Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says
"How dare you call me a slapper GET out of my bed rite now....
and take your your *ucking mates with you.....
MAN staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
DOCTOR asked 'WHAT happened to you?'
WELL i was playing Golf with the wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows.
I found one stuck in a cows fanny,
I YELLED to my wife this looks like yours', I don't remember much after that......
Consolidated Joke Thread
-
RALPHCUSENS
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1079
- Joined: March 13, 2007, 12:23 am
- Location: Udon Thani
Dear IT Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates
42, which I had used for years without any trouble. However,
there are apparently conflicts between these two products and
the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the
sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with
several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football
45, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved
no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs
and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down
completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at
the same time, only to discover that when these two systems
detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that
this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While
Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does
come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0
could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made
were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be
deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about
them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail
filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and
Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I
have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle
Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also,
when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard
drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called
MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there
could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact
that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all
of your Money before uninstalling itself'.
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates
42, which I had used for years without any trouble. However,
there are apparently conflicts between these two products and
the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the
sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with
several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football
45, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved
no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs
and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down
completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at
the same time, only to discover that when these two systems
detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that
this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While
Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does
come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0
could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made
were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be
deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about
them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail
filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and
Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I
have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle
Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also,
when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard
drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called
MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there
could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact
that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all
of your Money before uninstalling itself'.
Guts and Balls - The Medical Distinction
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed , the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys , being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning , or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys , smelling of perfume and beer , lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking , there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed , the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys , being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning , or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys , smelling of perfume and beer , lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking , there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
-
RALPHCUSENS
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1079
- Joined: March 13, 2007, 12:23 am
- Location: Udon Thani
A doctor goes out and buys the hottest car on the market, a brand new
Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him
$400,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car
ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost almost a half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?!
"Because this car can do up to 240 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,
sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right
. but I think I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer
reads 120 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
to be getting closer and he slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks
himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 160 mph. Then, up
ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
passes the moped at 200 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and
sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes
the Ferrari all the way up to 240 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the
Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the
Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the
rear end. The doctor stops the Ferrari and jumps out and unbelievably the
old man is still alive.
He runs over to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything
I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Yes!! ... Unhook ! ...... my suspenders......... from
your......side view...........mirror."
Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him
$400,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car
ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost almost a half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?!
"Because this car can do up to 240 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,
sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right
. but I think I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer
reads 120 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
to be getting closer and he slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks
himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 160 mph. Then, up
ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
passes the moped at 200 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and
sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes
the Ferrari all the way up to 240 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the
Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the
Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the
rear end. The doctor stops the Ferrari and jumps out and unbelievably the
old man is still alive.
He runs over to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything
I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Yes!! ... Unhook ! ...... my suspenders......... from
your......side view...........mirror."
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an
attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken a back because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has
ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you
the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love
to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an
attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken a back because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has
ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you
the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love
to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That`s a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men." "What`s your name?" she asked. "Bob Titsenbeer", he replied.
OK, I admit that this one is kind of lame but I am trying to reach 1,000 posts.......
OK, I admit that this one is kind of lame but I am trying to reach 1,000 posts.......
An apolitical joke:
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ...
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.
" What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
"I've come for some courage."
" No Problem!", said the Wizard. "Who ' s next?"
Richard Nixon stepped forward,
"Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done!" says the Wizard.
"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"
Up stepped Bush and he said,
"I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem!" said the Wizard.
"Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"Well, what do you want?"
"IS DOROTHY HERE?"
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ...
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.
" What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
"I've come for some courage."
" No Problem!", said the Wizard. "Who ' s next?"
Richard Nixon stepped forward,
"Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done!" says the Wizard.
"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"
Up stepped Bush and he said,
"I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem!" said the Wizard.
"Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"Well, what do you want?"
"IS DOROTHY HERE?"
Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one fan noticed a foot protruding from a clump of bushes on the side of the road. They all stopped and discovered it was a nude female, dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The All-Black fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Australian fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the springbok cap, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the All-Black cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it, lifted it replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time.
The Australian fan was getting upset and finally asked," what are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking lifting and looking?"
Well," said the officer," I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Australian hat, I find an @rsehole!"
An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks, "Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?" The man replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"
Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and the husband says, "Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg indulging in "self-abuse" on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager, "Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?"
