Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

[pipoz4444]

taylor swift.jpg

They might look stunning, but there is always a "But"

I once had a Kiwi mate in Jakarta and most times when we left the bar, he had one of the ugliest girls from the bar with him. So I decided to ask him why during one of his sober periods, and his response was along the lines "The ugly ones, are like used tires (there are lots of them and they can go the distance) and tend to appreciate "it" more". It being whatever he did

Unfortunately he married and American "Retread" and she came apart, after not to many miles.

Retread Tire .jpg (30.76 KiB) Viewed 1873 times

pipoz4444

[747man]

I got pulled over on the way back home from grabbing McDonald’s with my niece. I was going 12 mph over the speed limit. As the officer started walking up to my car, I rolled all of my windows down. My adorable and apparently INCREDIBLY smart 7 year old niece started screaming from the backseat “It’s coming out! I can’t hold it any longer! It’s almost here!!!” Now the trooper is HEARING her scream this and he leans in the window and asks her “What’s going on here???” She looks him DEAD IN THE FACE and says “I’ve got poop coming outta my butt!!” He started laughing! I was shocked and embarrassed! He asked how far I had to go, which was about 3 miles home. He told me to drive safe and get Miss Pupu Butt home to do her business. He could NOT stop laughing! As soon as we pulled away I asked “What was that about???” My niece smirked and said “I saw it on YouTube but I didn’t think it would work.” I said “So, you’re not pooping?” She said nope and you're not in trouble either. This lil girl is my hero!!!

[747man]

[747man]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a individual bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[747man]

Geography Of A Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel ,has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.[]
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ...ruled by nuts.

[747man]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

[747man]

[747man]

.....555 !!

[747man]

THINK About it >>>>

[747man]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled , he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs , then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"

[jackspratt]

Is that a leftover from last Xmas's bonbon, Alan?

[747man]

Is that a leftover from last Xmas's bonbon, Alan?

It's from a Tesco's Christmas Cracker Jacko.....55555 !!!!

[Drunk Monkey]

Is that a leftover from last Xmas's bonbon, Alan?

It's from a 1973 Tesco's Christmas Cracker Jacko.....55555 !!!!

[747man]

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
As our passion began to heat up she said,
"I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!"
She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store.
I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelery counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet.
I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

[stattointhailand]

[jackspratt]

The first sentence explains a lot, statto.