovely surprise for me, but she needs to start checking the calendar, because I'm working away that weekend.

Golly, Alan - I am impressed that you have such an intimate understanding of the Thai/Issan spoken language.

[stattointhailand]

5 yr old scouse-mackam goes into his parents bedroom one morning, and sees his mother on top of his dad giving him a right pounding. Having noticed the little un, the mother quickly grabs a dressing gown and goes downstairs to comfort the little rougue. He asks "what were you doing to daddy?", and quick as a flash she answers, "you know daddy has a big beer belly, well every now and again mummy has to bounce up and down on it to make it smaller." The little kid looks at her and says "that's a waste of time, coz every morning when you go off to work Aunt Sally from next door comes round and blows it up again ........... dont yer love kids

[747man]

5 yr old scouse-mackam goes into his parents bedroom one morning, and sees his mother on top of his dad giving him a right pounding. Having noticed the little un, the mother quickly grabs a dressing gown and goes downstairs to comfort the little rougue. He asks "what were you doing to daddy?", and quick as a flash she answers, "you know daddy has a big beer belly, well every now and again mummy has to bounce up and down on it to make it smaller." The little kid looks at her and says "that's a waste of time, coz every morning when you go off to work Aunt Sally from next door comes round and blows it up again ........... dont yer love kids

YOU STOLE That one off Facebook Messenger ( Shorts )

[deankham]

Was the Mum scouse or the Dad? I'm confused....

Anyway here is one I don't think had been posted 20 times already

Teacher to class: "What does your dad do at weekends?".

Little Boy: "He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right he lets punters bang his arse and come in his mouth".

Teacher takes him outside, "Is that true?".

Little boy: "No miss, it's bollocks. He plays for Newcastle but I'm too embarrassed to say".

[tamada]

Was the Mum scouse or the Dad? I'm confused....

Anyway here is one I don't think had been posted 20 times already

Teacher to class: "What does your dad do at weekends?".

Little Boy: "He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right he lets punters bang his arse and come in his mouth".

Teacher takes him outside, "Is that true?".

Little boy: "No miss, it's bollocks. He plays for Newcastle but I'm too embarrassed to say".

Everton... he plays for EVERTON!!!

Sheesh...

[deankham]

^I couldn't do it. I just couldn't...

[747man]

Was the Mum scouse or the Dad? I'm confused....

Anyway here is one I don't think had been posted 20 times already

Teacher to class: "What does your dad do at weekends?".

Little Boy: "He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right he lets punters bang his arse and come in his mouth".

Teacher takes him outside, "Is that true?".

Little boy: "No miss, it's bollocks. He plays for Newcastle but I'm too embarrassed to say".

Everton... he plays for EVERTON!!!

Sheesh...

NO He Plays for The Geordie Bonecutters !!

[747man]

[jackspratt]

[stattointhailand]

5 yr old scouse-mackam goes into his parents bedroom one morning, and sees his mother on top of his dad giving him a right pounding. Having noticed the little un, the mother quickly grabs a dressing gown and goes downstairs to comfort the little rougue. He asks "what were you doing to daddy?", and quick as a flash she answers, "you know daddy has a big beer belly, well every now and again mummy has to bounce up and down on it to make it smaller." The little kid looks at her and says "that's a waste of time, coz every morning when you go off to work Aunt Sally from next door comes round and blows it up again ........... dont yer love kids

YOU STOLE That one off Facebook Messenger ( Shorts )

I remember reading it on Quora a few days ago

[pipoz4444]

The things boys do for entertainment

[Irish Alan]

[747man]

Yeah, Gotta LOOK Out for Those Bloody Cameras....

[Whistler]

[747man]