The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one leg to catch his own kangaroo?"
Eddie Jones takes the Wallabies out for training and tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting, on the 7th day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to an isolated land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God, "that's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humourous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable, strong-in-character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the b*ggers I'm putting next to them!"
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the springbok cap, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the All-Black cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it, lifted it replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time.
The Australian fan was getting upset and finally asked," what are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking lifting and looking?"
Well," said the officer," I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Australian hat, I find an @rsehole!"
An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks, "Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?" The man replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"
Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and the husband says, "Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg indulging in "self-abuse" on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager, "Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?"
The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one leg to catch his own kangaroo?"
Eddie Jones takes the Wallabies out for training and tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting, on the 7th day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to an isolated land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God, "that's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humourous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable, strong-in-character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the b*ggers I'm putting next to them!"
Traveling in a train were a Wallaby, an All Black, a spectacular looking blonde and an older lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Wallaby had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That horrible Wallaby wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) The older lady thought - "This dirty Wallaby laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
(3) The Wallaby thought - "That bloody All Black put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) The All Black thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Wallaby again."
Kiwi family arrives in Australia.
Son's first day at school and the father say's
"OK son what happened at school today"
"I topped the class at Math's today".
"Well son thats because your a New zealander"
Second day at school and the father say's
"what happened at school today"
"I topped class in English"
"Well son thats because your a New zealander".
Third day at school and the father say's
"What happened at school today"
"We played mini Rugby and after the game we were in the shower's and I noticed that I had a bigger wasser than all the other boys"
"Is that because I am a New zealander Dad".
"No son" the father relied "that's because your 27".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.
"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"
The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.
The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.
"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."
What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.
"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"
"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"
So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.
"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"
And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,
"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Carlos Spencer goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but we've just beaten Wales and South Africa in consecutive weeks and let's be honest it's only Australia. They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Carlos looks at them and says "Well, the way I've been playing recently,I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Carlos goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the New Zealand team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the telly on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "New Zealand 7 - Australia 0 (Spencer - 10 minutes - Converted Try)".
He is beating Australia all by himself! Anyway, the telly goes off and a Few more pints later the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how Carlos got on". They put the telly back on.
"Result from the Stadium: New Zealand 7 (Spencer 10 minutes) - Australia 7(Sailor 79 minutes)".
They can't believe it, Carlos has single handedly got a draw against Australia!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down." says Carlos.
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they Only scored at the very very end!" says the rest of the team.
"No, No, I have" says Spencer, "I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance:"hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
(1) The blonde thought - "That horrible Wallaby wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) The older lady thought - "This dirty Wallaby laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
(3) The Wallaby thought - "That bloody All Black put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) The All Black thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Wallaby again."
Kiwi family arrives in Australia.
Son's first day at school and the father say's
"OK son what happened at school today"
"I topped the class at Math's today".
"Well son thats because your a New zealander"
Second day at school and the father say's
"what happened at school today"
"I topped class in English"
"Well son thats because your a New zealander".
Third day at school and the father say's
"What happened at school today"
"We played mini Rugby and after the game we were in the shower's and I noticed that I had a bigger wasser than all the other boys"
"Is that because I am a New zealander Dad".
"No son" the father relied "that's because your 27".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.
"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"
The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.
The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.
"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."
What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.
"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"
"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"
So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.
"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"
And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,
"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
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Carlos Spencer goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but we've just beaten Wales and South Africa in consecutive weeks and let's be honest it's only Australia. They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Carlos looks at them and says "Well, the way I've been playing recently,I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Carlos goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the New Zealand team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the telly on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "New Zealand 7 - Australia 0 (Spencer - 10 minutes - Converted Try)".
He is beating Australia all by himself! Anyway, the telly goes off and a Few more pints later the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how Carlos got on". They put the telly back on.
"Result from the Stadium: New Zealand 7 (Spencer 10 minutes) - Australia 7(Sailor 79 minutes)".
They can't believe it, Carlos has single handedly got a draw against Australia!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down." says Carlos.
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they Only scored at the very very end!" says the rest of the team.
"No, No, I have" says Spencer, "I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
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The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance:"hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
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Pakawala
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1315
- Joined: August 3, 2006, 9:29 pm
- Location: A golf course when not at home.
