Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by **donthani** » February 16, 2008, 11:44 am

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says,

Post by **donthani** » February 16, 2008, 11:50 am

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won

Post by **jingjai** » February 19, 2008, 6:06 pm

> A Scotsman's Prayer
>
> One day a Scotsman who had been stranded on a deserted
> island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
> He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And,
> as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out
> the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.
>
> Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad
> figure.
> Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit , there
> stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
> The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Scotsman and said
> to him,'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good
> cigar.'
>
> 'Ten years,' replied the amazed Scotsman.
>
> With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on
> the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of
> cigars.
>
> He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Ach no,' said
> the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke
> can be!'
>
> 'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good
> Scots Whiskey?' asked the blonde.
>
> Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'
>
> Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve,
> unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
>
> He opened the flask and took a long drink. ''Tis nectar of the
> gods!' stated the Scotsman. ''Tis truly fantastic!!!'
>
> At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly undo the
> long front zipper of her wet suit, right down the middle. She
> looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been
> since you played around?'
>
> With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and
> sobbed,
> 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf
> clubs in there, too!'
>

Post by **wazza** » February 19, 2008, 6:59 pm

BEWARE OF OFF SHORE CALL CENTRES

Recently in Australia , Lifeline the 24/7 telephone counselling service for people who are in a crisis etc...... switched its call centre location.

I friend of mine recently rang them to discuss his depression and got diverted to the call centre in Afganistan.

He stated he was feeling depressed and contemplated suicide etc

They got all excited and asked if he could drive a truck.......

Post by **jingjai** » February 21, 2008, 2:51 pm

> Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.
>
> One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you...'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
>
> Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
>
> She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation.
>
> Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.
>
> He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.
>
> Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
>
> Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?
>
> Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bast*ard had all quarters!'
>
> Management lesson:
>
> Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Post by **donthani** » February 22, 2008, 12:02 pm

Having just returned from a long weekend in nearby Canada , I had a few Canadian dollars left over that I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at my local bank .

There was just one lady in front of me in the line. An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. She appeared to be quite irritated. She asked the teller,

Post by **wazza** » February 22, 2008, 5:20 pm

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child

Benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the Essex girl.

"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne

and Wayne."

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are

out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER

DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the

perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their

surnames."

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a

garment on the counter and tries to get the attention of the chap

behind the counter who's obviously having problems hearing above

the noise of the machines.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she

says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped

and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some

questions?"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate."

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.

It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just

heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the

A13. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f*cking

hundreds of them!"

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's

Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out

of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl

Notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is

Wearing. She says, "Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or

Nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and

The uva one's got an R on it?"

The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and

Replies, "Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the

R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me

Left foot"

"Cor blimey", exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me

Knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"

Post by **jingjai** » February 24, 2008, 8:48 pm

> A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad what is the
> difference between Potentially and Realistically?"
>
> The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
> would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister
> if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and finally, ask
> your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back
> and tell me what you learn from their
>
> answers."
>
> Therefore, the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with
> Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
> The mother replied, "Of course! I would! We could really use that money to
> fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
>
> The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
> for a million dollars?"
> His sister replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in
> a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
>
> The boy then went to his brother and asked, ?Would you sleep with Brad
> Pitt for a million dollars?"
> "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks
> would buy?"
>
> The boy pondered the answers for a few days, and then went back to his
> dad.
>
> His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
> and realistically?"
>
> The boy replied, ?Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three
> Million Dollars... but Realistically ... we're living with two ***** and
> a Queen!

Post by **farang** » February 28, 2008, 10:37 pm

Post by **farang** » February 28, 2008, 10:39 pm

Post by **farang** » February 28, 2008, 10:47 pm

Post by **farang** » February 28, 2008, 10:48 pm

Post by **farang** » February 28, 2008, 10:54 pm

Post by **farang** » February 28, 2008, 11:00 pm

Post by **farang** » February 28, 2008, 11:57 pm

Post by **jingjai** » March 2, 2008, 5:29 pm

Voted Best Joke In Australia:

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife, lying in bed, replies: "That's a sheep, you idiot."

Charlie says: "I wasn't talking to you"

Post by **jingjai** » March 5, 2008, 6:13 pm

A little boy about 10 years old was walking down the sidewalk dragging a "flattened" frog on a string behind him.

He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money, -- and I'm not leaving until I do."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in and pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course, the madam said, "No."

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.

THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squ! ashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed for the door.

The madam, really curious now, stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place

with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are

going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys.

She will get the disease that I just caught.

When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home.

On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.

When dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and mom will go to bed and have sex, and mom will catch it.

In the morning, after dad goes to work, the mailman will deliver the mail, have a quickie with mom and catch the disease, --

and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.

Post by **Bump** » March 7, 2008, 2:53 pm

Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 70 and one 77, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 77 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 70 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 77 year old said 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'

So, on the way home, the 70 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?' She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?'

He said, 'I want five loaves.'

She said, 'My goodness, five loaves. By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard'

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this ---- but me!'

Post by **jingjai** » March 14, 2008, 2:49 pm

*Meet My Mistress...*
*
*A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no
more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris
and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is
yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Post by **jingjai** » March 16, 2008, 6:07 pm

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, 'You didn't have sex, did you?'

Chelsea said, 'Not according to Dad.'

Consolidated Joke Thread

A Really Bad Day

Â“WhatÂ’s for dinner dad?Â”

Off shore Call Centres

Language Barrier