A Quick One.....A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs. Forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, “father, remember psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand.
But changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said,”father, remember psalm 129?”
The priest apologized” sorry sister but the flesh is weak “.
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129: it said,”go forth and seek further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity......
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, “father, remember psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand.
But changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said,”father, remember psalm 129?”
The priest apologized” sorry sister but the flesh is weak “.
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129: it said,”go forth and seek further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity......
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A little old spinster, wrote a letter to God. When it got to the sorting office, a postman, seeing it was obviously written by a frail old hand, decided to open it, and read it.
'Dear Lord, I'm Agnes, a 93 old woman living alone in this cruel world, it seems I have been forgotten about, by all those who should be helping me, I haven't been out in months because my mobility scooter needs a broken part that costs £120. and unless I get the money or the part, I'll be stuck in this little flat until my last breath. I don't know what, if anything, you can do, or even if you got this note. Yours faithfully, Agnes.' and her address followed.
The postie was choked so he showed some colleagues and they had a whip round, and collected £110. He placed it in an envelope and sent it to her.
A couple of weeks later at the sorting office he noticed the same frail handwritten letter to god.
He opened it and it read. 'Dear God, its me again Agnes, I was so pleased to hear from you and the cash you sent, thank you soo so much. Sadly it was a tenner short, it was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office.'
'Dear Lord, I'm Agnes, a 93 old woman living alone in this cruel world, it seems I have been forgotten about, by all those who should be helping me, I haven't been out in months because my mobility scooter needs a broken part that costs £120. and unless I get the money or the part, I'll be stuck in this little flat until my last breath. I don't know what, if anything, you can do, or even if you got this note. Yours faithfully, Agnes.' and her address followed.
The postie was choked so he showed some colleagues and they had a whip round, and collected £110. He placed it in an envelope and sent it to her.
A couple of weeks later at the sorting office he noticed the same frail handwritten letter to god.
He opened it and it read. 'Dear God, its me again Agnes, I was so pleased to hear from you and the cash you sent, thank you soo so much. Sadly it was a tenner short, it was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office.'
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in.
As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter.
The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.
Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!".....555 !!
As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter.
The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.
Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!".....555 !!
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat' agreed to look after
her neighbour’s male dog while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart,
but as she was drifting off to sleep one night, she heard awful howling
sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,
in obvious stress and unable to disengage, as can sometimes happen
when they mate.
She was unable to separate them and was worried about what to do next.
Although it was late at night, she called the Vet, who answered in a
very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the Vet advised. "Hang up the
phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back
and the sound of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and
he'll be able to withdraw".
"Do you think that will work?" she asked doubtfully.
"It just worked for me" he replied!
her neighbour’s male dog while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart,
but as she was drifting off to sleep one night, she heard awful howling
sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,
in obvious stress and unable to disengage, as can sometimes happen
when they mate.
She was unable to separate them and was worried about what to do next.
Although it was late at night, she called the Vet, who answered in a
very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the Vet advised. "Hang up the
phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back
and the sound of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and
he'll be able to withdraw".
"Do you think that will work?" she asked doubtfully.
"It just worked for me" he replied!
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the
entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs? "
The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the
entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs? "
The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
...A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport.
The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore.
Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water.
You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend.
The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery.
Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children.
Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others.
But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar.
We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting.
At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts.
In winter, every room is on heat.
Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity!
.. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition.
If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope.
You will struggle to forget it.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport.
The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore.
Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water.
You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend.
The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery.
Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children.
Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others.
But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar.
We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting.
At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts.
In winter, every room is on heat.
Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity!
.. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition.
If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope.
You will struggle to forget it.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
My family just learned that Grandpa has an addiction to Viagra.
No one is taking it harder than Grandma.
No one is taking it harder than Grandma.
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thewatchman
- udonmap.com
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
laughing at the occasional visitor and failed taxi drivers
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
It was 10 years ago today my best mate James came running out of the room shouting "It's a boy!" with tears streaming down his face.
We never went back to Thailand.
We never went back to Thailand.