The perfect lead-in...
A guy rear-ends another fellow on the way to work. He's not hurt but is pretty stressed out from the experience plus he's not looking forward to the expected ticket. He then sees the other guy getting out of his car and, low and behold, the guy is a DWARF.
The little fellow marches up to the other guys car and loudly states, "I'M NO HAPPY!!"
The other guy looks down at him and asks, "So, which one are you?"
A guy rear-ends another fellow on the way to work. He's not hurt but is pretty stressed out from the experience plus he's not looking forward to the expected ticket. He then sees the other guy getting out of his car and, low and behold, the guy is a DWARF.
The little fellow marches up to the other guys car and loudly states, "I'M NO HAPPY!!"
The other guy looks down at him and asks, "So, which one are you?"
OJ in Hell
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't
know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no
room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm
going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as
you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves." OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the
devil opened the door to the first room. In it were Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was
his fate in hell. "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."The devil led him
to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a
room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time
after time."No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented OJ. The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and
finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."The devil smiled and said . .
. . "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't
know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no
room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm
going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as
you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves." OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the
devil opened the door to the first room. In it were Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was
his fate in hell. "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."The devil led him
to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a
room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time
after time."No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented OJ. The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and
finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."The devil smiled and said . .
. . "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
-
Irish Alan
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 3610
- Joined: April 1, 2007, 7:22 am
- Location: ขอนแก่น
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father 5 years ago.
Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales."
The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats.
Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"
Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative:
"HEY!", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales."
The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats.
Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"
Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative:
"HEY!", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50: Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Email forwarded from a friend:
This is an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble from Wendi Aarons of
Austin, TX, regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling
after the first paragraph...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak
GuardCore(tm)or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial
it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the
curse"? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a
few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the
reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a
HappyPeriod."
Are you f__individual kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is
possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the
least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind
of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day
in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock
yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Kmart armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic message on a
maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is
Wrong", or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull s__t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
-
beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
-
RALPHCUSENS
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1079
- Joined: March 13, 2007, 12:23 am
- Location: Udon Thani
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere" says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says "Fook dat, dis budgiejumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE.......
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET.......
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat, first dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting..... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere" says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says "Fook dat, dis budgiejumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE.......
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET.......
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat, first dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting..... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
-
Irish Alan
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 3610
- Joined: April 1, 2007, 7:22 am
- Location: ขอนแก่น
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!"
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping,
drank whole bottles of wine, always had a clean house, never had to cook,
did whatever the hel_l she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled
more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to
herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore fricken
lacy lingerie that went up her arse, had high self esteem, never cried or
yelled, and felt and looked fabulous all the time.
THE END
_________________________________________
BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!![/b]
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping,
drank whole bottles of wine, always had a clean house, never had to cook,
did whatever the hel_l she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled
more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to
herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore fricken
lacy lingerie that went up her arse, had high self esteem, never cried or
yelled, and felt and looked fabulous all the time.
THE END
_________________________________________
BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!![/b]
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
-
wokkawombat
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1133
- Joined: July 11, 2005, 6:08 pm
- Location: Udon/Noosa Australia. "One crowded hour of glorious life is worth an age without a name".
A BLOKE walked into a pub with a monkey. The bloke ordered a drink while the monkey leapt about. First the monkey grabbed some chips off a plate and ate them, then he grabbed a billiard ball of a pool table, stuck it in his mouth and swallowed it whole. The bloke finished his drink and they both left.
A couple of weeks later they went back and again the bloke ordered a drink while the monkey leapt about. First the monkey pulled a Maraschino cherry out of a cocktail, stuck it up his arse, then ate it. Then he grabbed a peanut out of a bowl, prodded that up his clacker, then pulled it out and gulped it down.
The appalled barman said to the monkey
A couple of weeks later they went back and again the bloke ordered a drink while the monkey leapt about. First the monkey pulled a Maraschino cherry out of a cocktail, stuck it up his arse, then ate it. Then he grabbed a peanut out of a bowl, prodded that up his clacker, then pulled it out and gulped it down.
The appalled barman said to the monkey
Gurgle, Gurgle...
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
means a smile and is a frown.Sometimes these are represented by
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass