Estate Planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Consolidated Joke Thread
-
wazza
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 9053
- Joined: April 2, 2006, 9:06 pm
- Location: Cuba- Drove around in an Ol 55 Chev - On the Prowl
- Contact:
Ozzie Jokes
Ozzie Jokes
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.
So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with these Chinese customs of yours? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.
The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about ---- on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs.
" "What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs." "Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase Chicks, drink Piss, and listen to Bull-----."
----------------------------
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
----------------
Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
-----------------------------
A KIWI was attenting a Test cricket match In Australia (Aus vs. Kiwi), and was feeling a little crook so he went to see an Aussie doctor.
The doctor said that he had some bad news and that he would have to remove his testicles. The kiwi said "Ay? No mate. Na get stuffed."
So he went for a second opinion from another Australian doctor. He said the same thing and the same reaction came from the Kiwi.
So he went to the Test match and decided to go get a third opinion from a Kiwi doctor.
He said: "Na no good mate. We gonna have ta chop ya balls off."
The Kiwi then said, "Thank God for that ... them Aussie docs. wanted to remove my Test tickets!"
------------------------
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.
So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with these Chinese customs of yours? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.
The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about ---- on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs.
" "What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs." "Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase Chicks, drink Piss, and listen to Bull-----."
----------------------------
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
----------------
Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
-----------------------------
A KIWI was attenting a Test cricket match In Australia (Aus vs. Kiwi), and was feeling a little crook so he went to see an Aussie doctor.
The doctor said that he had some bad news and that he would have to remove his testicles. The kiwi said "Ay? No mate. Na get stuffed."
So he went for a second opinion from another Australian doctor. He said the same thing and the same reaction came from the Kiwi.
So he went to the Test match and decided to go get a third opinion from a Kiwi doctor.
He said: "Na no good mate. We gonna have ta chop ya balls off."
The Kiwi then said, "Thank God for that ... them Aussie docs. wanted to remove my Test tickets!"
------------------------
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes:
'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and s queeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.
If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes:
'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and s queeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.
If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
-
beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
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The Miniature Pianist
A guy walks into a restaurant and notices a miniature man playing a miniature piano. Fascinated, he asks the restaurant's manager, "How did you find this tiny guy to play the piano?"
The manager replies, "I found a lamp with a genie in it, and he granted me one wish."
"And so you wished for a 10-inch pianist?" the guy asks.
"Well, not exactly." .
A guy walks into a restaurant and notices a miniature man playing a miniature piano. Fascinated, he asks the restaurant's manager, "How did you find this tiny guy to play the piano?"
The manager replies, "I found a lamp with a genie in it, and he granted me one wish."
"And so you wished for a 10-inch pianist?" the guy asks.
"Well, not exactly." .
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said: "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges. For that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said: "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges. For that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Competitive Conversion...
A priest, a Southern Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette
.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to
talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said,
"I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I
began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he
became as gentle as lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give
him first communion an confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone
oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that
bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began
to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his
hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs
and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may
not have been the best way to start."
A priest, a Southern Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette
.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to
talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said,
"I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I
began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he
became as gentle as lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give
him first communion an confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone
oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that
bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began
to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his
hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs
and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may
not have been the best way to start."
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or
are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an
acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of
your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about
it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to
be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates didn't find out that
Plato was banging his wife.
are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an
acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of
your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about
it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to
be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates didn't find out that
Plato was banging his wife.
