Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

.....555 !!

[747man]

A man was in a long queue at his local supermarket. As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register:
She asked. "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom. "One box of large condoms, Till 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said. "One box of medium sized condoms, Till 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a woman, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the checkout he told the girl he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…....
"Mop and bucket, till 5."

[747man]

[Drunk Monkey]

Its Glastonbury time in the UK and Elton John has announced it will be his last performance before retirement.

[stattointhailand]

He's gonna finish with "a song for vi"

[747man]

[747man]

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lottery and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and I played the lottery and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.......You guessed it:
Her share of the lottery winnings....
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while She gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
"What the ---- is this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lottery ticket wet, do we??"

[747man]

[747man]

The Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.
The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.
He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough..??
Finally he said,
"OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your Husband."
The Doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the Husband,
"Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. Cos, I couldn't get an Erection either."

[747man]

An Oldie ( Just like Mr Pratt ) But it's O.K. He's Probably read it BEFORE.....

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

[747man]

[747man]

An elderly couple, Mary and Declan, live in Cork.
Declan always wanted a pair of authentic riding boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Mary looks him over, ‘Nope.’
Frustrated, Declan storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Mary looks up and says, ‘Declan , what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’
Furious, Declan yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARY?
‘Nope’ she replies.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Declan yells.
To which Mary replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Declan . Shoulda bought a hat.”

[747man]

[747man]

A Scouser walked into the local job centre, goes straight up to the counter and said, “I’m looking for a job.”
The man behind the counter replied, “Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You’ll have to drive them around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary is £150,000 a year.”
The Scouser said, “Your bullshitting me!”
The man behind the counter replied, “Well, you started it.”

[jackspratt]

An Oldie ( Just like Mr Pratt ) But it's O.K. He's Probably read it BEFORE.....

It's not that old, and I have read it before - you posted it only 3 months ago, you jerk.

And then a few years before that.

Plus the other 3 who preceded you.

[Laan Yaa Mo]

Monty Python, how do you know she's a witch?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdVOZ8Gbf-c

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]