A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She Spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same q uestio n.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a surefire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad? "
"I promise I won't," she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's
Consolidated Joke Thread
-
RALPHCUSENS
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1079
- Joined: March 13, 2007, 12:23 am
- Location: Udon Thani
A lady approaches a priest and says to him, 'Father I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing'. what do they say?' the priest inquired.'They only know how to say ..... Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?' 'That's terrible!' exclaimed the priest, 'but I have a solution to your problem, bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots who I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship instead.' 'Thank you' the woman
responded. The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest' house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and the females immediately said 'Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?'>> >>> >One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims 'Put the f*** ing beads down Frank, our prayers have been answered!____________________________________________________
responded. The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest' house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and the females immediately said 'Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?'>> >>> >One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims 'Put the f*** ing beads down Frank, our prayers have been answered!____________________________________________________
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beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
Yes made me laugh to.
--------------------------------------
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks,"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to
Dublin."
"Of course"
The second man can't help himself so he asks,"What school did you go
too?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the
bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
again."
. 
--------------------------------------
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks,"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to
Dublin."
"Of course"
The second man can't help himself so he asks,"What school did you go
too?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the
bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
again."
. -
beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
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RALPHCUSENS
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1079
- Joined: March 13, 2007, 12:23 am
- Location: Udon Thani
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beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
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beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
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beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
The Stranded Irishman
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a
deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on
the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly
not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer,
he began to rule out the possibilities of a small
boat and even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited
black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and
the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead
gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman
and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since
you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof
pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled
out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights
it, and takes a long drag.
"Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good
I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of
good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied,"Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right
sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and
hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long
drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman.
"'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly
unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the
middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees
and sobbed.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got
golf clubs in there, too!"
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a
deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on
the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly
not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer,
he began to rule out the possibilities of a small
boat and even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited
black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and
the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead
gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman
and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since
you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof
pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled
out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights
it, and takes a long drag.
"Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good
I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of
good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied,"Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right
sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and
hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long
drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman.
"'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly
unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the
middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees
and sobbed.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got
golf clubs in there, too!"
Weight loss
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely, " he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine"!!!!!!
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely, " he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine"!!!!!!
A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings "
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender state s, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
.................
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a
barbitchyouate.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings "
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender state s, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
.................
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a
barbitchyouate.
-
Seaserpent
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 261
- Joined: December 26, 2006, 9:20 am
- Location: Pattaya Tropical
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair
every year, and every year Morris would say,
"Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther
always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter
ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair,
and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that
helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of
you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say a word I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil
tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris
and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to
get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
every year, and every year Morris would say,
"Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther
always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter
ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair,
and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that
helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of
you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say a word I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil
tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris
and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to
get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
-
Seaserpent
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 261
- Joined: December 26, 2006, 9:20 am
- Location: Pattaya Tropical
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green everyweek for the last month".
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been Two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood" the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sit s down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No,I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been Two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood" the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sit s down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No,I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
-
beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's Soooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's Soooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
Dog and cat diaries
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
6:00am - At last! I go pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I
make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must
eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps
me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once
again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its
headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into
their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good
little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their
accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the
duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the
food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of
"allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my
advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one
of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must
try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced
that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog
receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be
more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got
to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly.
I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now...
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
6:00am - At last! I go pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I
make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must
eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps
me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once
again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its
headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into
their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good
little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their
accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the
duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the
food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of
"allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my
advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one
of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must
try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced
that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog
receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be
more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got
to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly.
I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now...
God and Harleys
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since
you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,your
reward will be to hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
outwith God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to
God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one
who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run
without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Mm, yes."
Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
There 's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
It chatters constantly at high speeds;
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
; ; Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."
--------------------
live well, laugh often, love with all your heart
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since
you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,your
reward will be to hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
outwith God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to
God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one
who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run
without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Mm, yes."
Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
There 's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
It chatters constantly at high speeds;
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
; ; Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."
--------------------
live well, laugh often, love with all your heart
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A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband.
Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away.
It comes to a point where she hasn't had good sex for over a
year and is considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he
gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can
have a go at him, He says "Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom".
She can't believe it; at last he's going to pay her a bit of attention.
They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a
hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall".
"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY... I like it."
She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts
his chin on her privates.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says,"a Goatie WOULD suit me!"
Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away.
It comes to a point where she hasn't had good sex for over a
year and is considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he
gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can
have a go at him, He says "Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom".
She can't believe it; at last he's going to pay her a bit of attention.
They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a
hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall".
"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY... I like it."
She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts
his chin on her privates.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says,"a Goatie WOULD suit me!"
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