-
beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
Points system
You make the bed .............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
.in the snow.......................+8
..but return with beer...........-5
..and no liners.....................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron.................................+10
It's her cat..................................................-40
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
AT A PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking
buddy........................................-2
.named Tiffany.................................................-4
.Tiffany is a dancer...........................................-6
..with breast implants..........................................-18
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner.................................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..........+1
Okay, it is a sports bar......................................-2
.and it's all-you-can-eat night................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the
colours of your favorite team...................-10
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.................................................+5
The pal is happily married....................................+4
Or frighteningly single.......................................-7
And he drives a Ferrari.......................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)...................-15
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.......................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate..............................+6
You take her to a movie you like..............................-2
.it's called Death Cop 3.......................................-3
..which features cyborgs that eat humans........................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans........-15
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly...........................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of
it........................................................+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
Hawaiian
shirts..............................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter that you have a big belly
too."..............-800
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding...................................-10
You reply, "Where?"..........................................-35
Any other response...........................................-20
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression................ 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..............................+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV...........................................................+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep..........-200
You make the bed .............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
.in the snow.......................+8
..but return with beer...........-5
..and no liners.....................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron.................................+10
It's her cat..................................................-40
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
AT A PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking
buddy........................................-2
.named Tiffany.................................................-4
.Tiffany is a dancer...........................................-6
..with breast implants..........................................-18
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner.................................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..........+1
Okay, it is a sports bar......................................-2
.and it's all-you-can-eat night................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the
colours of your favorite team...................-10
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.................................................+5
The pal is happily married....................................+4
Or frighteningly single.......................................-7
And he drives a Ferrari.......................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)...................-15
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.......................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate..............................+6
You take her to a movie you like..............................-2
.it's called Death Cop 3.......................................-3
..which features cyborgs that eat humans........................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans........-15
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly...........................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of
it........................................................+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
Hawaiian
shirts..............................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter that you have a big belly
too."..............-800
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding...................................-10
You reply, "Where?"..........................................-35
Any other response...........................................-20
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression................ 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..............................+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV...........................................................+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep..........-200
-
wazza
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 9053
- Joined: April 2, 2006, 9:06 pm
- Location: Cuba- Drove around in an Ol 55 Chev - On the Prowl
- Contact:
Morning sex
She was standing in the kitchen
preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the "T" shirt that she normally slept in.
As he walked in almost awake,
she turned and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,
"I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment,
he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her "T" shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
She was standing in the kitchen
preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the "T" shirt that she normally slept in.
As he walked in almost awake,
she turned and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,
"I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment,
he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her "T" shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
-
wazza
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 9053
- Joined: April 2, 2006, 9:06 pm
- Location: Cuba- Drove around in an Ol 55 Chev - On the Prowl
- Contact:
Golf
Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
A man was on the water for his monthly fishing trip.
He began his day with an 8 lb. bass on the first cast and
a 7 lb. on the second. On the third cast he had just caught
his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up, he realized he
was leaving what was shaping up to be his best fishing day ever.
He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the
hospital He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip
with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.
He was jubilant....then he remembered his wife!
Feeling terribly guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He ran up to the doctor
in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
fishing, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for
the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your poor wife has been
languishing in the ICU! I hope you really enjoyed yourself, because it will
more than likely be the last fishing trip you will ever take! For the rest of
her life your wife will be paralyzed and require around the clock care,
and you'll be her caregiver forever!'
The man felt so horrible at what he had done that he broke down and sobbed.
Then the doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messin' with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
He began his day with an 8 lb. bass on the first cast and
a 7 lb. on the second. On the third cast he had just caught
his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up, he realized he
was leaving what was shaping up to be his best fishing day ever.
He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the
hospital He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip
with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.
He was jubilant....then he remembered his wife!
Feeling terribly guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He ran up to the doctor
in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
fishing, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for
the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your poor wife has been
languishing in the ICU! I hope you really enjoyed yourself, because it will
more than likely be the last fishing trip you will ever take! For the rest of
her life your wife will be paralyzed and require around the clock care,
and you'll be her caregiver forever!'
The man felt so horrible at what he had done that he broke down and sobbed.
Then the doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messin' with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
New Rules For 2008
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some tea over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the butthead . If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge butthead .
New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt . And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport . It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S . Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule : No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak w ith a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. '27 Months.' 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some tea over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the butthead . If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge butthead .
New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt . And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport . It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S . Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule : No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak w ith a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. '27 Months.' 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
-
wazza
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 9053
- Joined: April 2, 2006, 9:06 pm
- Location: Cuba- Drove around in an Ol 55 Chev - On the Prowl
- Contact:
HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one... ;
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian
and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said,
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.
Love, Brian"
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:
"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom"
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one... ;
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian
and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said,
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.
Love, Brian"
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:
"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom"
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Nymphomaniac convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded.. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said.... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."
A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded.. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said.... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."
-
beer monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 14553
- Joined: January 1, 2006, 8:08 am
- Contact:
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears...? Look at these heaving breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my arse is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears...? Look at these heaving breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my arse is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
on the toilet
I was barely sitting down on the toilet when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: