Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, 'You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, gets undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!'
His buddy looks at him and says 'Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in
the closet, undress in the bedroom, then j ump into bed, slap her on the ass and say! WHO'S HORNY????!!! And she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death...
Consolidated Joke Thread
Choosing a wife
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then…………………..
he married the one with the biggest tits.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then…………………..
he married the one with the biggest tits.
Little Old Lady:
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him:
Take me, young man. Take me now!
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little b__tard!
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him:
Take me, young man. Take me now!
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little b__tard!
Life After Death
Joe and Connie made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made verbal contact, "Connie....Connie. ":
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back just like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like in your afterlife?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly..., I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made verbal contact, "Connie....Connie. ":
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back just like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like in your afterlife?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly..., I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
-
stattointhailand
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 19114
- Joined: October 25, 2007, 11:34 pm
- Location: Oiling the locks on my gun case
Subject: A woman's intelligence
Intelligence of women....................Beware!!!!!!!!!
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is
tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries
to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you
ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'
This catches the blonde's attention and, to keep him quiet, she
agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The blonde doesn't say a
word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 note, and hands it to
the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his
laptop and searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches
the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the
smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the
blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and
asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?'
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back
to sleep
Intelligence of women....................Beware!!!!!!!!!
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is
tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries
to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you
ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'
This catches the blonde's attention and, to keep him quiet, she
agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The blonde doesn't say a
word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 note, and hands it to
the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his
laptop and searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches
the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the
smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the
blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and
asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?'
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back
to sleep
-
stattointhailand
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 19114
- Joined: October 25, 2007, 11:34 pm
- Location: Oiling the locks on my gun case
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
v
v
v
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
v
v
v
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."
The VOODOO PENIS
A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what'?
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began t o form down the middle. Then the man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven 't had anythin g to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me...'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my ass...!'
The rest, as they say, is history....
A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what'?
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began t o form down the middle. Then the man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven 't had anythin g to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me...'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my ass...!'
The rest, as they say, is history....
http://www.mediafire.com/?l3zrvlhnd0s Scottish football
The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its
Style section called the
'Style Invitational.'
The requirements this week were to use the two
words, 'Lewinsky' (the Intern)
and 'Kaczynski,' (the Unabomber) in the same
limerick.
Now, remember, the following winning entries were
actually printed verbatim
in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.
Style section called the
'Style Invitational.'
The requirements this week were to use the two
words, 'Lewinsky' (the Intern)
and 'Kaczynski,' (the Unabomber) in the same
limerick.
Now, remember, the following winning entries were
actually printed verbatim
in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.
'My name is Puddles.'
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.
'My name is Puddles.'
In case you missed The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked t hrough a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
oyster, n a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The winners are:
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked t hrough a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
oyster, n a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
-
Gozzo
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 279
- Joined: December 17, 2006, 5:04 pm
- Location: Port Hedland, Udon when I can
Questions you just can't answer...
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word lisp?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they slept like a baby, when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold will it be?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Do you ever stop and wonder . . . . . .
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum"?
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does an Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when your wife gets undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on...........
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me this website address in the first place????
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word lisp?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they slept like a baby, when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold will it be?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Do you ever stop and wonder . . . . . .
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum"?
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does an Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when your wife gets undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on...........
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me this website address in the first place????
Such is life.
Want to find out where your partner is now
Want to find out where your partner is now ?
how to track her where abouts ? 24 hours a day
Well, good ol' Google Earth just got better...
type in her cell phone number and
you'll get the location of that person!
Click on Link Below:
Give it a try it's incredible !!
http://www.track-your-partner.com/
how to track her where abouts ? 24 hours a day
Well, good ol' Google Earth just got better...
type in her cell phone number and
you'll get the location of that person!
Click on Link Below:
Give it a try it's incredible !!
http://www.track-your-partner.com/
Re: Want to find out where your partner is now
Well Donthani at least you know where she is now !!!!!donthani wrote:Want to find out where your partner is now ?
how to track her where abouts ? 24 hours a day
Well, good ol' Google Earth just got better...
type in her cell phone number and
you'll get the location of that person!
Click on Link Below:
Give it a try it's incredible !!
http://www.track-your-partner.com/
Re: Want to find out where your partner is now
lol thats been posted on here about 10 times LOL
still, the old one`s are the best ones lol
