Consolidated Joke Thread

[BKKSTAN]

POSSIBLY THE BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR
> >>
> >> A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her
> >> mother overseas.
> >>
> >> When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have
> >> any
> >> money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
> >>
> >> The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
> >>
> >> "Anything?" he asked.
> >>
> >> "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
> >>
> >> Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next
> >> room.
> >> The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
> >> "Come in and close the door" the man said.
> >> She did.
> >> He then said "Now get on your knees."
> >> She did.
> >>
> >> "Now take down my zipper."
> >> She did.
> >>
> >> "Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.
> >>
> >> She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
> >> Then paused.
> >>
> >> The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
> >> "Well ... go ahead."
> >>
> >> The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it
> >> close to her lips, ........tentatively said ....
> >>
> >> "Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

[jingjai]

This is a great example of 'did I say that out loud???'
This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?'
'That's correct,' responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat. Have a good day.'

[747man]

An Irish Girl returns to the family home after 5 Years away,As she opens the door her father remonstrates with her....Good God !! Where the Hell have ye been my daughter ?? ye have never written,or phoned ,or tried to keep in touch,Ye Poor old Mother has had a heart attack worrying about Ye !! She turns and tells Her Father....I'm sorry I turned into a PROSTITUTE !!The Old man yells at her " Get out of the house and NEVER come back" She turns to Her Father and says to him,But Daddy....I just come with this Real Fur coat for Mum,and here are the keys to a brand new BMW for you it's outside,also heres the keys to MY 10 bedroomed Mansion in London,and I have a Yacht in The Mederteranian I've reserved for You & Mammy for 2 Months next year,After which Her Father says " Now tell me AGAIN Girly.....What did you turn too ?? To which she replies....PROSTITUTION....Jesus replies the Father,come and sit down,I thought you said You'd turned into " A PROTESTANT "

[747man]

Sorry IF That Offended ANYONE !!!

[beer monkey]

apology accepted...

[Naam Jai]

Naam Jai has been compromised by the moderator Protest if you want him to contribute again.

[Seaserpent]

> RAILROADS
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> Does the statement, "We've always done it like that" ring any bells? Read
> this email to the end; you'll love it!!
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> The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5
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> That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
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> Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates
> built
> the US Railroads.
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> Why did the English build them like that?
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> Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
> pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
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> Why did "they" use that gauge then?
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> Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools
> that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
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> Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
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> Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would
> break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because
> that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
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> So who built those old rutted roads?
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> Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England)
> for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
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> And the ruts in the roads?
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> Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match
> for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for
> Imperial Rome, they
> were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
> The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived
> from the
> original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies
> live forever.
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> So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass
> came up with it, you may
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> be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army
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> chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war
> horses.
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> Now, the twist to the story
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> When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big
> booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid
> rocket boosters, or SRBs.
> The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who
> designed the SRBs would have prefer red to make them a bit fatter, but the
> SRBs
> had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
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> The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the
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> The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
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> The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad
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> So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
> most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago
> by the width of a horse's ass.
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> - And -
> You thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!
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[polehawk]

Naam Jai has been compromised by the moderator Protest if you want him to contribute again.

This one has got to be the funniest one yet !

[beer monkey]

itsa cracker...its the way he tells em...

[747man]

itsa cracker...its the way he tells em...

Rings a Bell,Youre NOT Frank Carson in Disguise......Are You,B.M ??? =D> =D>

[beer monkey]

Its a Cracker...................

[new2udon]

Not sure if this ones been on here, but I thought it was quiet good,


Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and

went to heaven.



At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and

your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out

with anyone you want in Heaven."



Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with

God."



St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.



God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented

the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"



Arthur said, "Yes, that's me."



God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty

unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"



Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but

aren't You the inventor of woman?"



God said, "Yes."



"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major

design flaws in your invention:



1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions...



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds...



3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.



4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust...



5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"



"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."



God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited

for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.



"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,

"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than

yours."

[JimboPSM]

.....................Are You,B.M ??? =D> =D>

This could be one of the all time comebacks.

B.M. - has to be the late great totally non PC Bernard Manning.

[jingjai]

> Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers.
> They worked as aircraft mechanics in Dallas, TX.
>
> One day the airport was fogged in.
> They were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
>
> Bud says,
> "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
>
> Jim says,
> "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
> You wanna try it?"
>
> They pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch
> and got completely smashed.
>
> The next morning Bud woke up and was surprised at how good he felt.
> In fact he felt GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing.
>
> The phone rings. It's Jim.
> Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
>
> Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
>
> Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
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> Bud says,
> "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.
> We ought to do this more often."
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> Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing."
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> Bud asks, "What's that?"
>
> Jim asks, "Have you farted yet?"
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> Bud says, "No."
>
> Jim says, "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver ."

[jingjai]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
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> "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
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> "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black
> Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a
> young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
> So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked
> him
> in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it
> on
> the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the sh*it out of all of
> you!"
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> St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
>
> "Couple of minutes ago."

[UdonExpat]

2008 sensitive man of the year

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:






'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf

[polehawk]

A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some
brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.


She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...




(you'll love this one...................)







'Cleanup, Register 5'

[jingjai]

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as
the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
pieces? That will be sweet revenge." A nd the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair o f whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floa ting i n the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

[beer monkey]

Old Chinese Proverbs...(old an repeated.. but still funny if you have'nt seen them for a while)




Virginity like bubble, one *****, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man Who Cooks Meat And Peas In Same Pot Very Un-hygenic

[Artfullmover]

Try this website. It's amazing, it will almost certainly find a photo of you when at school, no matter how far back that might have been. Click on this link and type in very basic details and lo and behold all will be revealed.


www.worldschoolphotographs.com

This site does not appear to be working correctly. I enter my details and it keeps bringing up school photos of a person named Andrew Symonds.

Good gratiuos me I need to feed my elefhant and get some curry in a hurry